We’ve probably all heard the saying “time heals all wounds.” While it may not heal all for all, time can take away the initial sting of an injury, whether that injury is physical or emotional. Such it is for me; a little bit of time has allowed the initial sting of an emotional injury enough that I can finally address it.
Two weeks ago today, I reached a milestone: I turned 50. For some, entering any new decade can be traumatic. I chose early on to embrace it and I chose to do so by throwing myself a party.
At first, my plans were BIG! After all, a milestone by definition is “an important event or turning point.” I believe turning 50 qualified for that and was certainly worth celebrating in a big way. Although I don’t generally seek the spotlight, I was ready to step out and onto center stage: Fifty guests for my 50 years, a pictorial stroll through my five decades, clever games, a room filled-to-overflowing with friends and family who cared for me enough to be there….. Yes, those were only a few of my first thoughts on what my party might look like.
As time drew near, my quest for center stage dwindled. I wasn’t getting many (hardly any) responses and I began to panic that my “big event” was big only to me. To save face, I wished I could scrap the whole thing and get the hell outta Dodge. Many of the people I’d most wanted to be there were bailing left and right. There were some who had what I believed to be legitimate reasons -- distance, illness, etc., but my special night was being forfeited for a sports game, weariness, a little life drama, a last-minute family outing -- all things, in my selfish opinion, that could happen some other time (certainly NOT once-in-a-lifetime events!) and didn’t hold a candle to my milestone. “It’s okay,” I told myself, “maybe on the next 50.” Except, as we should all know, that ‘next 50’ doesn’t usually happen.
I tried to be gracious. I tried to be understanding. I tried not to take it personally but I couldn’t help but think of the line from “You’ve Got Mail” -- “It may not be personal to you, but it is personal to me.”
The night of the event, I prepped for my party holding onto some expectation there would be last-minute, non-RSVPers popping through the door with celebratory exclamations of well-wishes. After all, that is how it tends to be here in Big Creek. It was not to be. Aside from two dear girlfriends who helped make the evening happen, there were 8 other guests. Eight. “Is this all that is coming?” I whispered in my friend‘s ear. Yes, that was all.
There was a hearty lesson to be learned from this, and I have not missed it. In the past, I have received invitations for birthdays, baby showers and other celebrations. And, for my own selfish reasons, I have too often chosen not to go. After experiencing my own disappointment, though, I will give great and sincere consideration before making any decision, especially a negative one. After all, if I receive an invitation, I should assume it is because I am wanted there. If someone thought enough of me to include me, I should think enough of them to be there.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sobbing for Mom
I went for a run this morning. I was expecting my typical run, 5 miles long, waving to cars and trucks as they speed by. I do that for two reasons: one, so they know I know they're there and two, just to be friendly. But it wasn't typical this time.
I could hear a vehicle come up behind me. I try to be very aware of traffic, and I was aware this one was slowing. It's always nice when I see someone I know and they slow enough to say Hello! This time, however, it wasn't just a Hello. It became the delivery of some jolting news: A long-time resident and many-decade retired teacher from our school had gone home to her Savior last night. I know her son and have met one of her four daughters. My tearful and shocked response was something like, "I know we all have our last day but some folks you just expect to live forever." Barbara was one of those ladies...
He drove on and I tried to continue my run. I found myself praying for this family and their loss. I don't know if you can relate, unless you, too, have lost someone as dear as a parent. I have. I thought about her son; my last conversation with him was about his mom. Is he at peace with her passing? Was he with her when she took her last breath? Was anyone with her? Please, God, I pray, that someone was with her. I pray she was ushered to the presence of the Lord, from this life to eternity, with loved ones by her side.
I sobbed. I sobbed for my own mom, gone now nearly 19 years. Like yesterday. I thought about my precious friends who still have the blessing of the presence of their parents. Call them! I pleaded silently. Don't let the sun set this day without calling them and telling them "I love you." What I wouldn't give to tell Mom face to face...
I ran bleary-eyed to the halfway point. I did my stretch routine. I started to run back up the road but only got a few yards before taking the grade. I ended up just walking. And thinking, And sobbing.... for my mom.
I could hear a vehicle come up behind me. I try to be very aware of traffic, and I was aware this one was slowing. It's always nice when I see someone I know and they slow enough to say Hello! This time, however, it wasn't just a Hello. It became the delivery of some jolting news: A long-time resident and many-decade retired teacher from our school had gone home to her Savior last night. I know her son and have met one of her four daughters. My tearful and shocked response was something like, "I know we all have our last day but some folks you just expect to live forever." Barbara was one of those ladies...
