Hope Continually... and Praise Him

Harrumph.  What a very interesting day.  You know, you just cannot anticipate how a day may unfold when you're laying in bed enjoying the comfy, cozy warmth of flannel sheets, Grandma's quilts, and the invigorating chilliness of a basement bedroom!

The day started off peaceful enough.  Overnight temperatures had dipped into the high teens, which meant the living room was sub-50.  Brisk, to say the least.  My freshly brewed coffee, however, did a decent job of warming me up - God bless whoever put brew timers on coffee makers!  I love climbing my stairs to the aroma of fresh coffee and knowing it's ready and waiting for me to pour a cup!  I was able to enjoy an entire cup before my little man quietly made his way into the living room, with his ever-present "ducky" blanket draped over his head. 

Once Benjamin and Elizabeth awaken and make their appearance, peace and quiet quickly dissipates but both were in good moods, thankfully.  After early morning antics and mid-morning baths, they left late morning to spend the weekend with their dad.  After a few deep breaths, I decided to take Charley for a little walk to the post office; after all, who knew what surprises may be hiding in my box?!

You know, I'd been wondering the status of the d-word.  Over two months ago, my lifelong friend and paralegal had sent my husband my papers with a request for a settlement proposal.  I just love how I'm given these ridiculously short deadlines and he can take as much time as is convenient for him.  At least, that is how it appears.  Anyway... after opening my mail box, I no longer had to wonder.  For there, just waiting for me, was an envelope with his paralegal's return address in the upper left corner.  Oh, yippee.

Why I chose to do this, I don't know, but I promptly opened the envelope and began reading.  My "comments" were a series of huh, hm, ^ ^ (raised eyebrows) followed by a longer hmmm, phht  - all much to the entertainment and wonderment of our postal employee!  I quickly decided I needed to do this in the privacy of my home rather than the lobby of the post office.   Getting news like this is never pleasant, but to end the year on this note?  Lovely.

As my sister remarked, "Well, crap."  Admittedly, receipt of this document definitely put a damper on my day.  I think, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I was holding out hope he was holding out for reconciliation.  Yeah, got that one wrong.

After the numb disappointment settled in, I was graciously uplifted by much better news.  A friend, someone I really don't know well but who has found a niche in my heart, was battling depression recently.  I don't know any details, except it was clear it was much more complicated than simply having the blues.  I have an inkling of how debilitating depression can be because I also struggle with it at times, but hers was serious enough she had to be apart from her family and in a facility for care.  The good news I discovered was that she is now home and doing much better.  Praise the Lord for answered prayer!  This thrilled me!  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  God is good, all the time!

So, in the aftermath of receiving the not-so-good news followed by the oh-so-good news, I was emotionally depleted.  This, I think, on the heels of the busy Christmas season has left me simply weary.  My plans for seeing in the New Year are quiet ones; reading, movies, warm fires, and a hopefully-restful nap or two.  I don't make resolutions but I always have new hopes for the coming year.  And so, I end with this, which is really a good beginning for any new day or year:

But as for me, I will hope continually,

And will praise You yet more and more.  

Psalm 71:14 NAS

A New Christmas

Just about time to rest my weary head but I wanted to jot down a few thoughts before the evening ends.

I spent so many Christmases alone between Marriage One and Marriage Two.  Those years were some of the loneliest holidays.  After nearly 30 years of knowing what my Christmas would be like, I spent the next decade feeling like the 5th wheel, never knowing where I'd be, whether I'd be fortunate to spend the time with family or friends, or be home alone.  My last Christmas with my first husband was spent separate from each other; after we'd agreed to stay local (Visalia at the time), he chose to go to his parents house - without me.  Two years later, after he'd divorced me, my mom passed away right before Thanksgiving.  She'd been the glue that drew us together at the holidays and after her passing, there simply was no continuity.  For many years, I found myself not only dreading the holidays, but disliking them.  They seemed very joy-less. 

This year has brought many more changes.  Benjamin & Elizabeth went to their dad's last night for their Christmas.  I'm the first to agree how busy and behind you can get at this time of year, but I'll admit, I was surprised and disappointed when, after hearing he had the whole day off from work, he wasn't more eager to pick up the kids.  He mentioned he had to go down the hill for groceries; so? take the kids with you!  Don't misread this:  I know he loves his kids a lot but I can't imagine what it must be like to see them so seldom.

I had to go through Edison Camp in Big Creek this evening, where the kids' dad lives and can you guess what I saw?  His truck... not at his house.  He has told me to concentrate on my life because that is what he intends to do - focus on his own - so clearly, I have no business wondering or speculating where he may be tonight.  But I do... 

Recently, someone asked me if it weren't easier without him, less stressful, less frustrating.  Yes, sure, sometimes that is true.  Last night I had a dream he told me he loved me.  I don't even know what to think about that or how it makes me feel.  Some things are simply a mystery and I don't have the answers.

So, anticipating our first Christmas together as a threesome, I will start some new traditions.  Traditions my children and I can look forward to and count on when life at the holidays can be rather chaotic.  This first year will be a learning experience and will no doubt take some refining over time, but in one way or another, they'll take shape and substance. 

For one, I want to give meaning to Christmas by celebrating the day as Jesus's birthday and to do that, Red Velvet cake will be served.  The red cake is for His blood, spilled so I could live and the white frosting signifies being washed white as snow of my sins.  As Jesus received three gifts at his birth, my children will also receive three "categories" of gifts:  clothing, learning, and toys.  This idea is borrowed from my friend, Kim, and I think it is one that helps diminish the focus on how many presents are under the tree, as well as connect in another way with our Savior.

My sister and her family will be joining us here in Big Creek tomorrow afternoon.  We'll share laughter, food, gifts, and our time enjoying each other's company.  I'm looking forward to hosting our gathering; after all, not many folks are willing to make the trek up the mountain!  It will be different - a new Christmas - but I am hoping it will be good.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!

HOPE

3:07 a.m. and I can't sleep.  And, I can't figure out why.  Sleep doesn't usually evade me like this; I feel nearly wide awake.  So, since my mind was running like a caged rat in its silly wheel, here I am.

Being separated, I removed my wedding rings a while back.  I didn't want to but, honestly, my husband has made it pretty clear he has no heart for reconciliation at this time.  I know I'm still married (legally), and at this time, I have absolutely no interest in another relationship, let alone another marriage.  That, in itself, is foreign to me; after my first marriage ended, I couldn't wait to be married again.  I liked being married, I wanted a family, and was anxious for both those life events to occur.  I was determined to be remarried with 2 years!  I was completely distraught when I learned the average was 5 years!  God, however, had a different timeline in mind; a span of 10+ years would pass before I remarried.  Guess He got the final say on that one!

