It's Easter Sunday. A day of hope, new life, and God's promises. A day of celebrating the goodness of blessings and the miracle of miracles. And yet, here I am feeling very lonely, alone, and depressed. How, or better, why does this happen? What is it that brings me to such low depths?
For the past several days, I've been battling feelings of inadequacy and failure. They seem to encompass nearly every aspect of life: my children, my housekeeping and cooking skills, my ability to simply get even simple things done. Every task, no matter how minute, seems beyond my energy-level and capabilities. This morning, I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, "I can't do this alone."
I know everyone has their own challenges. And, not to exaggerate or diminish my own, they are what they are: Challenges. I'm facing the very real possibility my husband will be using an attorney to proceed with the divorce he initiated, which could make things lengthy, costly, and ugly. I have yet another follow-up doctor appointment next week to monitor the possibility of cancer. For the past several weeks, being part of our small school board, I have been preoccupied with the important task and responsibility of reviewing, interviewing, and selecting the most worthy applicant for Superintendent/Principal to serve our children and community. I joined some on-line dating thing out of curiosity to see who (or what!) is out there, and not only do I find few men of any interest, it seems clear who is out there feels the same about me - little to no interest. My children test me unceasingly with their demands, and battle my decisions constantly. Everywhere I look, I realize with certain despondency my inability to rise above these circumstances and thrive.
I guess, bottom-line, I feel any "fight" in me is fading - fast. I simply do not have the energy or interest to wage war. Yes, I know - that is pretty much what got me into this predicament - battling my husband in an effort to challenge him to grow (up). Clearly, that tactic was short-sighted and unquestionably unsuccessful. Simply, it was wrong. Even now, I catch myself employing the same futile tactic with my children. Do you realize how exhausting constant battle is? Maybe this is God's will for my life; to wear me out so I can let Him reign. I feel so ill-prepared to honorably manage the responsibilities entrusted to me. I think I should be able... but I am not.
