Does God use you? Do you like how He uses you? Do you wish He would use you in a different way? A way you are more comfortable with... a way that is easier, more in tune with what you believe to be your strengths? God is known for placing us in situations outside our comfort zone and for good reason; He wants to stretch us, grow us, mature us into the persons He created us to be. If we only served where we want to, we would likely become stagnant and unchallenged; truly deep growth does not occur when life is calm but rather during the storms, trials, and tribulations. In James, Chapter 1:2-4, we are told:
2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
It isn't easy, that joyful consideration in times of trial, but a heart directed toward the will of God is a heart prepared and most importantly, willing to persevere.
Yesterday, a dear friend of mine lost her father in a tragic accident. Her family has already suffered loss of another family member very recently, so their hearts are already tender and vulnerable. Gratefully, they are a family of faith. I praise God for their relationship with Him, especially at this trying time.
Upon hearing the news via another friend, I so wanted to help in some way. I am often uncertain how to proceed in such situations and my timing has more than once been off and awkward; I want to express my sympathy but also know suffocation can occur if too many flock to the hurting individual(s) too early. So, I opted for the conservative/passive course of action: I refrained from immediate contact.
Later in the evening, I discovered plans had been made for two other friends to assist her in a way I'd hoped to be a part of. I regretted then not having made sooner connection. Someone else made a decision for me, which has always rubbed me the wrong way. I was, however, able to spend some time on the phone with my friend, offering her all I could at the moment: My ear for listening and heart to hear. It seemed like so little.
It took until this morning to realize the real source of my discontent: I had wanted to serve my friend in a capacity familiar and comfortable to me, by an act of practical service. That's me - practical. I was disappointed God was using someone else where I wanted to be used. Don't I know by now God knows what - and why - He is doing what He is doing? How quickly we forget He is the Almighty and Sovereign God! So, despite the feeling of defeat at my inability to serve where I had hopes of doing so, I will trust He has placed the right persons in the right places for this task, and I will wait my turn, for I know I am not useless if I am willing. I know another chance will come. I only pray I will see it and be obedient to it when the opportunity arrives.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Ten Million with a Gentleman
The rapid pulse of expectation and anticipation made their moment of reconnection sweet and tender, every bit as fulfilling as they'd each hoped for. They embraced warmly, enjoying the closeness of one another. Their bodies parted only for their lips to meet, gently. Ahh, it was good to see him, it was good to see her.
They only had 24 hours to spend together. They walked along the historic streets, holding hands. Often they would pause in their steps, turning to once again enfold the other in their arms, to once again share another series of soft, delicate kisses.
They lunched together, visiting, sharing, laughing, taking in the countenance of the one across the table. Their fondness for the other continued to grow. At times they were silent, as words were not always necessary. Their companionship was delightfully sufficient.
They arrived at the hotel, going through the routine of checking in. They accepted the keys and ascended the tall staircase. They made their way down the hallway, to the last door on the right - Room 10. She slipped the key in the lock and the door swung quietly open. After perusing the furnishings, they retraced their steps to the neighboring door. He repeated the procedure for Room 9 - his room. After retrieving their belongings from their respective vehicles, they placed them in their respective rooms. They shared time in each other's presence, holding hands, sharing stories, and yes, more gentle kisses.
They adjourned to his room where he spoiled her with thoughtful gifts, just as he had done before. And again, the items were carefully and tastefully chosen. After receiving her treasures, they parted company to prepare for their evening adventure - a performance at the local theatre, a show vivacious and clever.
After returning to their house of accommodations, not to be outdone by the talented artists, she unveiled her own masterpiece: A lusciously decadent flourless chocolate cake, the sides of which were deliciously encrusted with flavorful pistachio pieces. From her bag of goodies, she removed a server, dessert plates and forks and set about serving the rich cake, which they thoroughly savored.
The remainder of the evening was spent quietly, sharing tender closeness and still more soft kisses, yet never breaching the boundaries of honorable behavior. At an hour not too early nor too late, they said their farewells for the evening.
The next morning they reunited to share a morning service, worshiping together, side by side. They knew their time for departure was drawing near and neither anticipated that moment with pleasure. After seeking refuge from the cold in a warm coffee shop, followed by a prolonged good-bye, she stepped into her car as he watched from outside. She drove slowly away and was no more than five minutes gone, than he messaged her: He missed her already.
She both wondered and marveled at her great fortune; this gentleman who sought her fellowship. This new relationship seemed somehow different, mature, more respectful, with no hint of impropriety or hidden motive. It was not hurried or rushed but comfortable and safe. She enjoyed his touch, his smile, his searching eyes, his intelligence and wit, and certainly, his gentle kisses - perhaps one day to reach at least ten millon with this gentle man.
They only had 24 hours to spend together. They walked along the historic streets, holding hands. Often they would pause in their steps, turning to once again enfold the other in their arms, to once again share another series of soft, delicate kisses.
They lunched together, visiting, sharing, laughing, taking in the countenance of the one across the table. Their fondness for the other continued to grow. At times they were silent, as words were not always necessary. Their companionship was delightfully sufficient.
They arrived at the hotel, going through the routine of checking in. They accepted the keys and ascended the tall staircase. They made their way down the hallway, to the last door on the right - Room 10. She slipped the key in the lock and the door swung quietly open. After perusing the furnishings, they retraced their steps to the neighboring door. He repeated the procedure for Room 9 - his room. After retrieving their belongings from their respective vehicles, they placed them in their respective rooms. They shared time in each other's presence, holding hands, sharing stories, and yes, more gentle kisses.
They adjourned to his room where he spoiled her with thoughtful gifts, just as he had done before. And again, the items were carefully and tastefully chosen. After receiving her treasures, they parted company to prepare for their evening adventure - a performance at the local theatre, a show vivacious and clever.
After returning to their house of accommodations, not to be outdone by the talented artists, she unveiled her own masterpiece: A lusciously decadent flourless chocolate cake, the sides of which were deliciously encrusted with flavorful pistachio pieces. From her bag of goodies, she removed a server, dessert plates and forks and set about serving the rich cake, which they thoroughly savored.
The remainder of the evening was spent quietly, sharing tender closeness and still more soft kisses, yet never breaching the boundaries of honorable behavior. At an hour not too early nor too late, they said their farewells for the evening.
The next morning they reunited to share a morning service, worshiping together, side by side. They knew their time for departure was drawing near and neither anticipated that moment with pleasure. After seeking refuge from the cold in a warm coffee shop, followed by a prolonged good-bye, she stepped into her car as he watched from outside. She drove slowly away and was no more than five minutes gone, than he messaged her: He missed her already.
She both wondered and marveled at her great fortune; this gentleman who sought her fellowship. This new relationship seemed somehow different, mature, more respectful, with no hint of impropriety or hidden motive. It was not hurried or rushed but comfortable and safe. She enjoyed his touch, his smile, his searching eyes, his intelligence and wit, and certainly, his gentle kisses - perhaps one day to reach at least ten millon with this gentle man.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sign of the Season
The calendar may not agree, but as far as I'm concerned, Winter has arrived.
If you've read my blog posts, you may have learned about my not-so-elegant hands. They're often on the rough side, occasionally marked with scratches, scuffs, and scars. I don't tend to my cuticles or paint my nails, unless it's to slap on a quick coat of clear polish on my way out the door. I've actually been known to apply it while sitting in the driver's seat, with the car running - parked, of course. That's the extent of my idea of "prettying up" my nails and hands.
In Big Creek, as with most of the country I suppose, temperatures are dipping, winds are whipping, and moisture dampens the air. It seems only logical to me the moisture of the wet seasons should bring greater moisture to individuals, as well as the earth. I'm not sure I'm aptly conveying my perplexity here. In my limited mental capacity, I see it this way: Summer = heat, heat = dry, dry = chapped. And yet, how is it that Winter = rain, rain = moisture, moisture = chapped? Rain is, after all, wet, right? I'm sure there is some perfectly logical explanation for this but I do not know it. Frankly, I'm not convinced I need to know. What I do know is the consequence of winter weather conditions: Split skin.
If you've read my blog posts, you may have learned about my not-so-elegant hands. They're often on the rough side, occasionally marked with scratches, scuffs, and scars. I don't tend to my cuticles or paint my nails, unless it's to slap on a quick coat of clear polish on my way out the door. I've actually been known to apply it while sitting in the driver's seat, with the car running - parked, of course. That's the extent of my idea of "prettying up" my nails and hands.
In Big Creek, as with most of the country I suppose, temperatures are dipping, winds are whipping, and moisture dampens the air. It seems only logical to me the moisture of the wet seasons should bring greater moisture to individuals, as well as the earth. I'm not sure I'm aptly conveying my perplexity here. In my limited mental capacity, I see it this way: Summer = heat, heat = dry, dry = chapped. And yet, how is it that Winter = rain, rain = moisture, moisture = chapped? Rain is, after all, wet, right? I'm sure there is some perfectly logical explanation for this but I do not know it. Frankly, I'm not convinced I need to know. What I do know is the consequence of winter weather conditions: Split skin.
The picture above is typical of what I suffer during the cold season. It's nearly always on my thumb (probably the most frequently used digit) and on my right hand; yes, I'm right-handed. As I've already noted, I often have scratches and scrapes; these heal relatively quickly, or at least do not greatly hinder my ability to complete everyday, simple tasks. Cracked skin on the tip of my thumb, however, does not heal quickly, despite treating liberally with lotion during daytime hours or with Neosporin ointment and a bandage each night. These darn splits can afflict me virtually unceasingly for the entire winter season. Invariably, it seems one is no sooner healed than it will split yet again or a new split will occur adjacent to the previous one. And I have yet to figure out a preventative or corrective measure. If you have any tips, please feel free to advise.
Monday, November 7, 2011
First Kiss
He'd traveled time and distance to meet her. He first saw her sitting on the bench outside the restaurant where they'd planned to meet. Later he would tell her, he knew their meeting was going to be good. That was confirmed at first embrace: Gentle, slightly tense, but a feeling like coming home. All the anxiety of this initial face-to-face meeting yielded slowly and was replaced with a comfort neither had felt in some time.
