Do I have the right to be happy? To be truly content in my circumstances? No, really, I am completely serious. After all, I am deemed responsible for the division of my family. Okay, granted, one person that I am aware of considers it 'my fault' but still... how is it that I am supposed to come away from this scenario HAPPY? Where is 'happy' supposed to fit into my life now?
I've grappled with this. I hurt someone. I hurt him deeply enough he decided he'd rather live without me (and his children). I guess the sacrificial "staying together for the sake of the children" is no longer the "in" thing to do. But that's a post for another day. Okay, so daily I get to live with the fact I behaved in such a way my husband threw in the towel, determined I was incapable of any permanent change, left me, and has filed for divorce. Whether or not I'm wholly to blame (last I heard, it still takes two to tango, right?), I know I have to pick up my pieces and as my soon-to-be ex-husband so eloquently stated, "focus on my life as he will do the same." Yes, well, that is easier said than done.
How do I move forward without appearing either like some blase b**** who doesn't give a damn her marriage and family appears irreparably damaged or like some pathetic martyr determined to live the rest of her days in self-prescribed humility and shame... and joylessness? How do I healthfully embrace the future without disregarding the past? How do I healthfully regard the past so that I can embrace the future? How do I live happily ever after, relatively speaking?
I cannot and should not pretend what took place didn't. I cannot erase what I did; there is no Rewind button I can press. I have caught myself trying to make light of the situation as if to say, "Hey, I'm handling this, I'm really okay" but even to my own ears, I sound flip and disrespectful. It is not my intention and yet, I recall some Michael W. Smith lyrics that go something like "...the road to good intentions doesn't lead to anywhere." I believe I must convey a certain honest humility in the most positive manner possible. I may not have an opportunity to properly communicate that in each and every encounter, but when I can, I should.
Prior to the separation, I shamefully confess thoughts of "singledom" held some appeal to me. I say 'shameful' because prior to marriage, I practically begged God to bring me a husband. I SO wanted to be married! So why, once married, did I think the grass had been greener on the single side of the fence? Don't we often want what we don't have? Well, I got what I thought I wanted. Now all I can do is make the best of it. Whether married or not, there would be days of sickness and health, riches and poverty, better or worse days, as well as sadness and joy. Sound familiar? I cannot expect all my days to be either/or; some days will be a mix and a blend of trials and triumphs. Perhaps my goal should not be perpetual bliss (not a very realistic goal anyway!), but rather that contentment Paul refers to in Philippians 4:12 (NIV):
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I rather doubt Paul was literally jumping for joy each time he suffered persecution. What truth Paul held close in his heart, however - the same comfort that can bring even this sinner contentment - is knowing my God has forgiven me, He loves me, and He does believe I am capable of change. I may not be blissfully giddy, but I can be contentedly joy-filled and joyful.
So, if you happen to see me smiling and laughing, it isn't because I am blithely indifferent to recent events. It is because I am practicing joy, despite recent events.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Practically Speaking
This morning, as I sat in the front room - an enclosed front porch surrounded by windows - my mind was a flurry of activity. Like a little ball in a pinball machine, my thoughts jumped erratically from one thing to the next. There was no continuity, no resolution, no decisions - just mindlessly muddled thoughts. I was fortunate enough to have the peaceful quiet of Benjamin and Elizabeth sleeping later than normal (I thank the cooler temperatures for that) because now that they are up and about, I not only have cacophony in my head but they are contributing to the confusion in a non-stop flow of NOISE.
For a while now, I've coasted in the present, not looking back at what was and is no more, or looking ahead to what might or might not be. The past couple days, however, I have been plagued with both - regretfully reliving the unkindnesses I burdened my husband with that gave him cause to leave me and wondering if I truly can be content in these circumstances and not spend the rest of my days mourning my losses. Was I really so unloveable? It both pains and irks me when the kids make ongoing references to their dad; they love him and have every right to do so, but it is like salt in the wound to hear their repetitive stories about what they did with him, how they miss him, asking if they are going to his house, and on and on. I know it is the enemy trying to make me feel more unloved and unwanted and as much as I do not want his influence on my thoughts, as my resistance weakens due to worn-down defenses, I find myself wallowing in my pit.
I know God has planned for me all the days of my life, and His plan is greater, healthier, better than anything I can come up with. But, practically speaking - and anyone who knows me well knows I am very practical - I find that hard to live out. You know, letting God rule. I'm independent, stubborn, and determined - a challenging combination when I am called as a believer to be a submissive, obedient follower.