He drove on and I tried to continue my run. I found myself praying for this family and their loss. I don't know if you can relate, unless you, too, have lost someone as dear as a parent. I have. I thought about her son; my last conversation with him was about his mom. Is he at peace with her passing? Was he with her when she took her last breath? Was anyone with her? Please, God, I pray, that someone was with her. I pray she was ushered to the presence of the Lord, from this life to eternity, with loved ones by her side.
I sobbed. I sobbed for my own mom, gone now nearly 19 years. Like yesterday. I thought about my precious friends who still have the blessing of the presence of their parents. Call them! I pleaded silently. Don't let the sun set this day without calling them and telling them "I love you." What I wouldn't give to tell Mom face to face...
I ran bleary-eyed to the halfway point. I did my stretch routine. I started to run back up the road but only got a few yards before taking the grade. I ended up just walking. And thinking, And sobbing.... for my mom.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
99 No's
I've always had a thing about someone telling me what to do; it usually makes me dig my heels in and stubbornly resist. Of course there are times it is perfectly legitimate and I am more than willing to go with the flow and comply. What I'm referring to are those times someone thinks they know what is best for me, without really knowing me.
Take for instance a man I recently met. Within a few conversations over the course of only a few days, he made statements for me; he countered much of what I had to say (and then wondered why I had so little to say!); and presumed to know what I was thinking, why I was thinking it, and what I needed to do about it. The unnerving part was how accurate some of his insights were; the annoying part was how presumptuous he was about it all!
I met him for a casual outing because I was intrigued. And hopeful, as I have been so many times in the past few years. I was hoping for some chemistry but it wasn't there - at all. Analyzing myself has been something I've done for years, but to sit across from someone I barely know who felt it acceptable to dissect my life was just too much.
They say it takes 99 no's to get to the one yes; I should be getting close.
Take for instance a man I recently met. Within a few conversations over the course of only a few days, he made statements for me; he countered much of what I had to say (and then wondered why I had so little to say!); and presumed to know what I was thinking, why I was thinking it, and what I needed to do about it. The unnerving part was how accurate some of his insights were; the annoying part was how presumptuous he was about it all!
I met him for a casual outing because I was intrigued. And hopeful, as I have been so many times in the past few years. I was hoping for some chemistry but it wasn't there - at all. Analyzing myself has been something I've done for years, but to sit across from someone I barely know who felt it acceptable to dissect my life was just too much.
They say it takes 99 no's to get to the one yes; I should be getting close.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I Never Knew...
I never knew just how good a purge episode could feel! I mean, I've heard how good it could feel... others have said how good it could feel... but never have I experienced such a positive purge moment like today!
Okay, well, that could be a slight exaggeration but still, the point is this: There is power in the purge!
Very recently I resigned an employment post. Initially, I felt like I was sporting the word FAILURE boldly emblazoned across my forehead, not unlike the unfortunate soul in The Scarlet Letter. Time passes and God's truth kicks in: I'm not a failure. That particular position and I were simply a misfit. I gave it a try and I did not do well. I could come up with any number of reasons why that was the case, but long story short, the duties and responsibilities were far beyond what I initially understood them to be and in all honesty, I had neither the time nor interest in learning them. Realizing my limitation is not a failure, it is merely that: A realization.
Along with the resignation means yet another purge opportunity. Having held this position meant inheriting files, office supplies, a computer, monitor, and printer.... in addition to my own personal office tools. "Their" stuff occupied my desk top, space, and cabinet drawers, contributing to my natural knack of clutterdom. No more!
My space is once more my space. Their 4-drawer filing cabinet, looming tall and cumbersome, is gone. I can now see more of, rather than less of, my oak desk top because their monitor, printer, keyboard, and mouse & pad are gone. The notes, piles of mail and filing, and conference binders are gone. And you know something? It feels really good.
Okay, well, that could be a slight exaggeration but still, the point is this: There is power in the purge!
Very recently I resigned an employment post. Initially, I felt like I was sporting the word FAILURE boldly emblazoned across my forehead, not unlike the unfortunate soul in The Scarlet Letter. Time passes and God's truth kicks in: I'm not a failure. That particular position and I were simply a misfit. I gave it a try and I did not do well. I could come up with any number of reasons why that was the case, but long story short, the duties and responsibilities were far beyond what I initially understood them to be and in all honesty, I had neither the time nor interest in learning them. Realizing my limitation is not a failure, it is merely that: A realization.
Along with the resignation means yet another purge opportunity. Having held this position meant inheriting files, office supplies, a computer, monitor, and printer.... in addition to my own personal office tools. "Their" stuff occupied my desk top, space, and cabinet drawers, contributing to my natural knack of clutterdom. No more!
My space is once more my space. Their 4-drawer filing cabinet, looming tall and cumbersome, is gone. I can now see more of, rather than less of, my oak desk top because their monitor, printer, keyboard, and mouse & pad are gone. The notes, piles of mail and filing, and conference binders are gone. And you know something? It feels really good.