They took each other in, exploring one another's features. Lovely, he commented; you look good, she told him.
This is how their first day together would go: A gentle inquiry into each other's place of thought. Navigating comfortably around each other's physical being. Holding hands, replete with soft caresses.
Early in their time together they found their way to a nearby park, where he lavished her with thoughtful birthday gifts, each one significantly marking the fact he'd been attentive as she had revealed likes, preferences, and things that brought her delight. His presents were both considerate and practical; characteristics that mattered to her. In her characteristically demonstrative manner, she requested permission for a small kiss to express her thanks and appreciation; he willingly obliged and there it was - their first kiss.
It would not be their last, for during the remainder of their time together they would seek opportunities to once again come close in a tender embrace, holding one another cautiously yet firmly. This was fresh for both of them and they neither wanted to mar the occasion nor move beyond the propriety of their early relationship.
He was quiet. Far more more quiet than his "talkative" letters had been. In days past, she may have been uncomfortable in that sparseness of speech, but not with him; his company provided a tranquility that settled her spirit. Just to be, in each other's presence, was a sweet gift.
Their time together was brief yet full. They loathed saying 'good-bye' despite knowing it was inevitable. They could each imagine their next meeting: More familiarity, more comfort, more connection... oh, let those days move swiftly by! Not five minutes lapsed from their moment of departure before he let her know his thoughts: He was already missing her. Her response, with a heavy sigh: And I, you.
They took each other in, exploring one another's features. Lovely, he commented; you look good, she told him.
This is how their first day together would go: A gentle inquiry into each other's place of thought. Navigating comfortably around each other's physical being. Holding hands, replete with soft caresses.
Early in their time together they found their way to a nearby park, where he lavished her with thoughtful birthday gifts, each one significantly marking the fact he'd been attentive as she had revealed likes, preferences, and things that brought her delight. His presents were both considerate and practical; characteristics that mattered to her. In her characteristically demonstrative manner, she requested permission for a small kiss to express her thanks and appreciation; he willingly obliged and there it was - their first kiss.
It would not be their last, for during the remainder of their time together they would seek opportunities to once again come close in a tender embrace, holding one another cautiously yet firmly. This was fresh for both of them and they neither wanted to mar the occasion nor move beyond the propriety of their early relationship.
He was quiet. Far more more quiet than his "talkative" letters had been. In days past, she may have been uncomfortable in that sparseness of speech, but not with him; his company provided a tranquility that settled her spirit. Just to be, in each other's presence, was a sweet gift.
Their time together was brief yet full. They loathed saying 'good-bye' despite knowing it was inevitable. They could each imagine their next meeting: More familiarity, more comfort, more connection... oh, let those days move swiftly by! Not five minutes lapsed from their moment of departure before he let her know his thoughts: He was already missing her. Her response, with a heavy sigh: And I, you.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Set Apart
It's October 31st. Halloween. A time when parents willingly and happily encourage their children to dress up in fantastical, often 'nightmarish' garb to solicit neighbors for candy with the chant of "Trick or Treat." Pumpkins are carved in ghoulish designs. Schools and even churches promote and offer opportunities for young children to participate... all in the name of innocent fun. But is it so innocent?
I am one of few, I believe, who regard Halloween as an ongoing pagan event. Its roots are steeped in satanic worship. Its historical rituals are nothing less than evil, directly related to and in honor of satan. Some may debate this; some choose to ignore it. Some will scoff at any suggestion of demonic relationship. I, however, am convinced this is a harsh reality and I choose not to casually dismiss the implications of being involved in what I call 'the devil's holiday.' And here is why:
When I began my relationship with Christ some 17 years ago, part of my induction to learning was through listening to Christian radio. It was on one of these stations, KLOVE, I heard about and subsequently ordered a video entitled Halloween: Trick or Treat. It explains the roots and significance behind many of the current-day events, events the general public treats lightly and innocently - and ignorantly. Upon watching this video, however, they were no longer innocent to me. And I was no longer ignorant. I was immediately and soundly convicted about the 'celebration' of Halloween; I simply cannot and will not engage in it.
At the time I viewed the video, my sister was a mother of 3 young children. Being a believer in Christ, she had also taken a stand in opposition to Halloween; her children were disallowed from participating. Now I am a mother of two young children and who are of early school-age, which means they are exposed to opinions, practices, and celebrations that may be contrary to the manner in which they've been raised to date. My daughter is still young enough to not be too bothered by the whole issue, but my son was quite distraught when school friends were at the door tonight seeking candy. He sobbed to join them and I had to attempt to explain to my 5 year old why I was denying him.
In my best effort, I tried to simply state that God's word says witchcraft is a sin; it hurts people, and that hurts God. God placed this conviction on my heart and unless and until He releases that conviction, our family will not do Halloween. I understood his keen disappointment at being left out of the "fun," but held firm to my conviction, held him in my arms, comforted him and prayed for peace and understanding in his heart. Later this evening, he could heard children out on the street. His quiet comment: "I hope they aren't being a witch." Thank you, Jesus.
A friend asked me tonight why I don't do Halloween and I explained my conviction. She responded that her family reasoned that most holidays have pagan roots, as if to say, if people stopped celebrating a holiday based on its original, historical intentions there would be no holidays to celebrate. In my heart, I know that is not right, at least it is not right for me. This is a conviction the Lord placed on me with regard to this specific holiday; He gave me the opportunity to learn something important to Him and I will not ignore it. If there are other holidays I should reconsider the manner in which I recognize or participate in them, I pray He would bring those to the forefront of my knowing.
As believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, we are called to be set apart. Romans 12:2 admonishes us in this way: And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. We are in the world but not of the world; we are to be set apart, even if it means we have to separate ourselves. Remember, with God, we are never separated from Him who loves us and calls us His own.
If anyone is curious and desirous to know more about the history of Halloween, the film is distributed by and available through Jeremiah Films (http://www.jeremiahfilms.com/store/).
I am one of few, I believe, who regard Halloween as an ongoing pagan event. Its roots are steeped in satanic worship. Its historical rituals are nothing less than evil, directly related to and in honor of satan. Some may debate this; some choose to ignore it. Some will scoff at any suggestion of demonic relationship. I, however, am convinced this is a harsh reality and I choose not to casually dismiss the implications of being involved in what I call 'the devil's holiday.' And here is why:
When I began my relationship with Christ some 17 years ago, part of my induction to learning was through listening to Christian radio. It was on one of these stations, KLOVE, I heard about and subsequently ordered a video entitled Halloween: Trick or Treat. It explains the roots and significance behind many of the current-day events, events the general public treats lightly and innocently - and ignorantly. Upon watching this video, however, they were no longer innocent to me. And I was no longer ignorant. I was immediately and soundly convicted about the 'celebration' of Halloween; I simply cannot and will not engage in it.
At the time I viewed the video, my sister was a mother of 3 young children. Being a believer in Christ, she had also taken a stand in opposition to Halloween; her children were disallowed from participating. Now I am a mother of two young children and who are of early school-age, which means they are exposed to opinions, practices, and celebrations that may be contrary to the manner in which they've been raised to date. My daughter is still young enough to not be too bothered by the whole issue, but my son was quite distraught when school friends were at the door tonight seeking candy. He sobbed to join them and I had to attempt to explain to my 5 year old why I was denying him.
In my best effort, I tried to simply state that God's word says witchcraft is a sin; it hurts people, and that hurts God. God placed this conviction on my heart and unless and until He releases that conviction, our family will not do Halloween. I understood his keen disappointment at being left out of the "fun," but held firm to my conviction, held him in my arms, comforted him and prayed for peace and understanding in his heart. Later this evening, he could heard children out on the street. His quiet comment: "I hope they aren't being a witch." Thank you, Jesus.
A friend asked me tonight why I don't do Halloween and I explained my conviction. She responded that her family reasoned that most holidays have pagan roots, as if to say, if people stopped celebrating a holiday based on its original, historical intentions there would be no holidays to celebrate. In my heart, I know that is not right, at least it is not right for me. This is a conviction the Lord placed on me with regard to this specific holiday; He gave me the opportunity to learn something important to Him and I will not ignore it. If there are other holidays I should reconsider the manner in which I recognize or participate in them, I pray He would bring those to the forefront of my knowing.
As believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, we are called to be set apart. Romans 12:2 admonishes us in this way: And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. We are in the world but not of the world; we are to be set apart, even if it means we have to separate ourselves. Remember, with God, we are never separated from Him who loves us and calls us His own.
If anyone is curious and desirous to know more about the history of Halloween, the film is distributed by and available through Jeremiah Films (http://www.jeremiahfilms.com/store/).
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Again...
...I find myself in need. Of a friend... of someone to hold... and care... and with a willingness to share. I need my Savior, o, my God... to show me how deeply You care and love this lamb...
this little sheep who longs to hear Your voice... O, my God, my Shepherd, let me hear Your voice... let me know the One who calls to me... leave me not alone, to wonder my destiny... but be the King... of this sinner... reconciled to the One who saves...
(written to "Jesus Hail the Lamb" by Margaret Becker
this little sheep who longs to hear Your voice... O, my God, my Shepherd, let me hear Your voice... let me know the One who calls to me... leave me not alone, to wonder my destiny... but be the King... of this sinner... reconciled to the One who saves...
(written to "Jesus Hail the Lamb" by Margaret Becker
Monday, September 5, 2011
Survival of...
...the first two weeks of kindergarten.
...the first camping trip in the "new" pop-up.
...the first on-line relationship.
Bet you thought I was gonna say "survival of the fittest," right? Nope! There's nothing all that 'fit' about me! Emotionally: I struggle with depression and inadequacy. Physically: There is a big difference between being "in shape" and being "in condition." Sure, I have a shape but I am waaaaay outta condition. Mentally: I have an almost 5 year old son and 3 1/2 year old daughter; need I say more?! Spiritually: Not where my focus has been lately.
The last two weeks comprised the first two weeks of kindergarten for Ben. Wow, what an adjustment. I figured there would be a testy transition; I was right! Anticipating this tough time, I really did try so hard to be understanding and flexible. Just coming off of summer vacation, where schedules get lax and limits are stretched, Ben has been challenged with long days of new activities, lessons, and learning. He has stubbornly dug his heels in in resistance to naps - which he still very much needs! Grumpy is as grumpy does.