Because I struggle knowing how to put the right behaviors into practice, this morning I have turned once again to practical projects. I pray my efforts in Ben and Elizabeth's lives are healthy and productive, but they are at ages and stages that test me constantly. I've always been a pretty good test taker but they are putting me through the paces like never before. I am feeling very weary and out of control regarding my children, my life and future and need the concrete evidence of accomplishing something. So, I think my "to do" list today will include such mundane things as mowing the lawn, washing the dog, mopping the floors, picking apples, etc. And then, after those petty tasks are done, I will hopefully have the good sense to relax and enjoy the life I have - including my two favorite people - Ben and Elizabeth.
For a while now, I've coasted in the present, not looking back at what was and is no more, or looking ahead to what might or might not be. The past couple days, however, I have been plagued with both - regretfully reliving the unkindnesses I burdened my husband with that gave him cause to leave me and wondering if I truly can be content in these circumstances and not spend the rest of my days mourning my losses. Was I really so unloveable? It both pains and irks me when the kids make ongoing references to their dad; they love him and have every right to do so, but it is like salt in the wound to hear their repetitive stories about what they did with him, how they miss him, asking if they are going to his house, and on and on. I know it is the enemy trying to make me feel more unloved and unwanted and as much as I do not want his influence on my thoughts, as my resistance weakens due to worn-down defenses, I find myself wallowing in my pit.
I know God has planned for me all the days of my life, and His plan is greater, healthier, better than anything I can come up with. But, practically speaking - and anyone who knows me well knows I am very practical - I find that hard to live out. You know, letting God rule. I'm independent, stubborn, and determined - a challenging combination when I am called as a believer to be a submissive, obedient follower.
Because I struggle knowing how to put the right behaviors into practice, this morning I have turned once again to practical projects. I pray my efforts in Ben and Elizabeth's lives are healthy and productive, but they are at ages and stages that test me constantly. I've always been a pretty good test taker but they are putting me through the paces like never before. I am feeling very weary and out of control regarding my children, my life and future and need the concrete evidence of accomplishing something. So, I think my "to do" list today will include such mundane things as mowing the lawn, washing the dog, mopping the floors, picking apples, etc. And then, after those petty tasks are done, I will hopefully have the good sense to relax and enjoy the life I have - including my two favorite people - Ben and Elizabeth.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Just Another Day
I realized today I haven't "blogged" in a few days. I don't know of many who are following my writings but as I said in the beginning, this opportunity to spill guts is really, selfishly, primarily for me.
As I start out here, I'm not so sure I even have something significant to share. I'm bugged - literally! We have these pesky little flying things that can be relentless! They get right in your face and are terribly annoying. They can really ruin any time spent outside. And should they get in your house, it just seems doubly annoying!
The kids have also been rather pesky! Benjamin has been battling a most disrespectful, unpleasant attitude and Elizabeth is at that lovely age when she is either talking non-stop or every comment is argumentative. Very exhausting. And absurd how often I find myself getting sucked in!
Upon the advice of those who've "been there," I'm trying to tackle the divorce paperwork like a business transaction, setting the emotions aside and simply dealing with the facts. After last week's stress of meeting my husband's ultimatum to move the remainder of my belongings from his home and garage or suffer the consequences of his "friends" taking my things to the dump, this week I've been working on getting sound advice and gathering data to complete my set of documents. Today I requested a quote for insurance - both auto and medical; just the sort of stuff that I really do not enjoy investigating! It isn't fun, but it is necessary. Such is life. As my friends lovingly remind me, who knows what great treasures God has in store as I persevere through this trial?!
The kids are in bed and ahhh! I might have a little bit of quiet time before bed. Blackberry cobbler and vanilla ice cream - both homemade - to follow shortly. Considering I have Tylenol P.M. in the medicine cabinet, I may even splurge with a sip of vanilla nut-tainted coffee.
As I said, nothing terribly poetic or weighty tonight. By the grace of God, not every day is... poetic or weighty! Until we meet again, good night and God bless.
As I start out here, I'm not so sure I even have something significant to share. I'm bugged - literally! We have these pesky little flying things that can be relentless! They get right in your face and are terribly annoying. They can really ruin any time spent outside. And should they get in your house, it just seems doubly annoying!