Right now, marriage is about the furthest thing from my mind.  Yes, I am a woman with needs and at times catch myself pondering the possibility of meeting someone who will be "that man,"  someone who will truly be a best friend, be willing to talk with me, share ideas and responsibilities with me, someone who would be a spiritual leader, and remain committed to me - regardless. 

Yet the practical side of me recognizes several key elements:  1) I'm closer to 50 than any other decade; 2) I have two very young children still to raise; 3) I live in a small, remote mountain community with an even smaller population of Christian men; 4) I've already tallied two failed marriages, and 5) I'm the common denominator.  Any guy would have to be off his rocker to even consider me!

And therefore, I'm back to learning to be content with my Forever Love.  He IS all those things I long for - and so much more.  In the absence of wearing my wedding rings that tie me to a man who wishes to be untied instead of united, I bought for myself a narrow, silver band with a single word engraved in it:  HOPE.  No, it doesn't necessarily stand for any "hope" of someday being replaced with another ring.  It doesn't necessarily represent any "hope" of reconciliation with my husband.  I do know God is big enough to bring about either of those things, if it is in His plan for my life and His kingdom (and if those involved were to cooperate).  What this ring means to me is simply what it says, HOPE:  Hope for the day, hope for the future, hope for my children, for provision, warmth in the cold, winter days, hope of new life in the Spring, hope to continue growing in my knowledge of and relationship with my Love, that I will bring honor to Him, that I will serve Him and His community well in the days allotted for me in this place.

So, now, when my thumb seeks the presence of something on the fourth finger of my left hand, it finds HOPE.  And I'm content with that.

Not What I Expected

Many days have passed since I last penned any thoughts.  Since I only have 2 confessed followers and I, myself, have confessed this blog is for my own selfishly cathartic purposes, I guess I figure I'm really only disappointing three people.  Not that the other 2 aren't important (I value them both) but, well, I mean, really... it's not like there is some huge following hanging on my every word.

How many people have a good, solid idea what their future will look like?  Of those people, how many realize the future they've dreamt of, planned for, expected?  You know, a lot of people fantasize about what they want to be when the grow up.  Some just fantasize about growing up!  Then, there are those who never do (grow up, that is!).  

I don't ever recall having a specific goal in mind regarding my future.  I expected I would always work; it's what both my parents did.  I expected I would marry and have a family; again, it's what both my parents did.  Some opportunities are complete unknowns until that particular door opens for you.  Others, like marriage and family, have certain normal expectations and when they aren't fulfilled, life can really throw you a curve ball.

Maybe it's the holidays... they are supposed to be happy times, times of celebration, being with the ones you love, laughter, joy, etc.  But often, the holidays are difficult, emotional, and they generate memories of loved ones lost, treasured hopes dashed, and the reminder life simply isn't what you expected. 

Oh, please, don't misunderstand.  I am deeply thankful for all God has blessed me with -- a lovely home, an incredible place to live, two beautiful children, health, welfare, and an abundance of dear friends.  I have ample food on my table, reliable transportation, a sense of humor (some may debate that!), common sense, and countless valuable life skills that get me through day to day.  I have a Savior, my Forever Love, and am looking forward to spending eternity with Him. 

Not to diminish the greatness of all that and more, it's just... I didn't think I'd be facing another divorce.  I didn't want to be a single parent.  I didn't think I'd be anticipating holidays alone again, being the odd-man-out in gatherings, or shouldering major decisions for three.  I was tired 7 years ago, when I said "I do."  I both needed and wanted a partner.  You would think I would have taken better care... but I made my bed and now I'm lying in it.  Alone, by the way.  Now I am 7 years older and 7 times more tired, trying to keep my head above the constant flow of demands from two little ones every 11 days out of 14.  Talk about life not turning out how you expected...

Regret is an appalling waste of energy.  I am both encouraged and challenged by those words, to step out of my pit of regret, buck up and get on with it.  I've been told I'm a practical person.  It's true.  I can be rather blunt and seemingly uncaring, but it has become my defense for dealing with rejection, abandonment, disappointment, and failure.  I do feel, I do care, I do hurt, cry, and mourn like everyone else.  Regret, however, is not worth the time spent on it.  It gets you nowhere.  It serves no purpose, except the purpose of the enemy, who strives at every opportunity to distance a believer from the One they believe in, the One who gives hope to the hopeless.  And so, with that, despite being tired and worn out, I will recall my life verse and share my hope with you...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans for hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)  Amen.

A Good Day

Today was a good day.  Any day that can start off with some Bible study (still working in the Book of Daniel - awesome!) and a hike with my canine companion, Charley Boy, is a good day!  There are certainly other things that constitute a good day; that is just one of them.

The air was cool this morning as we set out and by the time we got up to Scott's Lake, the breeze was downright chilly.  It felt good, though, and so refreshing.   That's about the only way I like the wind - just enough to whisk away heat from exertion and brush my face with a brisk whisper. 

Charley was in paradise as he followed an array of aromas in typical zig-zag dog fashion!  Deer tracks were evident and I keep hoping we'll get a glimpse of one some day on one of our outings.  After flushing out a startled squirrel, Charley was tempted to scurry down the hillside after it but, thankfully (and probably reluctantly for him), he listened to me and stayed put.  You can be certain, however, he picked up the scent on the trot back and was ready to give it another go!  Of course, if he reacted that excitedly over a squirrel, who knows what he'd do with a deer!

After a nice, lengthy chat with a friend, Charley and I headed home.  Another weekend of no pressing plans, there is the perpetual "to do" list posted on the fridge.  First on the list was to split kindling.  Despite buying firestarters to expedite the chore of lighting fires in the woodstove, I like to have kindling on hand as a back-up.  Plus, I don't know what it is about that task but I just get a kick out of it!  Silly, I know. 

Watching "Princess Bride" while ironing followed splitting the kindling and hauling wood into the house.  Halfway through, I got a call from our post office - UPS had delivered a package for me.  You see, that's one of the great things about living in a community the size of Big Creek; the gal at the post office is also a friend and can let me know when a package arrives! 

After a quick shower and some simple sprucing, I retrieved my package (early Christmas gifts I'd ordered for the kids) and then stopped by the school gym where folks were setting up for the school's annual Fall Carnival.  I pitched in by setting up chairs for the enchilada dinner, hanging streamers for the cake walk, coding Tootsie Pops for another booth, cutting curling ribbon for balloons, and making big bows for something else.   When there was nothing more to be done, several of us ladies made our way to the General Store for our version of T.G.I.F. - nachos and adult beverages, telling stories, laughing at ourselves and each other.   It felt good to spend time with others, relaxing and just feeling alive.