We had one good morning and afternoon in the same day. He's been mad at me for not letting him walk to school by himself (he's only 4 1/2!!), mad at me for not letting him ride the bus home (the walk home takes less than 4 minutes), and mad at me because I wouldn't allow a certain little girl to come home with him (never mind he didn't get my permission first, or that I hadn't talked to her mom).
Oh, and by the way, tonight he tells me he's already tired of school. Really? Great.
This past weekend saw the maiden voyage of our "new" old pop-up. In preparation, I'd practiced both setting up and collapsing in the comfort of my driveway, and could do either one in less than 30 minutes. Sweet. I'd practiced hooking up the trailer to the car, as well as driving, backing up, and parking it back in our fairly-narrow driveway. No big deal. I was able to get everything packed into the car - food, clothes, accessories, Charley, and me. Done.
Destination: Hume Lake Campground. We set off on our journey at an acceptable-to-me time beyond my original target time. Traveling was smooth and without any glitches. We arrived at the campground in good time and quickly found our site. First problem: There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to back in from the 'one way' direction I'd come in. After sitting there for a few minutes wondering if I should give it a go anyway, the neighboring camper thankfully suggested I exit the loop and come back in the wrong way, which I successfully did.
I was able to get it backed in fine, but quickly realized there was absolutely NOTHING level about the site! And I had not brought any wood blocks or anything else for this sort of (common) situation. The same helpful camper and her sort-of son-in-law (don't ask - it's not important) were so kind and gracious to supply me with spare wood blocks, a leveling jack, a level, wheel chocks (the level and chocks I actually had but were completely inaccessible inside my car - oops), and several large rocks to keep my trailer in place. Once this was all done, I knew I was on my way to having the trailer up and ready. Or so I thought.
I grabbed the crank from the car and set off to the back of the trailer to begin raising the "road cover" (top of the trailer). This was the part I felt confident about. After all, I'd practiced setting it up and had worked out any trouble spots. Only one problem. One very big problem. The gizmo at the end of the crank that actually fits over the shaft to do the cranking WAS GONE. Gone, and nowhere to be found. Plan B.
Necessity truly is the mother of invention. As I pondered my predicament, I seriously considered throwing in the towel, hooking back up and driving right back home. I just couldn't give up without trying something, though. I got my hammer and, using the claw end, hooked it onto the small pin in the crankshaft. I could get it about 1/3 of the way around before I would have to remove the hammer and reposition it.... as the shaft spun back to where it started. Dang! Definitely one of those "two steps forward, three steps back"! After several attempts, I was able to raise the roof - about 1 1/2 inches. Woo hoo - only 3 1/2 feet to go.
Persistance and stubborn determination set in and I kept at it. I ended up bending the pin, which then repeatedly fell out of the hole and got lost in the dirt. I broke the head off my hammer. I found a nail in the dirt and tried using that in place of the bent pin. The nail bent and twisted so much I couldn't get it out of the hole. I finally figured out if I removed the spare tire, I had more room to crank the now-broken hammer head clutching the completely disfigured nail. Oh, and through all this, with every tiny crank of progress, my forearms would come down on the trailer bumper, leaving some really lovely bruises ranging from wrist to near-elbow. So pretty.
I was dirty. I was hungry. I was tired. I was sweaty. And I kept repeating quite matter-of-factly, "I'm really not having any fun at all." But you know what? I got that darned road cover raised to full height and before I knew it, Charley and I had a place to stay for the next three nights. Everyone needs a camping story and now I have mine!
And lastly, the survival of the end of the on-line relationship. Why does reason and logic disappear when someone new and inviting comes on the scene? I mean, really, am I so frail of mind and conviction that I can be so easily swayed to compromise my beliefs and boundaries? Apparently, yes.
It hit hard and heavy. I fell for this guy - he was educated, we had great and intelligent conversations, he was attractive, exciting, attentive, encouraging, understanding. Yes, okay, he was also a little critical... but it was constructive. He was very analytical (about me and my parenting)... but it was helpful. He was insightful... although he barely knew me (or my children). He was "spiritual"... but he didn't believe in God. I know, I know. Huge red flag. I hang my head as I say, "but I really thought two intelligent, thoughtful people could find a way to make it work." What that really means is I was hoping and praying he would become a believer. All that would do would be to remove my concerns, not his, because my concern about being unequally yoked was apparently of no concern to him.
Within a very short time, we were practically co-dependent upon each other. Neither of us could bear to be apart and we were in frequent contact, whether text, phone, or email.
Or in person, if at all possible. Then, less than two months into it (again, I know, I know - it was very quick), I started sensing a distance that only continued to grow. Upon my prodding, he shared some "concerns" he had about "us" and directly, about me. Not to drag this out, he finally told me "somewhere along the line the hope started fading for me, until it became too little to support or to stay with any longer." Gee, had me fooled.
It is truly interesting what time and distance can do for a person's perspective. At first, I was pretty upset. I really, really liked this guy. Maybe I just thought I really, really liked him. But the entire time I was with him, I gave up spending any time with the One who really, really does like me - my Lord and Savior.
I guess what this experience did was show me I can have feelings for someone again. It also showed me the complications of a relationship are not always worth the effort, especially when it is a relationship that is selfish or self-serving - on the part of either party. I selfishly languished in the attention he gave, the support and advice he offered regarding parenting concerns, and the affection he so generously gave. In hindsight, as always, the signs were there; signs of incompatibility as well as his progressive withdrawal. And once again, I became the 'dumpee' rather than the 'dumper.' But, once again, I survived.
...the first camping trip in the "new" pop-up.
...the first on-line relationship.
Bet you thought I was gonna say "survival of the fittest," right? Nope! There's nothing all that 'fit' about me! Emotionally: I struggle with depression and inadequacy. Physically: There is a big difference between being "in shape" and being "in condition." Sure, I have a shape but I am waaaaay outta condition. Mentally: I have an almost 5 year old son and 3 1/2 year old daughter; need I say more?! Spiritually: Not where my focus has been lately.
The last two weeks comprised the first two weeks of kindergarten for Ben. Wow, what an adjustment. I figured there would be a testy transition; I was right! Anticipating this tough time, I really did try so hard to be understanding and flexible. Just coming off of summer vacation, where schedules get lax and limits are stretched, Ben has been challenged with long days of new activities, lessons, and learning. He has stubbornly dug his heels in in resistance to naps - which he still very much needs! Grumpy is as grumpy does.
We had one good morning and afternoon in the same day. He's been mad at me for not letting him walk to school by himself (he's only 4 1/2!!), mad at me for not letting him ride the bus home (the walk home takes less than 4 minutes), and mad at me because I wouldn't allow a certain little girl to come home with him (never mind he didn't get my permission first, or that I hadn't talked to her mom).
Oh, and by the way, tonight he tells me he's already tired of school. Really? Great.
This past weekend saw the maiden voyage of our "new" old pop-up. In preparation, I'd practiced both setting up and collapsing in the comfort of my driveway, and could do either one in less than 30 minutes. Sweet. I'd practiced hooking up the trailer to the car, as well as driving, backing up, and parking it back in our fairly-narrow driveway. No big deal. I was able to get everything packed into the car - food, clothes, accessories, Charley, and me. Done.
Destination: Hume Lake Campground. We set off on our journey at an acceptable-to-me time beyond my original target time. Traveling was smooth and without any glitches. We arrived at the campground in good time and quickly found our site. First problem: There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to back in from the 'one way' direction I'd come in. After sitting there for a few minutes wondering if I should give it a go anyway, the neighboring camper thankfully suggested I exit the loop and come back in the wrong way, which I successfully did.
I was able to get it backed in fine, but quickly realized there was absolutely NOTHING level about the site! And I had not brought any wood blocks or anything else for this sort of (common) situation. The same helpful camper and her sort-of son-in-law (don't ask - it's not important) were so kind and gracious to supply me with spare wood blocks, a leveling jack, a level, wheel chocks (the level and chocks I actually had but were completely inaccessible inside my car - oops), and several large rocks to keep my trailer in place. Once this was all done, I knew I was on my way to having the trailer up and ready. Or so I thought.
I grabbed the crank from the car and set off to the back of the trailer to begin raising the "road cover" (top of the trailer). This was the part I felt confident about. After all, I'd practiced setting it up and had worked out any trouble spots. Only one problem. One very big problem. The gizmo at the end of the crank that actually fits over the shaft to do the cranking WAS GONE. Gone, and nowhere to be found. Plan B.
Necessity truly is the mother of invention. As I pondered my predicament, I seriously considered throwing in the towel, hooking back up and driving right back home. I just couldn't give up without trying something, though. I got my hammer and, using the claw end, hooked it onto the small pin in the crankshaft. I could get it about 1/3 of the way around before I would have to remove the hammer and reposition it.... as the shaft spun back to where it started. Dang! Definitely one of those "two steps forward, three steps back"! After several attempts, I was able to raise the roof - about 1 1/2 inches. Woo hoo - only 3 1/2 feet to go.
Persistance and stubborn determination set in and I kept at it. I ended up bending the pin, which then repeatedly fell out of the hole and got lost in the dirt. I broke the head off my hammer. I found a nail in the dirt and tried using that in place of the bent pin. The nail bent and twisted so much I couldn't get it out of the hole. I finally figured out if I removed the spare tire, I had more room to crank the now-broken hammer head clutching the completely disfigured nail. Oh, and through all this, with every tiny crank of progress, my forearms would come down on the trailer bumper, leaving some really lovely bruises ranging from wrist to near-elbow. So pretty.
I was dirty. I was hungry. I was tired. I was sweaty. And I kept repeating quite matter-of-factly, "I'm really not having any fun at all." But you know what? I got that darned road cover raised to full height and before I knew it, Charley and I had a place to stay for the next three nights. Everyone needs a camping story and now I have mine!
And lastly, the survival of the end of the on-line relationship. Why does reason and logic disappear when someone new and inviting comes on the scene? I mean, really, am I so frail of mind and conviction that I can be so easily swayed to compromise my beliefs and boundaries? Apparently, yes.