The kids have also been rather pesky! Benjamin has been battling a most disrespectful, unpleasant attitude and Elizabeth is at that lovely age when she is either talking non-stop or every comment is argumentative. Very exhausting. And absurd how often I find myself getting sucked in!
Upon the advice of those who've "been there," I'm trying to tackle the divorce paperwork like a business transaction, setting the emotions aside and simply dealing with the facts. After last week's stress of meeting my husband's ultimatum to move the remainder of my belongings from his home and garage or suffer the consequences of his "friends" taking my things to the dump, this week I've been working on getting sound advice and gathering data to complete my set of documents. Today I requested a quote for insurance - both auto and medical; just the sort of stuff that I really do not enjoy investigating! It isn't fun, but it is necessary. Such is life. As my friends lovingly remind me, who knows what great treasures God has in store as I persevere through this trial?!
The kids are in bed and ahhh! I might have a little bit of quiet time before bed. Blackberry cobbler and vanilla ice cream - both homemade - to follow shortly. Considering I have Tylenol P.M. in the medicine cabinet, I may even splurge with a sip of vanilla nut-tainted coffee.
As I said, nothing terribly poetic or weighty tonight. By the grace of God, not every day is... poetic or weighty! Until we meet again, good night and God bless.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Blessed in Misery
Our little community has recently gone through some spiritual upheaval... seems to be a common curse. Be warned! The enemy is hard at work to weaken the hearts and minds of those who claim to follow Christ. Being a follower is not easy; the world is a destitute place, filled with deceit, anger, malice, and betrayal. The enemy is clever and conniving, using God's word in a twisted and perverted manner to advance his own evil schemes - anything to distort truth and place a wedge between the saved and their beloved Savior.
Remember! This blog is my outlet to voice my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc. You do not have to agree, or even read them. You may not like what I am about to post.
I believe the church is soft - soft to the truth of God's convicting scripture. A 16-year-old believer myself, I still consider myself a child when it comes to knowing all of who and what God is. And yet, even I can see the desire of believers to live by a biblical buffet, choosing only those precepts that are comfortable and non-confrontational. God did not send His precious Son to earth to coddle us, but rather to open our eyes to the convicting reality of truth. There is only one way to salvation, and that is through faith and acceptance of our Lord Jesus Christ. If He is not your lord, just remember, you can run but you will not be able to hide on the day of judgment.
A year ago, Big Creek lost their pastor to cancer. Pastor John had been here for some 30+ years and many were accustomed to his teaching, which, although straight from the Bible, in my opinion, kept to the surface, rarely digging into the crevices where we tend to hide our unpleasantries. We all have them, you know, we just don't like to talk about them, expose them, deal with them. It wasn't that Pastor John didn't preach the truth - he did - he just didn't go very deep.
Then, this Spring... ah! the representational season of new life! our little community church welcomed with open arms a new pastor, Joe. Open arms, that is, until he preached a message that was like a splash of icy cold water in the face! This was not a message to be taken lightly and he made no apologies. From his first message, I believed with all my heart and mind this is a man I could learn from. Thank you, Pastor Joe! Sadly, however, like the forceful admonishment from Jack Nicholson's character in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" and Pastor Joe has resigned and his family is on the verge of leaving our community.
The book of James tells us "whenever you face trials of many kinds" (emphasis mine)... do you get that? Not if, but whenever. Trials are inevitable. I consider the loss of Pastor Joe a trial. I consider the loss of my husband and marriage a trial. But truth remains and the truth of God's word is something I can count on. For eternity. Truth, even truth that hurts, can be a challenge to grow beyond sedentary thinking, to mature and glorify God. That is, after all, our purpose. Not to pursue success by the world's standards but to aspire to the perfection of Christ, to be attained only on the day of redemption.
I am seeing my relationship with my Savior in a whole new way. I am understanding what it means for Him to be the lover of my soul. I am understanding His sufficiency, His provision, His instruction. I have much to be thankful for, despite my circumstances. This morning, I listened to a past sermon by John MacArthur titled "Happiness Is...", based on Matthew 5:1-2. Very briefly, this is what I gleaned from MacArthur's message:
Makarios: the basic NT meaning of "blessed" is an inner peace... bliss... happiness... an inward joy that is not produced by circumstance nor is it affected by circumstance.... a state of well-being in which God desires His children to live... all the way down, connected to happiness, is misery...misery is the key to happiness....