The Power of Purge
It's been a bit of a slow start on my purge project but the good news is this: I started.
First place of purge was the cupboards. I know someone who is a great baker, but unfortunately, I've come to learn some of her baked goods taste stale and it occurred to me it could be she has used expired ingredients. I determined not to replicate that baking error, but because I also have a problem throwing food away, I have had a tendency to hold onto packaged goods past their "Use before date." No more! I scourged my cupboard for such items and much to my dismay, discovered more than just a handful of items that absolutely had to go!
Project Purge has begun!
First place of purge was the cupboards. I know someone who is a great baker, but unfortunately, I've come to learn some of her baked goods taste stale and it occurred to me it could be she has used expired ingredients. I determined not to replicate that baking error, but because I also have a problem throwing food away, I have had a tendency to hold onto packaged goods past their "Use before date." No more! I scourged my cupboard for such items and much to my dismay, discovered more than just a handful of items that absolutely had to go!
Project Purge has begun!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Project Purge
I'm not EVEN going to address my absence from my dearly beloved blog. Let's just move on, folks!
Okay - new goal to go purge-a-licious! I use to have a friend, Andy, who had the habit of adding "a-licious" to a lot of words. Got kinda crazy but made for some comical and fun conversation. Bouncing off that rabbit trail... :-)
I have read countless articles on de-cluttering and purging, because I am a self-professed pack rat; I have a sentimental, Depression-era tendency to hold onto WAY TOO MUCH STUFF!! With every article, I have been inspired... until the end of the article when I get distracted with some other life task. There was once a period of over a decade I had boxes in my garage I never unpacked; clearly, I did not need the stuff but could I part with it? Not easily. So, the result is in my very busy day-to-day existence, I am visually assaulted (wow! does that ever reek of drama!) with household clutter, top to bottom, side to side, front to back. I'm done! she says with gusto. Time to purge and clear the room - at least to some degree!
My main obstacle is maintaining momentum. I think I'm really serious this time. This will be a journey. Care to come along? I'll be posting pics and prose as to my progress. You can consider this a challenge (to purge your own abode) or a chance (to laugh at my angst). Either way, I'm DOING it!
Stay tuned!
Okay - new goal to go purge-a-licious! I use to have a friend, Andy, who had the habit of adding "a-licious" to a lot of words. Got kinda crazy but made for some comical and fun conversation. Bouncing off that rabbit trail... :-)
I have read countless articles on de-cluttering and purging, because I am a self-professed pack rat; I have a sentimental, Depression-era tendency to hold onto WAY TOO MUCH STUFF!! With every article, I have been inspired... until the end of the article when I get distracted with some other life task. There was once a period of over a decade I had boxes in my garage I never unpacked; clearly, I did not need the stuff but could I part with it? Not easily. So, the result is in my very busy day-to-day existence, I am visually assaulted (wow! does that ever reek of drama!) with household clutter, top to bottom, side to side, front to back. I'm done! she says with gusto. Time to purge and clear the room - at least to some degree!
My main obstacle is maintaining momentum. I think I'm really serious this time. This will be a journey. Care to come along? I'll be posting pics and prose as to my progress. You can consider this a challenge (to purge your own abode) or a chance (to laugh at my angst). Either way, I'm DOING it!
Stay tuned!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
This Feels Vaguely Familiar
How am I feeling? Well, Facebook, thanks for asking - a little crappy. Just took about a 20-year step backward. Wish I had a cigarette.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Match-less
Okay, so I am still an active member of the on-line dating site, Match.com. I shudder to think how long I have been on-board with them. Matter-of-fact, I anxiously await my expiration date. Just to clarify, that's the expiration of the membership, not of my life.
You may wonder why I don't just cancel and move on. I am far too practical for that; I spent the money, dang it, and I am going to get what I paid for. What exactly did I pay for? Oh, yes, rollercoaster rejection. Wheeeeeee! Are we having fun yet?
I have corresponded briefly - I cannot express how briefly - with a few "gentlemen." Yes, friends, I use that term loosely. Some of the profiles read like that of a 17-year old, testosterone-crazed, I-have-yet-to-understand-women boy's Wish List: Men who just want to have fun looking for women half their age. Whatever. The women are strictly prohibited from displaying any drama (good luck) and for heaven's sake, no liars, no cheaters, no game players. Duh.
Anyway, I met this guy who has been on the site at least as long as I have. I think I have even tried a Wink or a brief Email to generate some feedback, never to any result. That is, until recently. Maybe neither one of us have been successful; we're now looking at the second-string players (or are we the bench-warmers?!).