It hit hard and heavy. I fell for this guy - he was educated, we had great and intelligent conversations, he was attractive, exciting, attentive, encouraging, understanding. Yes, okay, he was also a little critical... but it was constructive. He was very analytical (about me and my parenting)... but it was helpful. He was insightful... although he barely knew me (or my children). He was "spiritual"... but he didn't believe in God. I know, I know. Huge red flag. I hang my head as I say, "but I really thought two intelligent, thoughtful people could find a way to make it work." What that really means is I was hoping and praying he would become a believer. All that would do would be to remove my concerns, not his, because my concern about being unequally yoked was apparently of no concern to him.
Within a very short time, we were practically co-dependent upon each other. Neither of us could bear to be apart and we were in frequent contact, whether text, phone, or email.
Or in person, if at all possible. Then, less than two months into it (again, I know, I know - it was very quick), I started sensing a distance that only continued to grow. Upon my prodding, he shared some "concerns" he had about "us" and directly, about me. Not to drag this out, he finally told me "somewhere along the line the hope started fading for me, until it became too little to support or to stay with any longer." Gee, had me fooled.
It is truly interesting what time and distance can do for a person's perspective. At first, I was pretty upset. I really, really liked this guy. Maybe I just thought I really, really liked him. But the entire time I was with him, I gave up spending any time with the One who really, really does like me - my Lord and Savior.
I guess what this experience did was show me I can have feelings for someone again. It also showed me the complications of a relationship are not always worth the effort, especially when it is a relationship that is selfish or self-serving - on the part of either party. I selfishly languished in the attention he gave, the support and advice he offered regarding parenting concerns, and the affection he so generously gave. In hindsight, as always, the signs were there; signs of incompatibility as well as his progressive withdrawal. And once again, I became the 'dumpee' rather than the 'dumper.' But, once again, I survived.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Damaged Goods
Have you ever been to a second-hand store? What do you look for? What do you find? Usually a bargain, right? An item someone else has cast aside; maybe there is a broken or missing part. Maybe they found some new gadget that could do the job better, or maybe they simply grew tired of the item. "There's still some life left in it," they think, "perhaps someone else can make use of it." So, they mark down the price and set the item on the shelf.
That's how I feel tonight: Damaged goods. I've certainly been cast aside - numerous times, even! Some of my parts - my heart, for one - have been broken (repeatedly, I might add). Like anyone, I can be replaced. And, yes, it might even be said, I've worn out my welcome in certain places.
I learned tonight that knowing myelf, being able to identify and to even have the courage to share my shortcomings has, well, bitten me in the butt. Oh, but for the truth in the saying "ignorance is bliss"!!! Damn, Sam! Is this simply a case of sharing TMI - too much information? Screw you, o, counselor! Being vulnerable sucks and hurts - it hurts like hell.
That's how I feel tonight: Damaged goods. I've certainly been cast aside - numerous times, even! Some of my parts - my heart, for one - have been broken (repeatedly, I might add). Like anyone, I can be replaced. And, yes, it might even be said, I've worn out my welcome in certain places.
I learned tonight that knowing myelf, being able to identify and to even have the courage to share my shortcomings has, well, bitten me in the butt. Oh, but for the truth in the saying "ignorance is bliss"!!! Damn, Sam! Is this simply a case of sharing TMI - too much information? Screw you, o, counselor! Being vulnerable sucks and hurts - it hurts like hell.
Monday, August 15, 2011
The Other Foot
It's interesting how God uses people and they aren't even aware of it. On the flip side, as in the story of Job who suffered and endured the tempestuous trials brought about by the enemy, with God's permission, people can also be used by the enemy.
Shamefully, I was. Used by the enemy, that is. Yes, I really believe that. I believe I was a tool in the destruction of my marriage, gradually yet effectively tearing down what had been established in God's name. I've posted previously about the demeaning and disrespectful ways I treated my husband. In hindsight - o! how clear it is - I can see how my words, well-intending though I told myself they were, served no greater purpose than to not-so-subtly convey my disappointment and dissatisfaction, as well as point fingers at his inadequacy, inefficiency, incompetency - as I perceived him. Certainly not how God viewed him. Rarely, however, did I take the time to see him through God's eyes.
You hear that people belittle others to make themselves feel bigger, more important or powerful. Perhaps that is true; perhaps that is what I did. In my own insecurities, I lashed out to feel greater than I actually believed I was. Am.
Moving ahead now to current day. It would appear the shoe is on the other foot. Where I was the instigator and aggravator, whether conciously or not provoking feelings of ineptness and inferiority, now I am experiencing those same doubts about myself my husband would, on rare occasion, confess I caused him to feel.
Oh, I can guess what you may be thinking... no one can make you feel any certain way. I used that same spiel earlier this evening with every bit of conviction. But it doesn't stop one from initially blaming the "instigator" for your feelings of inadequacy. I find myself thinking I do not measure up, that I am a disappointment, and that I am not doing enough - all things someone else thought about themself because of things I said.
Where does that leave me? For one, with greater understanding how words (mine) affect others (my husband). It is motivating me to talk more honestly, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, to the other person about how their words are affecting me, having some humility to dig deeper than the surface for underlying implications or meaning. For the truth is, clear, open, and honest communication was always, always lacking in my marriage. Now that it appears I have the opportunity to develop good communication with someone I care for, I'll willingly slip my foot into that other shoe and learn to walk a new path - one that hopefully and God willing, leads to greater joy, peace, and harmony.
Shamefully, I was. Used by the enemy, that is. Yes, I really believe that. I believe I was a tool in the destruction of my marriage, gradually yet effectively tearing down what had been established in God's name. I've posted previously about the demeaning and disrespectful ways I treated my husband. In hindsight - o! how clear it is - I can see how my words, well-intending though I told myself they were, served no greater purpose than to not-so-subtly convey my disappointment and dissatisfaction, as well as point fingers at his inadequacy, inefficiency, incompetency - as I perceived him. Certainly not how God viewed him. Rarely, however, did I take the time to see him through God's eyes.
You hear that people belittle others to make themselves feel bigger, more important or powerful. Perhaps that is true; perhaps that is what I did. In my own insecurities, I lashed out to feel greater than I actually believed I was. Am.
Moving ahead now to current day. It would appear the shoe is on the other foot. Where I was the instigator and aggravator, whether conciously or not provoking feelings of ineptness and inferiority, now I am experiencing those same doubts about myself my husband would, on rare occasion, confess I caused him to feel.
Oh, I can guess what you may be thinking... no one can make you feel any certain way. I used that same spiel earlier this evening with every bit of conviction. But it doesn't stop one from initially blaming the "instigator" for your feelings of inadequacy. I find myself thinking I do not measure up, that I am a disappointment, and that I am not doing enough - all things someone else thought about themself because of things I said.
Where does that leave me? For one, with greater understanding how words (mine) affect others (my husband). It is motivating me to talk more honestly, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, to the other person about how their words are affecting me, having some humility to dig deeper than the surface for underlying implications or meaning. For the truth is, clear, open, and honest communication was always, always lacking in my marriage. Now that it appears I have the opportunity to develop good communication with someone I care for, I'll willingly slip my foot into that other shoe and learn to walk a new path - one that hopefully and God willing, leads to greater joy, peace, and harmony.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Working Hands
I don't have pretty hands. I have working hands. I dig into the soil to weed -- with my fingers, not necessarily with a garden spade. I get blisters when I trim the lawn (no power trimmer for me!) and have scratches and scrapes because I forget to wear gloves, even when working around prickly roses. My fingernails are usually short, out of practicality. My rule of thumbnail is, pun intended, if there are 3 or more short nails, they all get shortened!
I use to have acrylic nails - long, fancy, and polished. I spent time and money to keep them looking nice, primarily for my profession - one that was constantly pointing out details in paperwork to all classes of folk. When I left that profession, however, there was no practical reason to maintain the fancy tips. I can't say I've missed them.
Even though they're rough, my hands know how to touch, caress, hold, soothe, and love. My hands may be working hands and they may not be pretty, but they're loving hands.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Cat...
... is out of the bag. I have a new guy in my life and I'm spilling beans about him. Some will love and support. Some will pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom. Some will not approve, but will judge and offer their "tsk, tsk," giving further weight to the hypocrisy nonbelievers see in many Christians - you know, those followers of Christ who Jesus tells that whomever is without sin should throw the first stone (John 8:7)? I've stood among those hypocrites, quietly chastising others for their lack of spiritual steadfastness, lack of obedience, lack of will power. Now, it would appear to the naked eye, I am one of those very individuals who is lacking the steadfastness, obedience, and will power.
It is not as though I deliberately set out to care for someone who does not know the one and only true God. Someone asked me if he's not a believer, on what level were you able to connect, as if it were impossible to even fathom? My internal response: On EVERY other level! This is what makes our one monumental difference so incredibly difficult to come to grips with. Yes, spiritual difference is no light matter, and yet I find myself painfully reluctant to dismiss this man who seeks to understand, validate, respect, and honor not only who I am, but what has made me the individual who stands before him.
Perhaps what adds to my reluctance in any sort of early dismissal is the knowledge of having been married to a "believer," a man who did not willingly or regularly attend church (after all, NASCAR, football, and hours-long naps are healthy alternatives, right?!), who could be as judgmental and intolerant as the best of them, who, by all appearance of lifestyle held ill-regard for how he fed his mind, body, and spirit, who seemed to hold little to no regard, value, or responsible stewardship for the care of material goods, who granted no mercy or forgiveness for his wife's wrongdoing, and repeatedly fell back on a claimed lack of experience when it came to dealing with basic life matters. (So learn something, already!)
And yes, I know as I point the finger, there are three pointing back at me. I am not guilt-free. I guess the point is this: No one is. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Do you notice the inclusion (ALL) and do you clearly see the present tense of the above? We "fall short" - 'fall' signifying continually. It doesn't say we fell and no longer do so, but the truth is, it is an ongoing falling short of the mark, which is the meaning of 'sin.'