I can be so tense and uptight trying to handle the challenges of any given day.  I know I take life too seriously too often.  But today was different.  I got outside for some fresh air.  Charley and I took a brisk walk in the cool morning.  I was productive at home and I volunteered my time for the benefit of others.  I ate, drank, and was merry.  Today was good.  Scripture says "every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17).  Today was a good thing bestowed on me.  God is good.  All the time.

Furlough is Over - Back to Work

At my last session with the counselor, I promised him and myself I would continue to work on my issues at hand.  It has occurred to me lately that I have not.  As it goes, life tends to get in the way and interrupt good intentions.  I have realized I have once again been focusing on my husband - the fact he left, the fact he filed for divorce, the fact I don't his whereabouts, his comings and goings, his work, his life, or anything else.  It is a struggle for me and I'm not sure why.  Why can't I let go?  Why can't I let go of the things I have no control over?  Why do I need that control?

The past few days have been very reflective for me.  I have been brought to my senses by two individuals:  Daniel and Whitney.  As our morning Bible study group has been g(r)o(w)ing through a Beth Moore study of Daniel, (my first read of the book) I am being challenged to examine my life; am I living a life of integrity?  Is the private person the same as the public person?  I confess:  Not for me.  I think people have a difficult time understanding why my husband left me.  It is because very few people, if any, will ever see the side of me he lived with.  Integrity?  I think not.  I could be a very different individual than the public me.

Oh, I guess that could be said for a lot of folk.  Don't many of us "put on a face" in public?  Sure - but to the extent I did?  I felt like a Jekyll & Hyde at times; I was fearful of myself and what I could possibly do.  There were moments I was completely aware of the spiritual battle within; and I felt helpless, truly helpless to rise above it.  The enemy knew my weaknesses, preyed upon them and worked his evil schemes to destroy the marriage God had built.  One of the questions in the study guide asked if you've ever been used by the enemy.  I have and it is a most horrific knowing.  It makes me feel weak and powerless - just where the enemy wants me.

The second person, Whitney, is a distant relative-by-marriage.  This is my third attempt to put into words why or how is she touching me.  I simply cannot adequately relate the effect she is having on me.  Suffice it to say, she is battling so much more than I am and yet continues to praise God with every precious breath.   I am a worm complaining about petty inconveniences when this fragile young lady is simply hoping for the day she can stop taking meds and live a "normal" life.  And yet, shamefully, it is her pain and praise that inspires me to move beyond the situation I find myself in, because what I'm dealing with is nothing - NOTHING - in comparison to the challenges God is walking her through.  So, Whitney, I pray you know in your heart and mind you are found faithful to those of us who know you even a little.

I have so much work yet to do.  I feel like I've been on furlough; no work, no pay, no reward.  It's time to resume progress, focus on the person I have the power to change (me), and thank God - really thank Him - I still have time to do it, to make things better than they were. 

By the way, tomorrow I should be celebrating my 7 year wedding anniversary.  Instead, I will celebrate all the Lord has granted and provided me.  There is much; it will be a busy, blessed day.

From Pointless to Purpose

I know I've written once before about the trouble of bridling the tongue.  The book of James speaks of it, no pun intended, rather bluntly.  Sort of how I can speak - rather bluntly.  My husband left me due to my disrespectful tongue.  Oh!  If he had any idea how much I haven't said!  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, honestly, because I certainly don't have it nailed down.  All I'm saying is, it is a struggle and it must be a struggle for many or God would not have thought it pertinent enough to include in His Good Book.  I find it difficult to believe money is the primary source of conflict in marriages; I'm convinced it's poor communication.

I have realized I really want to "win" in lots of petty matters. D-U-M-B. What does that gain me? A big, fat nothing. Well, nothing except heartache. I have a really hard time letting go when someone doesn't see my point; I want to keep pressing buttons until it finally clicks. I want the other person to see it my way, or at least see my perspective, where I'm coming from. It's incredibly frustrating when something that seems so simple to me appears to completely escape someone else. Argh. Some people just don't get it! It's like beating my head against a wall. Okay, well, put that way, I can clearly see the absurdity of my ways. If it is pointless to persevere in such a exasperating endeavor, why do it? I have been known to beat the proverbial dead horse. Poor thing. I gotta learn to let it go and get on with living. Then, maybe the rocks in my neck and shoulders will go away.


So, onto life in Big Creek.  Some months ago I bought supplies - some 1x2x8 lengths of wood and some tarps - to make a covering for my stack of firewood.  Since rain is forecasted almost all week and I had to contend with trying to burn wet wood last storm, I thought I better get my tarps up. 

I'm no engineer but I am pretty pleased with what I came up with.  I used my staple gun to attach the tarps to the lumber.  Then I used eye screws in the underside of the eaves and put cup hooks, the kind that are sort of like a snap hook, on the top edge of the lumber.  I thought the snap would help keep them on if it were windy, and it also makes it super quick and easy to remove them from the eaves.  It took about 5 minutes to staple the tarps to the wood strips and about 15 minutes, tops, to install the eyescrews and cup hooks.  Done.  Even got some firewood brought into the house in preparation for colder temperatures.  There is such a great sense of accomplishment when you can cross something off the 'to do' list.  Somehow, it just gives me a sense of purpose.

A Lesson in Humility

I think one of life's hardest lessons has got to be that of humility.  And I think humility is most necessary when one is at the peak of indignant pride.  Sharing my pain of wounded pride is not an easy thing to do and so I pray by putting myself "out there," someone might be able to learn from my humbling experience.

This past weekend I was doing some volunteer work at a children's consignment sales event.  The work afforded me the opportunity to browse for items - clothing, toys, shoes, etc. - for my children, Benjamin and Elizabeth.  I've been a part of this biannual event for about 4 years now, either shopping, consigning, volunteering, or all three.  Through the years, I've chosen only to shop the final day of the sale, because a great percentage of the items are 50% off already low prices.  It's a heckuva deal, there is no dispute. 

Let me set the stage, because it is key to illustrating where my pride crept in. 

Not only do I elect to shop the 50% day, I also volunteer to work this day.  I volunteer for an 11 hour day, which includes the organization and disassembly of everything after the sale is closed to the public.  It's a crazy lot of work but I do it because a) I enjoy hard work and b) I figure most people don't like cleaning up so this is one of the tasks where most volunteers are needed.  On this day, I did not take any break, ate no lunch or snack, never took a potty break - but after asking the "owner" if it was okay, I did take many opportunities to browse for items as I was straightening clothes on the racks.  These treasures were placed in the back room on hold until I had time to weed through them and pick the keepers and return unwanted items to the racks. 