What this tells me is that happiness is not based on my circumstances and it is the downtrodden mentioned in the Beatitudes who are most likely to be happy! So, today I will rejoice in my miserable circumstance and praise my sovereign God who is still on the throne. Praise the God who saves!
Remember! This blog is my outlet to voice my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc. You do not have to agree, or even read them. You may not like what I am about to post.
I believe the church is soft - soft to the truth of God's convicting scripture. A 16-year-old believer myself, I still consider myself a child when it comes to knowing all of who and what God is. And yet, even I can see the desire of believers to live by a biblical buffet, choosing only those precepts that are comfortable and non-confrontational. God did not send His precious Son to earth to coddle us, but rather to open our eyes to the convicting reality of truth. There is only one way to salvation, and that is through faith and acceptance of our Lord Jesus Christ. If He is not your lord, just remember, you can run but you will not be able to hide on the day of judgment.
A year ago, Big Creek lost their pastor to cancer. Pastor John had been here for some 30+ years and many were accustomed to his teaching, which, although straight from the Bible, in my opinion, kept to the surface, rarely digging into the crevices where we tend to hide our unpleasantries. We all have them, you know, we just don't like to talk about them, expose them, deal with them. It wasn't that Pastor John didn't preach the truth - he did - he just didn't go very deep.
Then, this Spring... ah! the representational season of new life! our little community church welcomed with open arms a new pastor, Joe. Open arms, that is, until he preached a message that was like a splash of icy cold water in the face! This was not a message to be taken lightly and he made no apologies. From his first message, I believed with all my heart and mind this is a man I could learn from. Thank you, Pastor Joe! Sadly, however, like the forceful admonishment from Jack Nicholson's character in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" and Pastor Joe has resigned and his family is on the verge of leaving our community.
The book of James tells us "whenever you face trials of many kinds" (emphasis mine)... do you get that? Not if, but whenever. Trials are inevitable. I consider the loss of Pastor Joe a trial. I consider the loss of my husband and marriage a trial. But truth remains and the truth of God's word is something I can count on. For eternity. Truth, even truth that hurts, can be a challenge to grow beyond sedentary thinking, to mature and glorify God. That is, after all, our purpose. Not to pursue success by the world's standards but to aspire to the perfection of Christ, to be attained only on the day of redemption.
I am seeing my relationship with my Savior in a whole new way. I am understanding what it means for Him to be the lover of my soul. I am understanding His sufficiency, His provision, His instruction. I have much to be thankful for, despite my circumstances. This morning, I listened to a past sermon by John MacArthur titled "Happiness Is...", based on Matthew 5:1-2. Very briefly, this is what I gleaned from MacArthur's message:
Makarios: the basic NT meaning of "blessed" is an inner peace... bliss... happiness... an inward joy that is not produced by circumstance nor is it affected by circumstance.... a state of well-being in which God desires His children to live... all the way down, connected to happiness, is misery...misery is the key to happiness....
What this tells me is that happiness is not based on my circumstances and it is the downtrodden mentioned in the Beatitudes who are most likely to be happy! So, today I will rejoice in my miserable circumstance and praise my sovereign God who is still on the throne. Praise the God who saves!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
You've Been Served... and I Don't Mean Dinner!
If you've ever wondered what it felt like to be served divorce papers, I'm here to tell you - it's like a humiliating slap in the face. In essence, someone who once said they loved you is now saying they do not. They do not want you in their life. They do not want anything to do with you. They want to be rid of you - take your things and go!
Words like 'dissolution,' the classic 'irreconcilable differences,' 'petitioner/respondent,' 'restraining order,' 'cooperate or else...' Power plays and intimidation. Labels and titles. Dates and demands.
And when you live in a tiny community like Big Creek, it's even more humiliating as neighbors have seen me carrying countless boxes and belongings from what used to be my home. I wish I could move my things in the dark of night so no one can see. I know there is talk, speculation, and questions. I just want this ugliness to be done.
Words like 'dissolution,' the classic 'irreconcilable differences,' 'petitioner/respondent,' 'restraining order,' 'cooperate or else...' Power plays and intimidation. Labels and titles. Dates and demands.
And when you live in a tiny community like Big Creek, it's even more humiliating as neighbors have seen me carrying countless boxes and belongings from what used to be my home. I wish I could move my things in the dark of night so no one can see. I know there is talk, speculation, and questions. I just want this ugliness to be done.
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