Ah, but then I am reminded of my counselor counseling me to focus only on what I had responsibility for - me. So, here I am. Sinfully, according to some, keeping company with an unbeliever. I cannot control the thoughts, judgments, and convictions of others. I am not without thought, judgment, or conviction myself. It is my ongoing challenge right now. But as I strive, struggle, and desire to figure it out, I can only hope I will receive the benefit and blessing loving support can provide. My dear Christian friends, don't desert me now.
If someone knows that others are praying for their salvation, are they more or less inclined to embrace the gift? Will they dig their heels in in stubborn and independent resistance or will they be willing to listen... learn... love the love God Almighty has for them?
It is not as though I deliberately set out to care for someone who does not know the one and only true God. Someone asked me if he's not a believer, on what level were you able to connect, as if it were impossible to even fathom? My internal response: On EVERY other level! This is what makes our one monumental difference so incredibly difficult to come to grips with. Yes, spiritual difference is no light matter, and yet I find myself painfully reluctant to dismiss this man who seeks to understand, validate, respect, and honor not only who I am, but what has made me the individual who stands before him.
Perhaps what adds to my reluctance in any sort of early dismissal is the knowledge of having been married to a "believer," a man who did not willingly or regularly attend church (after all, NASCAR, football, and hours-long naps are healthy alternatives, right?!), who could be as judgmental and intolerant as the best of them, who, by all appearance of lifestyle held ill-regard for how he fed his mind, body, and spirit, who seemed to hold little to no regard, value, or responsible stewardship for the care of material goods, who granted no mercy or forgiveness for his wife's wrongdoing, and repeatedly fell back on a claimed lack of experience when it came to dealing with basic life matters. (So learn something, already!)
And yes, I know as I point the finger, there are three pointing back at me. I am not guilt-free. I guess the point is this: No one is. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Do you notice the inclusion (ALL) and do you clearly see the present tense of the above? We "fall short" - 'fall' signifying continually. It doesn't say we fell and no longer do so, but the truth is, it is an ongoing falling short of the mark, which is the meaning of 'sin.'
Ah, but then I am reminded of my counselor counseling me to focus only on what I had responsibility for - me. So, here I am. Sinfully, according to some, keeping company with an unbeliever. I cannot control the thoughts, judgments, and convictions of others. I am not without thought, judgment, or conviction myself. It is my ongoing challenge right now. But as I strive, struggle, and desire to figure it out, I can only hope I will receive the benefit and blessing loving support can provide. My dear Christian friends, don't desert me now.
If someone knows that others are praying for their salvation, are they more or less inclined to embrace the gift? Will they dig their heels in in stubborn and independent resistance or will they be willing to listen... learn... love the love God Almighty has for them?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
What To Do
It's been a looooong time since I've dabbled in any poetry so I'm not sure how this will pan out...
When the color of this day shines bright in my eyes
with promises of rainbows through the cloudy skies
I see a day ahead of me when all things are good and right
And I cannot help but wonder if it's just the dark of night
that darkens my day, or is it the enemy at work?
Trying to rob my joy and employ my insecurities to hurt
my heart that longs to love again
a man that does not know
the Maker of all things,
Who has given life to grow
in strength and in beauty, giving glory to Him
who is deserving of all praise until the very end.
What was the gain of giving myself to one who seemed alike
to have it all thrust aside like an empty can of soda on the side
of the road of life that twists and turns,
with no forgiveness in his heart
but rather just a bitterness that manifested in the dark
of the night that seeks to steal my joy
in the light that I have found
My God, what shall I do with these feelings that abound?
No man can fill the void or replace the One who made me
and yet there is a part of me that cannot help but see
the joy in being understood
of someone taking time
to want to get to know me, know me
like anyone would.
How can such a big difference seem like such a little thing
in mine eyes that seek to serve Thee
through the Hope of my ring
that rests 'round the finger, the one that says "I do"
because I do and yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Can this be a good thing, a good thing to be worked through You?
or must I say 'goodbye' to the one I have begun to love
the company of
the sound of
the touch of
the caring of
the smile of
the eyes of?
And yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.
When the color of this day shines bright in my eyes
with promises of rainbows through the cloudy skies
I see a day ahead of me when all things are good and right
And I cannot help but wonder if it's just the dark of night
that darkens my day, or is it the enemy at work?
Trying to rob my joy and employ my insecurities to hurt
my heart that longs to love again
a man that does not know
the Maker of all things,
Who has given life to grow
in strength and in beauty, giving glory to Him
who is deserving of all praise until the very end.
What was the gain of giving myself to one who seemed alike
to have it all thrust aside like an empty can of soda on the side
of the road of life that twists and turns,
with no forgiveness in his heart
but rather just a bitterness that manifested in the dark
of the night that seeks to steal my joy
in the light that I have found
My God, what shall I do with these feelings that abound?
No man can fill the void or replace the One who made me
and yet there is a part of me that cannot help but see
the joy in being understood
of someone taking time
to want to get to know me, know me
like anyone would.
How can such a big difference seem like such a little thing
in mine eyes that seek to serve Thee
through the Hope of my ring
that rests 'round the finger, the one that says "I do"
because I do and yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Can this be a good thing, a good thing to be worked through You?
or must I say 'goodbye' to the one I have begun to love
the company of
the sound of
the touch of
the caring of
the smile of
the eyes of?
And yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sweet & Sour Pickles
Thoughts can come to me at the oddest moments! I'm mopping my kitchen floor and instantly knew I had to pause and come to the computer. Again. And again.
I'm falling in like with someone who has very different beliefs than I do. Spiritual beliefs, that is. On seemingly every other level, we appear to be a very comfortable fit. And yet...there is this monumental chasm and I don't know how to bridge it. One very dear friend told me being unequally yoked should be an immediate deal-breaker. I know the truth of the words she so lovingly delivered to me... and yet, I also cannot deny the emotions growing inside me.
I did not plan on this. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much planning on this not happening. A relationship was something I thought might be better left to other people, people who have it more together and haven't already had two failed marriages.
There has only been one other man I've known who gave so much to understand and "get" me. My relationship with him had some wonderfully tender moments because of that but "we" were not meant to be. I am delighted for him that he is now married and I have no doubt he is giving his wife his undivided heart and attention. The one element of our relationship that I appreciated so much was his introspective and gently analytic nature that strove to grasp not only what I was saying, but my underlying emotions. My new friend gives me that, too. We can all be misunderstood by people who are close to and care for us, but when there is one who goes beyond that misunderstanding and can break down the tricky parts to get to the heart of the matter - who not only cares enough but has the skills to do so - that is so rare and precious. And difficult to let go of.
I listen to music and praise God through it, both the sweet lyrics and moving music. My new friend also loves music and singing... but will he be able to savor the words of worship to a God he does not believe in? I hear the sweet, sweet name of Jesus... and my heart hurts that he will not feel the depth of love I have for my Savior. Or feel the depth of love the Savior has for him.
So, you can see, I am in quite a pickle: The sweetness of discovering joy with another human being... and the sourness of a critical difference.
I'm falling in like with someone who has very different beliefs than I do. Spiritual beliefs, that is. On seemingly every other level, we appear to be a very comfortable fit. And yet...there is this monumental chasm and I don't know how to bridge it. One very dear friend told me being unequally yoked should be an immediate deal-breaker. I know the truth of the words she so lovingly delivered to me... and yet, I also cannot deny the emotions growing inside me.
I did not plan on this. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much planning on this not happening. A relationship was something I thought might be better left to other people, people who have it more together and haven't already had two failed marriages.
There has only been one other man I've known who gave so much to understand and "get" me. My relationship with him had some wonderfully tender moments because of that but "we" were not meant to be. I am delighted for him that he is now married and I have no doubt he is giving his wife his undivided heart and attention. The one element of our relationship that I appreciated so much was his introspective and gently analytic nature that strove to grasp not only what I was saying, but my underlying emotions. My new friend gives me that, too. We can all be misunderstood by people who are close to and care for us, but when there is one who goes beyond that misunderstanding and can break down the tricky parts to get to the heart of the matter - who not only cares enough but has the skills to do so - that is so rare and precious. And difficult to let go of.
I listen to music and praise God through it, both the sweet lyrics and moving music. My new friend also loves music and singing... but will he be able to savor the words of worship to a God he does not believe in? I hear the sweet, sweet name of Jesus... and my heart hurts that he will not feel the depth of love I have for my Savior. Or feel the depth of love the Savior has for him.
So, you can see, I am in quite a pickle: The sweetness of discovering joy with another human being... and the sourness of a critical difference.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Missing You
I had a little extra quiet time this morning sitting in my front room, before the kids got up. As is usually the case, my mind tends to flit from one topic to another, often covering a vast amount of territory. Of course, the more time I have, the farther my mind wanders to past conversations, situations, emotions... people. This morning, I found my thoughts settling on two people, my mom and RJ.
As my eyes traveled around my front room, full of materials for home decorating projects, I wondered what Mom would think of our home, our cozy living space. I think she would have felt very comfortable here. Although not always, most usually, she not only approved of my decorating choices, she enjoyed them as much as I did. She may not have understood my eclectic collection of "things," but I think she liked them... maybe simply because I liked them. She was good for my self-esteem; she encouraged me and supported me. I miss her and how she could build me up. I have been missing it for nearly 17 years.
Then there is RJ. Our friendship barely got going before it was over. These are the conversations I recall, the discovery of common interests, challenges, life stories and experiences. The attraction - physical as well as emotional, spiritual, mental. But if there is one thing I've had to learn is true is the only person - or mind - you can change is your own. Despite what I believe was a genuine and wonderful connection, if both individuals cannot for whatever reason be on the same page (or in the same town), then rather than grieve what is lost, I should count my blessings for the brief time we were in contact and try to stop counting the days since we parted... 17.
As my eyes traveled around my front room, full of materials for home decorating projects, I wondered what Mom would think of our home, our cozy living space. I think she would have felt very comfortable here. Although not always, most usually, she not only approved of my decorating choices, she enjoyed them as much as I did. She may not have understood my eclectic collection of "things," but I think she liked them... maybe simply because I liked them. She was good for my self-esteem; she encouraged me and supported me. I miss her and how she could build me up. I have been missing it for nearly 17 years.