Well, the day overall was quite busy.  By the end of the day, I had an embarrassingly HUGE pile of clothing items.  At one point, as I went to the back room to add more items to the pile, some volunteers were sitting down for a break and I could tell they were somewhat astounded at the size of the pile I'd accumulated.  With a nervous chuckle, I commented I would be weeding through them... but before I knew it, the sale ended, that time to sort my finds never came and the chaos of breakdown had begun. 

Although there is a system for breakdown, the whole process is really rather bizarre.  It had been a year since I'd been involved and although my memory can be pretty lousy, this time it seemed less organized.  I was torn between thinking I really needed to assist and feeling I really needed to sort through the gigantic stack of clothes in back.  Plus, all the remaining merchandise on the floor was sorted and certain items were being pulled; what if I had some of those things in my pile?  At one point I decided I better get to the back and start sorting. 

Well, oh, my goodness - even I was overwhelmed at all I'd set aside.  It was absurd.  Ridiculous.  I'd offered to purchase additional items for the kids to keep at their dad's house so I was essentially buying for two households but, really, how much did I need?  I was part way through the stack when another volunteer who shall remain nameless, partly because she never introduced herself, approached and basically confronted me for what I was doing.  She explained that although it was okay to set some things aside, by hoarding them back there other shoppers couldn't purchase them and consigners couldn't sell them.  She assured me I wouldn't be "forced" to buy everything I had held back but... 

To say I was mortified is an understatement.  I knew full-well what she was telling me was only right and fair, and yet I felt my defenses rising.  I shifted my weight and cocked my head as if to say, "enough already - I got the point."  My mind was spinning at the confrontration.  A voice inside my head was like the Apostle Paul, tallying up my qualifications to justify in my behavior.  Ah, here comes the pride.  Thankfully, by God's grace alone, I realized this prideful change in my attitude and put a stop to it immediately.  Had I, at that moment, tried to put a period before the end of her sentence, I would have made an even bigger fool of myself. 

After the encounter, I finished my sorting and shamefully returned the unwanted items to the racks, feeling eyes of other volunteers upon me.  My head bowed and my steps quick, I wanted nothing more than to disappear.  I even contemplated leaving... and not coming back.  Practically speaking, that was not an option.  And besides, I had a lesson to endure.

When all was said and done, I survived.  I apologized profusely through my tears to the person who had informed my of my wrongdoing.  She extended kindness through a hug.  The work was accomplished.  My kids have "new" clothes for the winter. 

I gratefully escaped the event as soon as I could.  I felt like a criminal escaping the scene of a crime.  I felt awful, really awful.  It was a very humiliating experience.  Some people could blow it off and hang on to their "rights" feeling perfectly at peace with the misappropriation of privilege.  I knew better.  My intentions were not to cheat anyone, and yet I knew I had. 

This happened to me once before when I was much younger.  I innocently, and yet clearly, violated a rule and was terminated from a job - on the spot.  I have never gotten over that.  To this day, I have issues with insecurity.  The difference now is that I have a relationship with a God who is forgiving and understanding.  He disciplines those He loves.  I have been disciplined.  I know I am still loved.  Praise be to God!  He loves me still and in spite of myself. 

Morning Hike

From my dining room window, I can see vivid blue sky as well as encroaching clouds.  Thunderstorms are still in the forecast.  This morning, however, it was deliciously cool and dry, which made for perfect conditions for another walk to Scott's Lake with Charley. 

Charley led us along the path.  He'd trot ahead, stop, look back at me as if to say, "Are you coming?" then would venture on his way.  It was breezier today than yesterday, but a great and beautiful walk, just the same.  I was glad to have taken my camera this morning.  I hope you enjoy some of the beauty around Big Creek.

Washed Clean

All weekend and into next week, there are thunderstorms in the forecast.  At least we sometimes get a "heads up" they're coming; personal thunderstorms don't always come with any advance warning.  No chance to prepare for the torrent or to cover your head from the onslaught of attack. 

I had warning - I'd read the weather forecast.  So how did I prepare?  The winds predicted were slight and though I knew they'd have an adverse effect, I chose to expend some energy raking my yard to clean it up!  It looked so neat and tidy... for about an hour!    No matter, I knew it would happen.  I knew my efforts would be undone but I so enjoy the physicality of working in the yard that it wasn't a deterrent.  Not unlike washing your car in the rain or with forthcoming rain.  Oh, come on!  Don't tell me you've never done that!  It's classic - I've either washed my car in the rain or washed it knowing the rain is coming!  My thought is that at least it will rain on a clean car.  At least there are fewer leaves and acorns littering the yards.

You could smell the rain coming yesterday.  I love that smell, a sort of musty anticipation of a good earth cleansing on its way.  Even better was the smell after the rain.  Ah, freshness.  Clean, clean, clean.  It's crisp and has that "just washed" fragrance - like a dirty slate being wiped clean.  It's a good feeling, a welcome feeling to know God sends His rains at the appointed time to wash the slate clean.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." (Lamentations 3:21-24)

Practicing Contentment

Do I have the right to be happy?  To be truly content in my circumstances?  No, really, I am completely serious.  After all, I am deemed responsible for the division of my family.  Okay, granted, one person that I am aware of considers it 'my fault' but still... how is it that I am supposed to come away from this scenario HAPPY?  Where is 'happy' supposed to fit into my life now? 

I've grappled with this.  I hurt someone.  I hurt him deeply enough he decided he'd rather live without me (and his children).  I guess the sacrificial "staying together for the sake of the children" is no longer the "in" thing to do.  But that's a post for another day.  Okay, so daily I get to live with the fact I behaved in such a way my husband threw in the towel, determined I was incapable of any permanent change, left me, and has filed for divorce.  Whether or not I'm wholly to blame (last I heard, it still takes two to tango, right?), I know I have to pick up my pieces and as my soon-to-be ex-husband so eloquently stated, "focus on my life as he will do the same."  Yes, well, that is easier said than done.

How do I move forward without appearing either like some blase b**** who doesn't give a damn her marriage and family appears irreparably damaged or like some pathetic martyr determined to live the rest of her days in self-prescribed humility and shame... and joylessness?  How do I healthfully embrace the future without disregarding the past?  How do I healthfully regard the past so that I can embrace the future? How do I live happily ever after, relatively speaking?