So, after a couple weeks (maybe) of corresponding, he suggests we meet for coffee and a chat. I knew I would be in town yesterday and made plans to meet him for coffee. I'm a few minutes late - not a good first impression. I was a little nervous but presented what I felt was a pretty confident, upbeat face. He gave me a bit of an awkward handshake-hug combination and said he'd already gotten his coffee, maybe I wanted to go inside and order something. Sure, I said. And so I did.
He didn't offer to buy my coffee. After only an hour, he says, "C'mon, let's go." I wasn't sure where we were going but quickly learned he was walking me to my car. It felt like an early dismissal. Later in the day, I sent him a note saying thank you for the coffee-time chat, since I coudn't say thank you for the coffee since he didn't spring for it. It's been about 29 hours and still, I haven't heard a peep from him. I wondered what he thought of me, of our visit. I guess I know. I guess I'll be buying my own coffee for a while longer.
You may wonder why I don't just cancel and move on. I am far too practical for that; I spent the money, dang it, and I am going to get what I paid for. What exactly did I pay for? Oh, yes, rollercoaster rejection. Wheeeeeee! Are we having fun yet?
I have corresponded briefly - I cannot express how briefly - with a few "gentlemen." Yes, friends, I use that term loosely. Some of the profiles read like that of a 17-year old, testosterone-crazed, I-have-yet-to-understand-women boy's Wish List: Men who just want to have fun looking for women half their age. Whatever. The women are strictly prohibited from displaying any drama (good luck) and for heaven's sake, no liars, no cheaters, no game players. Duh.
Anyway, I met this guy who has been on the site at least as long as I have. I think I have even tried a Wink or a brief Email to generate some feedback, never to any result. That is, until recently. Maybe neither one of us have been successful; we're now looking at the second-string players (or are we the bench-warmers?!).
So, after a couple weeks (maybe) of corresponding, he suggests we meet for coffee and a chat. I knew I would be in town yesterday and made plans to meet him for coffee. I'm a few minutes late - not a good first impression. I was a little nervous but presented what I felt was a pretty confident, upbeat face. He gave me a bit of an awkward handshake-hug combination and said he'd already gotten his coffee, maybe I wanted to go inside and order something. Sure, I said. And so I did.
He didn't offer to buy my coffee. After only an hour, he says, "C'mon, let's go." I wasn't sure where we were going but quickly learned he was walking me to my car. It felt like an early dismissal. Later in the day, I sent him a note saying thank you for the coffee-time chat, since I coudn't say thank you for the coffee since he didn't spring for it. It's been about 29 hours and still, I haven't heard a peep from him. I wondered what he thought of me, of our visit. I guess I know. I guess I'll be buying my own coffee for a while longer.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The Overflowing Plate
Am I the only one who puts too much on their plate?! I know - that's a silly question. Seems to be the curse of our culture. Aside from my full-time mommy job, I have a part-time position and two volunteer positions. That's the short list. Because I'm me, I have a challenging time keeping up with and successfully completing all I've committed to.
Recently, I questioned why I had accepted the last volunteer duties and I had an epiphany. Epiphanies can be very liberating. It dawned on me I had accepted for two reasons: 1-There was a need. I felt compelled to meet that need. Nothing wrong with that. 2-I accepted to prove to myself and others I could do as much as others. How s-t-u-p-i-d. Something very wrong with that. Why, oh, why, do I think I have to keep up with those imaginary Joneses?
God designed each of us to be different beings. There is absolutely no need for me to try to be a duplicate of someone - anyone - else. I have some friends who are busy, busy, busy and seem to thrive on that busy-ness. Not me. It only makes me feel imcompetent and inadequate. So, when I take on more than I can comfortably handle, all I really accomplish is to set myself up for a slam on my self-esteem when I can't keep up.
Maybe what I need is to put myself on a diet, a commitment diet. So, I see a resignation in the near future. And more room on my plate.
Recently, I questioned why I had accepted the last volunteer duties and I had an epiphany. Epiphanies can be very liberating. It dawned on me I had accepted for two reasons: 1-There was a need. I felt compelled to meet that need. Nothing wrong with that. 2-I accepted to prove to myself and others I could do as much as others. How s-t-u-p-i-d. Something very wrong with that. Why, oh, why, do I think I have to keep up with those imaginary Joneses?
God designed each of us to be different beings. There is absolutely no need for me to try to be a duplicate of someone - anyone - else. I have some friends who are busy, busy, busy and seem to thrive on that busy-ness. Not me. It only makes me feel imcompetent and inadequate. So, when I take on more than I can comfortably handle, all I really accomplish is to set myself up for a slam on my self-esteem when I can't keep up.
Maybe what I need is to put myself on a diet, a commitment diet. So, I see a resignation in the near future. And more room on my plate.
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