Then there is RJ. Our friendship barely got going before it was over. These are the conversations I recall, the discovery of common interests, challenges, life stories and experiences. The attraction - physical as well as emotional, spiritual, mental. But if there is one thing I've had to learn is true is the only person - or mind - you can change is your own. Despite what I believe was a genuine and wonderful connection, if both individuals cannot for whatever reason be on the same page (or in the same town), then rather than grieve what is lost, I should count my blessings for the brief time we were in contact and try to stop counting the days since we parted... 17.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Always
Once again, God is showing His sufficiency. When a letdown occurs, the deep sadness isn't as deep and doesn't linger quite as long, the despondency is more brief, and the hope returns sooner. I took a short journey away from remembering He is the Lover of my soul; I have returned. Always, He is faithful. Always, with Him, there is hope.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
How Do You Say...
Okay, so here's the scoop: I met someone. I like him. I'd like to know him better. He's intelligent, we share some common interests, he intrigues me, he's dang good looking... and yet there is a distance between us - geographical is the most obvious. We are both relatively fresh out of our marriages and frankly, I don't know that either of us knows what we want or that we are ready for any sort of relationship. We respectively thought we were doing okay on our own; as in, without someone else. I didn't think I wanted someone else... then I met him.
I'm trying so very hard not to think about him so much; he has a full life with 3 active children and a business of his own (a combination of "creative communication & design" - how cool is that?), and there is a fair distance between our locations. I do not see how he has time for a semi-long distance friendship/relationship, or if he's even interested in one.
My son has just gotten up from his nap and joined me on the couch. I look over at him, regard how precious he is, and wonder why I cannot be content with what I have? Maybe it's because this man stirred something in me... a passion that I have not experienced in a long while. A level of connectivity I have not experienced in an even longer while.
This is ridiculous. Absurd. I find myself on the verge of tears, struggling to find the balance between hope and contentment. I wanted Jesus to be my love... maybe because I thought it would be easier than the risk of being vulnerable and ultimately shot down again and I am second-guessing His sufficiency. I barely know this man... and yet in the short time we've communicated, I find myself anticipating our next contact.
There is a chance he will read this... that makes me very nervous and anxious. How can I tell him I am interested without making him feel smothered? Pressured? Oh. Just tell him? I suck at that.
I'm trying so very hard not to think about him so much; he has a full life with 3 active children and a business of his own (a combination of "creative communication & design" - how cool is that?), and there is a fair distance between our locations. I do not see how he has time for a semi-long distance friendship/relationship, or if he's even interested in one.
My son has just gotten up from his nap and joined me on the couch. I look over at him, regard how precious he is, and wonder why I cannot be content with what I have? Maybe it's because this man stirred something in me... a passion that I have not experienced in a long while. A level of connectivity I have not experienced in an even longer while.
This is ridiculous. Absurd. I find myself on the verge of tears, struggling to find the balance between hope and contentment. I wanted Jesus to be my love... maybe because I thought it would be easier than the risk of being vulnerable and ultimately shot down again and I am second-guessing His sufficiency. I barely know this man... and yet in the short time we've communicated, I find myself anticipating our next contact.
There is a chance he will read this... that makes me very nervous and anxious. How can I tell him I am interested without making him feel smothered? Pressured? Oh. Just tell him? I suck at that.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Slow Learner
I should know by now - speculating only leads to trouble. I think it's the enemy's primary tactic for tripping me up. He takes one tidbit of information, blows it completely out of proportion and before I know it, I'm in a tailspin, convinced I'm not worthy, not up to snuff, oh-so-replaceable, second best - well, you probably get the picture.
It is dangerous to base decisions or even attitudes on one minute piece of data. And yet, I do. There have been a couple times (okay, more than just a couple) I have thought I was "safe" in a situation only to have it totally blow up in my face. Ouch. Yeah. So, I tend to follow the mantra 'prepare for the worst, hope for the best.' It doesn't always work. Sometimes all I seem to get is the worst and the best seems to pass me by.
Yeah, I know, sometimes I write rather cryptically. You probably have no clue where this is coming from or where it's going. Just remember, it's my blog, my outlet, my catharsis. Look at is as a game; maybe you can figure it out. Maybe you can figure me out! If you do, please feel free to clue me in!
It is dangerous to base decisions or even attitudes on one minute piece of data. And yet, I do. There have been a couple times (okay, more than just a couple) I have thought I was "safe" in a situation only to have it totally blow up in my face. Ouch. Yeah. So, I tend to follow the mantra 'prepare for the worst, hope for the best.' It doesn't always work. Sometimes all I seem to get is the worst and the best seems to pass me by.
Yeah, I know, sometimes I write rather cryptically. You probably have no clue where this is coming from or where it's going. Just remember, it's my blog, my outlet, my catharsis. Look at is as a game; maybe you can figure it out. Maybe you can figure me out! If you do, please feel free to clue me in!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Hope Revisited
In my relationship as a believer, if there is one thing I've learned (oh, how I hope there is more than one!), it is to not put God in a box. Placing limitations on ourselves is one thing but God? Don't even go there! How can you possibly put boundaries on the Almighty Creator? You cannot! Be ever-so-grateful, as am I - He is so much bigger than any circumstance or border we try to erect.
After my husband left me a little over a year ago, I pretty much declared then and there I was done with relationships, marriage, growing old with someone, blah, blah, blah. I don't brag on myself much; I know I'm pretty good at somethings but to me, being a wife isn't included in them. I knew, however, that was my decision, knowing full well God may have other plans. You know, that's one really cool thing about Him - He's GOT plans! Can I get an "Amen"?! I knew better than to place that restriction on what He could accomplish.
So, you may be speculating where I'm going with this. My thoughts may be completely premature (wouldn't be the first time) but there is a "someone" out there and if nothing ever comes of it, this has: God has renewed my hope. That's all. I have hope because I have God. Do you?
After my husband left me a little over a year ago, I pretty much declared then and there I was done with relationships, marriage, growing old with someone, blah, blah, blah. I don't brag on myself much; I know I'm pretty good at somethings but to me, being a wife isn't included in them. I knew, however, that was my decision, knowing full well God may have other plans. You know, that's one really cool thing about Him - He's GOT plans! Can I get an "Amen"?! I knew better than to place that restriction on what He could accomplish.
So, you may be speculating where I'm going with this. My thoughts may be completely premature (wouldn't be the first time) but there is a "someone" out there and if nothing ever comes of it, this has: God has renewed my hope. That's all. I have hope because I have God. Do you?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Hold On
When I see people I love struggle in areas common to my life experiences, I cannot help but ache for them. Pain and heartache is not something I want to share with those I care for. And so, today, I send out a prayer for hurting families... families torn apart by deception, misguidance, loss of focus, vows, and purpose. May God reign victorious and the enemy know nothing but defeat. Be it known in our hearts and minds, the ever-powerful word of God:
Let these promises of God be an encouragement and source of strength to you this day, my friend. The enemy seeks to destroy - do not give him a foothold. He wants nothing more than to create a chasm of separation not only from those close to us here on Earth, but even more so, to separate us from Him who can heal any hurt. Hold on tight to your Saving Grace, the one and only true God who wants you to know His power, strength, and forgiveness. Reach out for Him, for He is reaching for you.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12 NAS)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Short and Sweet
There is such sweet hope in the Lord. How do people travel their journeys without Him? I sit here listening to the tender lyrics of Brandon Heath, singing of "staying close to Him, you people with your broken hearts, holding tight, moving toward the Light" and I am so humbly grateful that He is my Father, my Savior, my Love. I could not do this thing called Life without Him. Look Him up, get to know Him - He is worth every effort. HE will not let you down. He is what makes every moment worthwhile.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Really? June Already?
Inspiration comes in many forms and from many directions. Today I am inspired by blue skies, hearing my children's laughter outside, and a peaceful contentment. Since Spring came stealthily disguised as Winter, the blue skies are a welcome sight. The fact Ben & Elizabeth are giggling like mad may mean they are having too much fun doing something I'll end up paying for later. But the sound of their merriment is worth it. And the peaceful contentment? I've learned not to ask Why? when a good thing comes my way, but simply to enjoy it, lavishly roll in and treasure it. Such is this day.
I feel my writing is a bit rusty. If there were a writer's oil can handy, I think I'd have to oil my joints and lubricate the recesses of my brain! Not unlike my relationship with my Lord, the trials are what tend to draw us near and for me, prompt my pen. Perhaps that means my trials have been less severe of late; oh, praise! That's cause for celebration!
As I have been absent for some time from blogging, how about a quick update?
I've mentioned before I've been a little bummed that my children seem unappreciative of my culinary skills. So that my abilities in the kitchen don't suffer from lack of use, I have volunteered to bake treats and goodies for our local volunteer fire department. They meet weekly and I use that opportunity to share something yummy. I've always firmly believed in using family and friends as guinea pigs for sampling new recipes and now I have a new audience! And, it allows me the opportunity to give to those who are giving their time and service for the safety and betterment of our community.
Being a member of our three person school board kept me busy with extra meetings during the early months of the year. We were conducting a search for a new Superintendent/Principal following the announcement of the retirement of our current one. It was a tremendous responsibility and I am hopeful in our choice and grateful the process is complete!
Big Creek is also on the verge of welcoming a new pastor to our community church. Pastor Roger Siegrist and his wife, Elizabeth, will be relocating from Pennsylvania later this year along with their two young children. It's exciting to anticipate the growth and change God has planned for the residents of Big Creek. I sincerely pray we are willing servants, answering whatever call He places on us.
My days have not altered significantly; I am still seemingly at the beck and call of Benjamin and Elizabeth! Ben graduated from preschool a couple weeks ago and is eager to begin Kindergarten in the Fall, when Elizabeth will enter preschool. With Summer ahead, we will be busy with swim lessons, a camping trip or two in our old-but-new-to-us pop-up trailer, as well as a jaunt to the coast and a Shaver Lake horseback ride with the kids. I may check into karate for them, too, to help work off some of their immeasurable energy!
I have about a zillion DIY projects in mind: a bean-bag toss gameboard (yeah! I'll finally get to use my jigsaw!) and handpainted hopscotch path for the kids and a patio made of concrete pavers and old brick are tops on my list. The garage is in desperate need of cleaning, purging, and organizing. If only the weather would cooperate, I could empty the space and start fresh with new shelving and bins.