I cannot and should not pretend what took place didn't.  I cannot erase what I did; there is no Rewind button I can press.  I have caught myself trying to make light of the situation as if to say, "Hey, I'm handling this, I'm really okay" but even to my own ears, I sound flip and disrespectful.  It is not my intention and yet, I recall some Michael W. Smith lyrics that go something like "...the road to good intentions doesn't lead to anywhere."  I believe I must convey a certain honest humility in the most positive manner possible.  I may not have an opportunity to properly communicate that in each and every encounter, but when I can, I should.

Prior to the separation, I shamefully confess thoughts of "singledom" held some appeal to me.  I say 'shameful' because prior to marriage, I practically begged God to bring me a husband.  I SO wanted to be married!  So why, once married, did I think the grass had been greener on the single side of the fence?  Don't we often want what we don't have?  Well, I got what I thought I wanted.  Now all I can do is make the best of it.  Whether married or not, there would be days of sickness and health, riches and poverty, better or worse days, as well as sadness and joy.  Sound familiar?  I cannot expect all my days to be either/or; some days will be a mix and a blend of trials and triumphs.  Perhaps my goal should not be perpetual bliss (not a very realistic goal anyway!), but rather that contentment Paul refers to in Philippians 4:12 (NIV): 


I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I rather doubt Paul was literally jumping for joy each time he suffered persecution.  What truth Paul held close in his heart, however - the same comfort that can bring even this sinner contentment - is knowing my God has forgiven me, He loves me, and He does believe I am capable of change.  I may not be blissfully giddy, but I can be contentedly joy-filled and joyful. 

So, if you happen to see me smiling and laughing, it isn't because I am blithely indifferent to recent events.  It is because I am practicing joy, despite recent events.

Practically Speaking

This morning, as I sat in the front room - an enclosed front porch surrounded by windows - my mind was a flurry of activity.  Like a little ball in a pinball machine, my thoughts jumped erratically from one thing to the next.  There was no continuity, no resolution, no decisions - just mindlessly muddled thoughts.  I was fortunate enough to have the peaceful quiet of Benjamin and Elizabeth sleeping later than normal (I thank the cooler temperatures for that) because now that they are up and about, I not only have cacophony in my head but they are contributing to the confusion in a non-stop flow of NOISE. 

For a while now, I've coasted in the present, not looking back at what was and is no more, or looking ahead to what might or might not be.  The past couple days, however, I have been plagued with both - regretfully reliving the unkindnesses I burdened my husband with that gave him cause to leave me and wondering if I truly can be content in these circumstances and not spend the rest of my days mourning my losses.  Was I really so unloveable?  It both pains and irks me when the kids make ongoing references to their dad; they love him and have every right to do so, but it is like salt in the wound to hear their repetitive stories about what they did with him, how they miss him, asking if they are going to his house, and on and on.  I know it is the enemy trying to make me feel more unloved and unwanted and as much as I do not want his influence on my thoughts, as my resistance weakens due to worn-down defenses, I find myself wallowing in my pit.

I know God has planned for me all the days of my life, and His plan is greater, healthier, better than anything I can come up with.  But, practically speaking - and anyone who knows me well knows I am very practical - I find that hard to live out.  You know, letting God rule.  I'm independent, stubborn, and determined - a challenging combination when I am called as a believer to be a submissive, obedient follower.  

Because I struggle knowing how to put the right behaviors into practice, this morning I have turned once again to practical projects. I pray my efforts in Ben and Elizabeth's lives are healthy and productive, but they are at ages and stages that test me constantly.  I've always been a pretty good test taker but they are putting me through the paces like never before.   I am feeling very weary and out of control regarding my children, my life and future and need the concrete evidence of accomplishing something.  So, I think my "to do" list today will include such mundane things as mowing the lawn, washing the dog, mopping the floors, picking apples, etc.  And then, after those petty tasks are done, I will hopefully have the good sense to relax and enjoy the life I have - including my two favorite people - Ben and Elizabeth.

Just Another Day

I realized today I haven't "blogged" in a few days.  I don't know of many who are following my writings but as I said in the beginning, this opportunity to spill guts is really, selfishly, primarily for me.

As I start out here, I'm not so sure I even have something significant to share.  I'm bugged - literally!  We have these pesky little flying things that can be relentless!  They get right in your face and are terribly annoying.  They can really ruin any time spent outside.  And should they get in your house, it just seems doubly annoying!

The kids have also been rather pesky!  Benjamin has been battling a most disrespectful, unpleasant attitude and Elizabeth is at that lovely age when she is either talking non-stop or every comment is argumentative.  Very exhausting.  And absurd how often I find myself getting sucked in!

Upon the advice of those who've "been there," I'm trying to tackle the divorce paperwork like a business transaction, setting the emotions aside and simply dealing with the facts.  After last week's stress of meeting my husband's ultimatum to move the remainder of my belongings from his home and garage or suffer the consequences of his "friends" taking my things to the dump, this week I've been working on getting sound advice and gathering data to complete my set of documents.  Today I requested a quote for insurance - both auto and medical; just the sort of stuff that I really do not  enjoy investigating!  It isn't fun, but it is necessary.  Such is life.  As my friends lovingly remind me, who knows what great treasures God has in store as I persevere through this trial?!

The kids are in bed and ahhh! I might have a little bit of quiet time before bed.  Blackberry cobbler and vanilla ice cream - both homemade - to follow shortly.  Considering I have Tylenol P.M. in the medicine cabinet, I may even splurge with a sip of vanilla nut-tainted coffee. 

As I said, nothing terribly poetic or weighty tonight.  By the grace of God, not every day is... poetic or weighty!  Until we meet again, good night and God bless.

Blessed in Misery

Our little community has recently gone through some spiritual upheaval... seems to be a common curse.  Be warned!  The enemy is hard at work to weaken the hearts and minds of those who claim to follow Christ.  Being a follower is not easy; the world is a destitute place, filled with deceit, anger, malice, and betrayal.   The enemy is clever and conniving, using God's word in a twisted and perverted manner to advance his own evil schemes - anything to distort truth and place a wedge between the saved and their beloved Savior. 

Remember!  This blog is my outlet to voice my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc.  You do not have to agree, or even read them.  You may not like what I am about to post. 

I believe the church is soft - soft to the truth of God's convicting scripture.  A 16-year-old believer myself, I still consider myself a child when it comes to knowing all of who and what God is.  And yet, even I can see the desire of believers to live by a biblical buffet, choosing only those precepts that are comfortable and non-confrontational.  God did not send His precious Son to earth to coddle us, but rather to open our eyes to the convicting reality of truth.  There is only one way to salvation, and that is through faith and acceptance of our Lord Jesus Christ.  If He is not your lord, just remember, you can run but you will not be able to hide on the day of judgment.