A spiffy new firewood storage shelter is slated to be constructed, which will eliminate the irritating tarps that were constantly needing management through the cold winter months. Ugh. I will NOT miss wrangling those darn things!
These are just a sampling of summer activities I have in mind. I always seem to have a 'to do' list as long as my arm; of course, once something is crossed off, there is another task to replace it. I'd like to finish painting the rooms in the house, design and create my Italian corridor, train for another half (or full) marathon, reconstruct the lawn Charley has had his way with, wax the Montero (nah, cross that one off - I hate waxing a car), buy a chain saw and cut some wood... ah, the list is indeed endless! I like being busy, creative, productive. Maybe I'll even have some time and opportunity to develop some friendships, catch a show at Roger Rocka's, savor a meal I haven't had to cook or clean up with a nice someone, and spend an evening or two enjoying a glass of wine outside by a fire in the chiminea. Because, really, you can't beat the clear night sky awash with crystalline stars here in Big Creek.
I feel my writing is a bit rusty. If there were a writer's oil can handy, I think I'd have to oil my joints and lubricate the recesses of my brain! Not unlike my relationship with my Lord, the trials are what tend to draw us near and for me, prompt my pen. Perhaps that means my trials have been less severe of late; oh, praise! That's cause for celebration!
As I have been absent for some time from blogging, how about a quick update?
I've mentioned before I've been a little bummed that my children seem unappreciative of my culinary skills. So that my abilities in the kitchen don't suffer from lack of use, I have volunteered to bake treats and goodies for our local volunteer fire department. They meet weekly and I use that opportunity to share something yummy. I've always firmly believed in using family and friends as guinea pigs for sampling new recipes and now I have a new audience! And, it allows me the opportunity to give to those who are giving their time and service for the safety and betterment of our community.
Being a member of our three person school board kept me busy with extra meetings during the early months of the year. We were conducting a search for a new Superintendent/Principal following the announcement of the retirement of our current one. It was a tremendous responsibility and I am hopeful in our choice and grateful the process is complete!
Big Creek is also on the verge of welcoming a new pastor to our community church. Pastor Roger Siegrist and his wife, Elizabeth, will be relocating from Pennsylvania later this year along with their two young children. It's exciting to anticipate the growth and change God has planned for the residents of Big Creek. I sincerely pray we are willing servants, answering whatever call He places on us.
My days have not altered significantly; I am still seemingly at the beck and call of Benjamin and Elizabeth! Ben graduated from preschool a couple weeks ago and is eager to begin Kindergarten in the Fall, when Elizabeth will enter preschool. With Summer ahead, we will be busy with swim lessons, a camping trip or two in our old-but-new-to-us pop-up trailer, as well as a jaunt to the coast and a Shaver Lake horseback ride with the kids. I may check into karate for them, too, to help work off some of their immeasurable energy!
I have about a zillion DIY projects in mind: a bean-bag toss gameboard (yeah! I'll finally get to use my jigsaw!) and handpainted hopscotch path for the kids and a patio made of concrete pavers and old brick are tops on my list. The garage is in desperate need of cleaning, purging, and organizing. If only the weather would cooperate, I could empty the space and start fresh with new shelving and bins.
A spiffy new firewood storage shelter is slated to be constructed, which will eliminate the irritating tarps that were constantly needing management through the cold winter months. Ugh. I will NOT miss wrangling those darn things!
These are just a sampling of summer activities I have in mind. I always seem to have a 'to do' list as long as my arm; of course, once something is crossed off, there is another task to replace it. I'd like to finish painting the rooms in the house, design and create my Italian corridor, train for another half (or full) marathon, reconstruct the lawn Charley has had his way with, wax the Montero (nah, cross that one off - I hate waxing a car), buy a chain saw and cut some wood... ah, the list is indeed endless! I like being busy, creative, productive. Maybe I'll even have some time and opportunity to develop some friendships, catch a show at Roger Rocka's, savor a meal I haven't had to cook or clean up with a nice someone, and spend an evening or two enjoying a glass of wine outside by a fire in the chiminea. Because, really, you can't beat the clear night sky awash with crystalline stars here in Big Creek.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Rising to the Occasion
It's Easter Sunday. A day of hope, new life, and God's promises. A day of celebrating the goodness of blessings and the miracle of miracles. And yet, here I am feeling very lonely, alone, and depressed. How, or better, why does this happen? What is it that brings me to such low depths?
For the past several days, I've been battling feelings of inadequacy and failure. They seem to encompass nearly every aspect of life: my children, my housekeeping and cooking skills, my ability to simply get even simple things done. Every task, no matter how minute, seems beyond my energy-level and capabilities. This morning, I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, "I can't do this alone."
I know everyone has their own challenges. And, not to exaggerate or diminish my own, they are what they are: Challenges. I'm facing the very real possibility my husband will be using an attorney to proceed with the divorce he initiated, which could make things lengthy, costly, and ugly. I have yet another follow-up doctor appointment next week to monitor the possibility of cancer. For the past several weeks, being part of our small school board, I have been preoccupied with the important task and responsibility of reviewing, interviewing, and selecting the most worthy applicant for Superintendent/Principal to serve our children and community. I joined some on-line dating thing out of curiosity to see who (or what!) is out there, and not only do I find few men of any interest, it seems clear who is out there feels the same about me - little to no interest. My children test me unceasingly with their demands, and battle my decisions constantly. Everywhere I look, I realize with certain despondency my inability to rise above these circumstances and thrive.
I guess, bottom-line, I feel any "fight" in me is fading - fast. I simply do not have the energy or interest to wage war. Yes, I know - that is pretty much what got me into this predicament - battling my husband in an effort to challenge him to grow (up). Clearly, that tactic was short-sighted and unquestionably unsuccessful. Simply, it was wrong. Even now, I catch myself employing the same futile tactic with my children. Do you realize how exhausting constant battle is? Maybe this is God's will for my life; to wear me out so I can let Him reign. I feel so ill-prepared to honorably manage the responsibilities entrusted to me. I think I should be able... but I am not.
For the past several days, I've been battling feelings of inadequacy and failure. They seem to encompass nearly every aspect of life: my children, my housekeeping and cooking skills, my ability to simply get even simple things done. Every task, no matter how minute, seems beyond my energy-level and capabilities. This morning, I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, "I can't do this alone."
I know everyone has their own challenges. And, not to exaggerate or diminish my own, they are what they are: Challenges. I'm facing the very real possibility my husband will be using an attorney to proceed with the divorce he initiated, which could make things lengthy, costly, and ugly. I have yet another follow-up doctor appointment next week to monitor the possibility of cancer. For the past several weeks, being part of our small school board, I have been preoccupied with the important task and responsibility of reviewing, interviewing, and selecting the most worthy applicant for Superintendent/Principal to serve our children and community. I joined some on-line dating thing out of curiosity to see who (or what!) is out there, and not only do I find few men of any interest, it seems clear who is out there feels the same about me - little to no interest. My children test me unceasingly with their demands, and battle my decisions constantly. Everywhere I look, I realize with certain despondency my inability to rise above these circumstances and thrive.
I guess, bottom-line, I feel any "fight" in me is fading - fast. I simply do not have the energy or interest to wage war. Yes, I know - that is pretty much what got me into this predicament - battling my husband in an effort to challenge him to grow (up). Clearly, that tactic was short-sighted and unquestionably unsuccessful. Simply, it was wrong. Even now, I catch myself employing the same futile tactic with my children. Do you realize how exhausting constant battle is? Maybe this is God's will for my life; to wear me out so I can let Him reign. I feel so ill-prepared to honorably manage the responsibilities entrusted to me. I think I should be able... but I am not.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Setting it Straight
Some folks can let "stuff" go, like water off a duck's back. I guess I wish I were more of a quack! "Stuff" gets to me. It gets to me and gets me down. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've always worried too much about what other people think of me. Now, I'm worried they'll think a lie is the truth.
For the record, folks, I did not leave my husband; he packed a bag and left me. And he sees his son and daughter regularly every other weekend. I've never denied him an opportunity, but then, he's never once asked beyond what is stipulated in the settlement agreement.
I do not deny I made many mistakes in my marriage but divorce is never what I expected or wanted. I thought a Christian marriage would be different. Count me wrong again.
For the record, folks, I did not leave my husband; he packed a bag and left me. And he sees his son and daughter regularly every other weekend. I've never denied him an opportunity, but then, he's never once asked beyond what is stipulated in the settlement agreement.
I do not deny I made many mistakes in my marriage but divorce is never what I expected or wanted. I thought a Christian marriage would be different. Count me wrong again.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Better Perspective
Fresh perspective can be priceless. It can determine the difference between despair and peace. Not only can the simple factor of time heal wounds, but the wise and objective words of someone outside a situation can bring clarity of mind.
Two days ago I was sad and distraught after hearing some unflattering news about my husband. I see now that the enemy used that news to suck me into wallowing in shame and tried to make me feel responsible somehow. I was clutching onto a responsibility that is not mine. The fresh perspective of a friend helped me see what is and what is not my responsibility. I am not responsible for the actions of any other, including my soon-to-be former spouse. I am not responsible for the decisions, words, or behavior of anyone but myself. So, in essence, if someone wants to dig their own grave, don't pin it on me.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that the information I heard doesn't still upset me or that I have elected to gloat about someone else's poor decisions; as the apostle Paul would say, "May it never be!" At the same time, I don't have to let myself be dragged down in the process.
When I pray with my son at bedtime, my prayer for his daddy is for protection and that he would make good decisions. I will continue to pray for both, because I know God hears.
Two days ago I was sad and distraught after hearing some unflattering news about my husband. I see now that the enemy used that news to suck me into wallowing in shame and tried to make me feel responsible somehow. I was clutching onto a responsibility that is not mine. The fresh perspective of a friend helped me see what is and what is not my responsibility. I am not responsible for the actions of any other, including my soon-to-be former spouse. I am not responsible for the decisions, words, or behavior of anyone but myself. So, in essence, if someone wants to dig their own grave, don't pin it on me.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that the information I heard doesn't still upset me or that I have elected to gloat about someone else's poor decisions; as the apostle Paul would say, "May it never be!" At the same time, I don't have to let myself be dragged down in the process.
When I pray with my son at bedtime, my prayer for his daddy is for protection and that he would make good decisions. I will continue to pray for both, because I know God hears.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A Prayer
You know, you get to a point in a crummy situation when you believe the worst is behind you and nothing more can hurt like it did when it was fresh. Then, you hear things... sad things... embarrassing things... hurtful things...
It's been eleven months since my husband left me. I cannot believe it has been one month shy of a full year. But it has. I think I am adjusting; the situation still isn't what I wanted or expected but I'm adjusting. Still, there are good days and not-so-good days. Today can be chalked up to a not-so-good day.
I got together with someone I haven't visited with for quite some time. Cutting to the chase, she shared with me some rather unpleasant information about my husband, things apparently witnessed by many others. For starters, it's embarrassing, humiliating, disappointing. Despite what others believe, I believe it is a reflection on me and my children. As when he left me, I am more bewildered and sad than angry.
I do not know what to do with this information. Pray? Cry? Pray and cry?! I just want to hide, hibernate, isolate myself until I can figure out how to deal with this. I cannot ignore or simply wash my hands of him; he is my children's father, at the very least, as well as the man I loved and married, expecting to be together until death do us part. Who is this man?
Father God, thank You for Your sovereignty and Your merciful care and compassion. Give me wisdom. Protect my children - Your children. Amen.
It's been eleven months since my husband left me. I cannot believe it has been one month shy of a full year. But it has. I think I am adjusting; the situation still isn't what I wanted or expected but I'm adjusting. Still, there are good days and not-so-good days. Today can be chalked up to a not-so-good day.
I got together with someone I haven't visited with for quite some time. Cutting to the chase, she shared with me some rather unpleasant information about my husband, things apparently witnessed by many others. For starters, it's embarrassing, humiliating, disappointing. Despite what others believe, I believe it is a reflection on me and my children. As when he left me, I am more bewildered and sad than angry.
I do not know what to do with this information. Pray? Cry? Pray and cry?! I just want to hide, hibernate, isolate myself until I can figure out how to deal with this. I cannot ignore or simply wash my hands of him; he is my children's father, at the very least, as well as the man I loved and married, expecting to be together until death do us part. Who is this man?
Father God, thank You for Your sovereignty and Your merciful care and compassion. Give me wisdom. Protect my children - Your children. Amen.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
He Loves Me
Not to be left out of the festive holiday, she bought herself an inexpensive bouquet of flowers. Because, you see, it wasn't the cost or who they came from (herself), but the thought, that mattered. And, by the way, they're lovely.
And the song playing on the radio went like this:
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
According to Christian music artist JJ Heller, that's "What Love Really Means."
This Valentine's Day, there will be no "he loves me, he loves me not" because I already know - He loves me.
And the song playing on the radio went like this:
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
According to Christian music artist JJ Heller, that's "What Love Really Means."
This Valentine's Day, there will be no "he loves me, he loves me not" because I already know - He loves me.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wistful Thinking
When I was a young girl, my head was never not in a book. Like some people chain smoke, I would chain read! No sooner had I put one book down and I would be picking up another. I couldn't get enough!
As I grew up and "life happened," however, my disposal time to read became less and less. Distractions piled one on top of the other and demands for my attention drew me away from something I used to love to get lost in. Like e-mail or texting has replaced handwriting a letter, television and movies have become current avenues of escape. Since our move last May, however, television, per se, is a thing of the past. Our television is used solely for watching movies and after watching children's movies off and on most of the day, I find it more peaceful to turn the tube off in the evenings. And once again, I'm rediscovering books.
For a while, I was reading books similar to the subjects I'd been entertained with through television series: mysteries and drama. After a time, however, I realized I really didn't benefit from the hopelessness of violence, despair, darkness and tragedy. It was an escape, sure, but not necessarily a healthy one! I am easily offended at coarse language, the nonchalant approach toward sexual immorality, and the tolerant attitude of sinful behavior. I was hesitant at first to read Christian fiction; after all, although it would be tame enough for my beliefs, but would it be spicy enough to keep my attention? I stumbled on a popular and successful author, Karen Kingsbury, and I'm finding the answer to be "yes." She handles the reality of life's choices - good and bad - with a tenderness and sensitivity, and the best part of all, she illustrates how God is in the midst of both the ups and downs - just like real life.
Admittedly, the love stories - rampant in her "Redemption" series - have me thinking wistfully. I remind myself I'm not reading non-fiction but pretend stories. And yet... I find myself wondering, wishing, wanting to experience the kind of friendship and love many of the characters find. And that is most often the order of their relationships: Friendship first and then love. I'm not sure I've ever had that.
What would it be like for your best friend to be your spouse, and your spouse to be your best friend? Oh, Father in Heaven, is it possible? You made man and woman so very different. Is it truly possible to connect and complement each other in the ways depicted in fictional love stories? Every once in a while, I meet a couple that have been able to weather their life's storms and celebrate decades of marriage. Reality for me is that will most likely never be reality for me. It makes me view these people in awe and wonder for their steadfastness, and makes me mourn all the more my losses.
I confess in these days I contemplate remaining unmarried the remainder of my days; after all, twice divorced is a pretty lousy track record. And yet, I cannot deny I have a yearning to experience a love story like those I read about. All I can do is lay this before the Lord. He knows what my future holds and I trust Him. I have to.
As I grew up and "life happened," however, my disposal time to read became less and less. Distractions piled one on top of the other and demands for my attention drew me away from something I used to love to get lost in. Like e-mail or texting has replaced handwriting a letter, television and movies have become current avenues of escape. Since our move last May, however, television, per se, is a thing of the past. Our television is used solely for watching movies and after watching children's movies off and on most of the day, I find it more peaceful to turn the tube off in the evenings. And once again, I'm rediscovering books.
For a while, I was reading books similar to the subjects I'd been entertained with through television series: mysteries and drama. After a time, however, I realized I really didn't benefit from the hopelessness of violence, despair, darkness and tragedy. It was an escape, sure, but not necessarily a healthy one! I am easily offended at coarse language, the nonchalant approach toward sexual immorality, and the tolerant attitude of sinful behavior. I was hesitant at first to read Christian fiction; after all, although it would be tame enough for my beliefs, but would it be spicy enough to keep my attention? I stumbled on a popular and successful author, Karen Kingsbury, and I'm finding the answer to be "yes." She handles the reality of life's choices - good and bad - with a tenderness and sensitivity, and the best part of all, she illustrates how God is in the midst of both the ups and downs - just like real life.
Admittedly, the love stories - rampant in her "Redemption" series - have me thinking wistfully. I remind myself I'm not reading non-fiction but pretend stories. And yet... I find myself wondering, wishing, wanting to experience the kind of friendship and love many of the characters find. And that is most often the order of their relationships: Friendship first and then love. I'm not sure I've ever had that.
What would it be like for your best friend to be your spouse, and your spouse to be your best friend? Oh, Father in Heaven, is it possible? You made man and woman so very different. Is it truly possible to connect and complement each other in the ways depicted in fictional love stories? Every once in a while, I meet a couple that have been able to weather their life's storms and celebrate decades of marriage. Reality for me is that will most likely never be reality for me. It makes me view these people in awe and wonder for their steadfastness, and makes me mourn all the more my losses.
I confess in these days I contemplate remaining unmarried the remainder of my days; after all, twice divorced is a pretty lousy track record. And yet, I cannot deny I have a yearning to experience a love story like those I read about. All I can do is lay this before the Lord. He knows what my future holds and I trust Him. I have to.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
What's in Store for the Future...
I am so agitated right now. I should know better than to "put pen to paper" when I'm this emotionally-charged but, hey, it is my blog after all, right?
When someone is building a business yet puts endless restrictions on its patrons, geesh, how in the world do they expect to survive?! I'm no entrepeneur but even the commonsense part of me says they gotta be willing to bend if they want to make it. If that business owner cares about the community, they need to be willing to compromise in some areas. If they don't care so much, perhaps they need to reconsider their motivation...and location, location, location.
Now, maybe I'm way off base here. As I said and readily confess, I never have and very possibly never will own and operate my own gig. Probably a good decision. But when I walk into a small, privately owned business, try to support it however and whenever I am financially able and willing, and am told complaints about a customer or employee, told don't let your kids touch this or that ("because it cost x-amount of dollars") or don't let them touch the glass doors ("because I don't want to have to clean them") - my support is going to become even more infrequent.
In a community this small, a small business owner doesn't have a huge resource of support so they better be willing to do some catering to needs - and that means the customer's needs, not the business owner's! Who is always right? The customer. Who pays their bills? The customer. And they dare make me - or my children - feel unwelcome?! No, my children are not perfect angels; and, oh, by the way, I couldn't care less if they think theirs was. If they don't like my children in their store, put a sign out front as to what their rules, preferences, and restrictions are.... and we'll see if they are still here another year from now.
When someone is building a business yet puts endless restrictions on its patrons, geesh, how in the world do they expect to survive?! I'm no entrepeneur but even the commonsense part of me says they gotta be willing to bend if they want to make it. If that business owner cares about the community, they need to be willing to compromise in some areas. If they don't care so much, perhaps they need to reconsider their motivation...and location, location, location.
Now, maybe I'm way off base here. As I said and readily confess, I never have and very possibly never will own and operate my own gig. Probably a good decision. But when I walk into a small, privately owned business, try to support it however and whenever I am financially able and willing, and am told complaints about a customer or employee, told don't let your kids touch this or that ("because it cost x-amount of dollars") or don't let them touch the glass doors ("because I don't want to have to clean them") - my support is going to become even more infrequent.
In a community this small, a small business owner doesn't have a huge resource of support so they better be willing to do some catering to needs - and that means the customer's needs, not the business owner's! Who is always right? The customer. Who pays their bills? The customer. And they dare make me - or my children - feel unwelcome?! No, my children are not perfect angels; and, oh, by the way, I couldn't care less if they think theirs was. If they don't like my children in their store, put a sign out front as to what their rules, preferences, and restrictions are.... and we'll see if they are still here another year from now.
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