A year ago, Big Creek lost  their pastor to cancer.  Pastor John had been here for some 30+ years and many were accustomed to his teaching, which, although straight from the Bible, in my opinion, kept to the surface, rarely digging into the crevices where we tend to hide our unpleasantries.  We all have them, you know, we just don't like to talk about them, expose them, deal with them.  It wasn't that Pastor John didn't preach the truth - he did - he just didn't go very deep.

Then, this Spring... ah! the representational season of new life! our little community church welcomed with open arms a new pastor, Joe.  Open arms, that is, until he preached a message that was like a splash of icy cold water in the face!   This was not a message to be taken lightly and he made no apologies.   From his first message, I believed with all my heart and mind this is a man I could learn from.  Thank you, Pastor Joe!   Sadly, however, like the forceful admonishment from Jack Nicholson's character in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" and Pastor Joe has resigned and his family is on the verge of leaving our community. 

The book of James tells us "whenever you face trials of many kinds" (emphasis mine)... do you get that?  Not if, but whenever.  Trials are inevitable.  I consider the loss of Pastor Joe a trial.  I consider the loss of my husband and marriage a trial.  But truth remains and the truth of God's word is something I can count on.  For eternity.  Truth, even truth that hurts, can be a challenge to grow beyond sedentary thinking, to mature and glorify God.  That is, after all, our purpose.  Not to pursue success by the world's standards but to aspire to the perfection of Christ, to be attained only on the day of redemption.

I am seeing my relationship with my Savior in a whole new way.  I am understanding what it means for Him to be the lover of my soul.  I am understanding His sufficiency, His provision, His instruction.  I have much to be thankful for, despite my circumstances.  This morning, I listened to a past sermon by John MacArthur titled "Happiness Is...", based on Matthew 5:1-2.  Very briefly, this is what I gleaned from MacArthur's message:

Makarios: the basic NT meaning of "blessed" is an inner peace... bliss... happiness... an inward joy that is not produced by circumstance nor is it affected by circumstance.... a state of well-being in which God desires His children to live... all the way down, connected to happiness, is misery...misery is the key to happiness....

What this tells me is that happiness is not based on my circumstances and it is the downtrodden mentioned in the Beatitudes who are most likely to be happy!  So, today I will rejoice in my miserable circumstance and praise my sovereign God who is still on the throne.   Praise the God who saves!

You've Been Served... and I Don't Mean Dinner!

If you've ever wondered what it felt like to be served divorce papers, I'm here to tell you - it's like a humiliating slap in the face.  In essence, someone who once said they loved you is now saying they do not.  They do not want you in their life.  They do not want anything to do with you.   They want to be rid of you - take your things and go! 

Words like 'dissolution,' the classic 'irreconcilable differences,' 'petitioner/respondent,' 'restraining order,' 'cooperate or else...'  Power plays and intimidation.  Labels and titles.  Dates and demands.

And when you live in a tiny community like Big Creek, it's even more humiliating as neighbors have seen me carrying countless boxes and belongings from what used to be my home.  I wish I could move my things in the dark of night so no one can see.  I know there is talk, speculation, and questions.   I just want this ugliness to be done.

Priceless

I've been looking for a bike for my son, Benjamin.  He has a 2-wheeler (okay, 4-wheeler, if you count the training wheels) at his dad's house but I want him to have one at our house.  I'd posted a sign at our post office; that's how we do it here in Big Creek.  You post a sign for all to see, whether you have something to sell or are in need of something.  I had a few people say they might have one available but nothing had materialized yet.  Next option:  Craigslist.  I've found some good stuff there, and lo! and behold! I found a bike - perfect size and more-than-fair price.  Cool!

Since I found the bike this past week, however, I haven't had any other reason to go to town.  You see, when you live in the mountains and have to travel an hour and a quarter, at best, to  town for errands and shopping, you tend to wait until you can make the trip worthwhile, both from a time and cost perspective.  I'd hoped my sister, who lives in town, might be able to make the bike buy for me; after all, what might take her 30 minutes would take me nearly 3 hours just in drive time.  But her family is usually running several different directions at any given time and she didn't have the opportunity to help me this week.  So, I decided a bike for Ben was worth the trip.

We left the house a little after 10 this morning, heading straight to Target for helmet, training wheels and extra inner tubes.  I scored on all of those and tried to quickly get through the store (namely, the Toy section) without creating an hysterical scene since I had both Benjamin and Elizabeth with me.  Next, we hit Costco for yet more milk (how can they consume so much milk?!) and a few other items (again, gotta make the trip worth it), had Costco polish dogs for lunch, which neither child really ate much of, then went to the O'Keefe's home to buy the new (used) bike.  I should have known I was in trouble when I excitedly showed the bike to Benjamin, and he immediately wailed he didn't want "small tires."  I hurriedly shoved the bike in the back of my Montero, not wanting Mr. O'Keefe to hear my child complain about the bike I'd just bought from him.  I realized shortly thereafter Ben was referring to the training wheels, not the wheels already on the bike.

We drove home - another 1 1/4 hours - and I promptly got to work changing the flat tire.  It's been YEARS since I had to do that and although I consider myself fairly handy, quite frankly, I quickly learned bike repair is not my forte.  I eventually had to enlist the aid of the neighbor teen, Joey, to show me why the chain wouldn't stay on.  Now I know.  

Ben insisted he could ride the bike without the training wheels.  Yeah, right.  After pushing him around (and letting go for a second or two a few times!), he was finally convinced he did indeed need those 2 extra small tires.  I should have timed how long it took to put the training wheels on, because I was using the worst instructions ever.  The diagram was essentially worthless.  Success finally came, only to take it back out to the road and have the chain come off - again.  Argh.  The only good thing about all this is I did get some great pics of my favorite little man on his new bike.  So, after fixing the chain for the umpteenth time and 7 hours after we started this adventure, all he wants to do is play with the Hot Wheels car that came with his helmet...

Now I think I understand why my dad used to call me an ingrate when I was a child.  Children simply do not understand what their parents go through for them.  No, I didn't call Ben an ingrate.  He's worth more than that.

A Glance Back

This past weekend I had the joy of seeing faces I'd not seen in a while.  Unfortunately, it was also a time of bittersweet encounters, as many were unaware of what has been taking place in our family over the past 5 months.  I want to take this opportunity to provide a synoptic glance back to March 13.

It's really rather simple.  Are you familiar with the contentious woman in Proverbs 21:19?  If not, let me share with you:  It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman. 

I was that woman.  I was progressively disrespectful to my husband.  He had enough one night (March 13) and left for the desert.  He never came back.   I was told to find another place to live so the kids and I moved to another home in Big Creek on May 1.  I very much wanted to stay in this community for several reasons:  I have hoped for reconciliation, the kids continue to be near their dad, it's still a wonderful place to raise the kids, and when I return to work, I hope to return to work at SCE.

 We saw a counselor - separately.  I have confessed my sins, both to my husband and God, and asked for forgiveness.  I received it from the latter but not the former.  My husband believes I am responsible for putting our family in this position. 

That, really, is it in a nutshell, at least from my perspective.  I will say this is a most painful growing season and never, EVER what I wanted - for my marriage or my children.   Many people know I have a strong, independent personality.  Through counseling and hindsight, I could see I tried to bully my passive husband to be stronger and take a stand as the leader of our household.  Clearly and undeniably, my tactics were wrong, un-Biblical, and painful attacks on my husband's ego.  Two things grieve me to no end:  one, that I could wound so deeply the man I love and two, the stand he finally has taken is for the dissolution of our marriage.

I believe God is still sovereign and still on the throne.  I believe He is still in the business of miracles.  I believe He has forgiven me.  I believe He is the eternal lover of my soul.  I believe He will continue to provide, care for, guide, love, and protect me and my children.  I'm counting on it. 

A Promise He Will Keep

A quiet Friday morning.  No concrete plans for the day - always options, however.  As I've mentioned before, productivity is my preference to taking a day off so I'm certain I will find some project to invest my time in. 

So far this morning, Charley and I took a stroll up the Beaver Slide.  I have no idea why it's called that; I should investigate.  I'll get back to you on that!   We walked the same road last night, just preceding dusk.  The outline of the barely-lit mountains against the sky was beautiful, affording many photo ops - unfortunately, I hadn't thought to bring my camera.  Although I did tuck it in my back pocket this morning, the lighting was already too bright, dulling the rich colors of the pines and forest foliage.  Tonight, hopefully, we'll go back out and perhaps I'll be able to share some of God's beauty around Big Creek.

Someone posed the following question to me this morning:  Are you happy?  Wow.  That's a toughy.  Certainly, I have much to be grateful for and happy about - I have the 2 most beautiful children in the world, God has met my needs well beyond the basics, I have an abundance of friends, I live in a safe, peaceful community, I have generally good health... well, as you can see, the list goes on!  There are aspects of my current season that are not what I either expected or wanted - those disappointments could cause me unhappiness.  But that is temporal.  I do not yet have a full grasp of what an eternal perspective consists of, but whatever happens here, will stay here.  On the day the Lord calls us home, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4 NIV)  What a sweet promise!  

My Cheek, My Shirt

 As the "natural man" in me surfaces - a sinner from birth - I naturally turn to sarcasm as a defense mechanism.  I've been hurt, betrayed, rejected, and abandoned - probably much like any other individual.  So, I'm not that different than you, or more special.

My sarcasm has, understandably, gotten me into some unpleasant circumstances.  I don't mean to be mean but I have nurtured a habit of letting my hurt come out in hurtful words.  I did it again to my estranged husband the other night... as he was doing me a favor.  Yeah, not good on my part, to say the very least.   He brought over some personal possessions of mine and after realizing something had not been included, I asked about it.  He advised me he would be keeping it.  Hmm.  I thought I wanted it until I realized it really is not worth arguing over.  I have absolutely no desire for it anymore. 

As he has let fly his own angry feelings toward me these past few days, I can't help but wonder how he feels as the venom spills forth from his lips.  This is NOT the man I married!  I have confessed my wrongdoing - the disrespectful, hurtful and ugly words I have spoken to him.  One thing I can say is my dispicable behavior felt dispicable.  I was ashamed, ridden with guilt, appalled at hurting my own husband - yes, I knew I hurt him.  I just did not realize how badly.  I really didn't know. 

In looking for truth, the ugly truth of who I am and why I have allowed the things I've done to be done, I have repeatedly read, heard, and been told - I have to take responsibility; I have to "own my own stuff."  No one made me do anything; I chose my own responses.  It is a disgusting thing to know about yourself and so there is a part of me that wonders if I am being given a dose of what I doled out.  You know, "what goes around, comes around," "turnabout is fair play," "all is fair in love and war."  But even if it is, darn it, I cannot help but think that as I have to be responsible for my words and actions, so does he.  And to date, he has not been willing to do that. 

And so, although I have been a fighter, a fighter who forced a hand I never intended to, the following comes to mind, and I will humbly bow out of the fight.  I can never say "I'm sorry" enough.

Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also ; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either.  Luke 6:29

Lover of My Soul

My daughter just handed me a tissue because I am sad and crying.  More rejection and hardness of heart from my husband.  Do you know how disheartening it is to pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued?  I bet God does.  I cannot possibly be as enduring, as patient, as compassionate, understanding, and loving as He is.  Yet, HE IS - all that and more.  He suffered the ultimate rejection - crucifixion on a cross, hanging between two thieves, put there by His chosen people.  I have no place wallowing in my misery... He died so I might have life.  Life to the fullest (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10 NIV).  And so, despite my circumstances, despite repeated rejection from the man who once said, "...for better or worse...I do", I will... live to the fullest the Lover of my soul will allow.

Sharing the Love

We are all familiar with the perspective of your glass either being 'half full' or 'half empty.'  It tends to color our view of life in general.  I would like to think I am a half full person but in all honesty, I think I lean toward the half empty side.  I regard it more as realism rather than pessimism, although there are certainly times my vision is clouded with a downright gloomy outlook!

Conversely, there are those who appear eternally "peppy."  I intend this in the most positive way - they are vibrant, enthusiastic, spirited and, simply, happy.  For those of us who fall in the less-than-peppy category, they can be a little annoying... like a high school cheerleader on Mountain Dew.  Except when it's genuine; then they are a delight! 

I have known such people and I know one now.  She is a friend and a neighbor, a sister in the Lord.  I don't believe I have ever seen her without a smile on her face; not a fake smile she wears as a mask but a real, sincere, friendly smile.  She can be absolutely silly - you simply have to laugh!  It's refreshing and I am blessed to know her. 

Do you know someone like that?  Are you someone like that?  God bless you!  You make this time on earth a little more tolerable, and your zest for living - living for Jesus - is something to not just admire but emulate.  Know that you spread the love and joy of Jesus merely by being you.  And we thank you.

Sticks and Stones... and James

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  Where on earth did this come from?  What a lie!  Clearly, the originator of that saying was not familiar with the book of James, particularly chapter 3.  Words can cause irreparable  damage.  Ask me... I know.

James tells us in chapter 3:5-10:

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity ; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.  For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race.  But no one can tame the tongue ; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God ;  from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.

James was the first and my favorite book of the Bible I ever read and studied.  Its truth is simple, straightforward teaching.  Unfortunately, I appear to be a slow learner.  I know what that book holds;  I know the clear instructions it sets forth.  And yet, I have been unable to bridle my tongue.  Why is this?  Why do I struggle so to hold my tongue, particularly in times of tense confrontation?  James also instructs "everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." (1:19b-20)  I know it and yet do not do it.  Why? Ah, shall we journey to the book of Romans, chapter 7 (verses 15-24)?

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.  So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

There are many days I feel absolutely wretched and am fully aware of the war waging inside me, as did Paul when he expressed his angst in Romans.  At least I am in good company, although I would never be so bold as to compare myself with a man like Paul.  It does appear, however, we have something in common:  our sin nature remains an issue and a challenge to overcome for all days. 

Oh! how I wish I could retract words spoken in haste... words spoken from feelings of fear, defensiveness, rejection, and hurt.  Words spoken to someone who has no room in his heart for forgiveness or mercy.  This man cannot set me free, but I know someone who can.  His name is Jesus.  I call on Him this day, this hour, this moment... be my Victory, for the battle does indeed belong to the Lord.

Think About Such Things

I woke this morning to the sickening residue of bad dreams - feelings of loss, betrayal, disappointment caused by my estranged husband's actions in these dreams.  I hesitate mentioning 'feelings;' many people don't give them much credence since feelings tend to vacillate so. But God gave them to us; they are real and are real indicators of circumstances we are facing, despite how brief or lasting they may be.

His actions occurred, to the best of my knowledge, solely in the dreams.  Whether there is any truth to their reality, I'm unaware.  Thankfully, as I sat in my front sunroom, looking out at the mountains across the way and nursing my wounded feelings with my first cup of coffee (strong and black, thank you!), my mind was redirected from these unpleasantries to a passage of scripture, Philippians 4:6-8: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

There is comfort in scripture because I can count on its truth.  It does not lie, it does not deceive, it does not confuse, distort or change.  God's word is what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  His word led me to pray - pray for my husband.  Not always an easy assignment, given our separation; however, I know He hears my pleas and He will answer in His way and His time.  Until then, I ask for the peace God offers.

Simplicity

Routine - some people steer clear and others, like me, relish it!  Routine helps me stay on track, much like boundaries.  I enjoy developing a system and refining it.  I confess I am not terribly spontaneous.  I have actually planned spontaneous moments!  Yeah, I don't do spontaneous very well but give me a routine and I can shine!

One routine my kids and I enjoy is a nightly after-dinner walk with our puppy, Charley.  It's good for all of us; it helps Ben and Elizabeth burn off a last bit of energy before bedtime, does the same for Charley and for me?  Well, it simply gets this self-proclaimed hermit out of the house. 

The street we live on is not very long, maybe half a mile.  It's hilly; after all, we do live in the mountains!  (I jokingly say the only flat spot is from the kitchen to the bathroom!)  At the end of our street is a heliport used primarily by the SoCal Edison helicopter for business purposes but also for emergency situations, to airlift medical trauma patients to valley hospitals. 

We usually take our evening stroll out to the heliport about 7 o'clock, the sun just beginning to dip below the silhouette of the mountain ranges in the distance.  Tonight, like most nights, there was a cloudless blue sky as far as the eye could see.  Much later tonight, that beautiful blue will give way to a blackened night, thoroughly glistening with stars.  It's breathtakingly stunning.  While out near the heliport, however, as day yields to dusk, there is an ever-so-slight breeze, just this side of cool - not enough to make you shiver but a refreshing whisper across bare arms. 

Aside from the noisy antics of my children, it is virtually silent... and so serene.  Simply serene.  It only lasts for a moment but oh! what a moment!  It is for these moments that I choose to live in Big Creek.  Away from the complicated chaos and cacophony of the city.  Away from the rude indifference of strangers.  Away from the illusion of normalcy marred by oppressive heat, worldly temptations, and distorted truths.  Living here is simple... something I have sought for years.  Life is complicated enough; I'll take the simplicity of this life in Big Creek.

What's the point?

Since I've just recently started this blog, there have only been a handful of readers and comments, the majority of which were sent via email or through Facebook - not even on the blog!  I've received kudos (thank you!) and questions alike, such as 'why are you doing this?!'  It's a legitimate question.  One comment described it as "a personal way to be impersonal OR an impersonal way to be personal."  Yes, I guess to some degree that is true.  I prefer to think of it this way:  Have you never read or heard something, whether in a book, a magazine, on-line article, a devotion, a speech, sermon, etc., that touched you?  challenged you?  inspired you?  resonated with you?  I have.  I have read things that led me to wonder if the author had been silently and invisibly watching my life and decided to write about me - it seemed that close to home.  I have read things that made me shout, "YES!  That's exactly what I think or feel, too!  Somebody gets me!"  Isn't it reassuring to know others see what you see, feel what you feel, think what you think?  Isn't it comforting to know you are not alone?

My goal is to not only "get some things off my chest" as a means of dealing with my own life's challenges, but hopefully to also offer worthwhile insight, understanding, and hope to others who may be facing similar situations.  We can learn from each other.  We are meant to be in fellowship with others, not isolated and alone trying to muddle through life independent of one another.  I was taught to take care of myself and, frankly, I can.  But doing so cuts me off from valuable people and experiences, creates an attitude of self-centered absorption, and leaves little room for growth, friendship, learning, maturity - many things the Lord God desires for His children.  I have been independent of God, following Sinatra's mantra "I did it my way" to the unpleasant tune of disaster!  The Lord tells me in Matthew, 11:28-30:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  His way, not my way, will provide rest, learning, and ease of burden.

The point is this:  I have been blessed more times than I can count by the words of another, by friends and strangers alike who have struggled as I struggle.  I have found hope, encouragement, loving reprimand, and truth in the words of someone who took the time to share.  Yes, this blog is an indulgent exercise in cathartic self-expression... as well as a means of sharing with others.  I hope you receive some benefit from time to time.

Back to Normal

Ben and Elizabeth were at their dad's house this weekend.  It's usually an odd time for me; I so very much need a break from the 24/7 demands of two little ones... but then feel guilty for desiring such alone time.  After all, when you become a parent, you essentially forfeit the rights to privacy, quiet, solitude, and self.  I didn't know that before they came along... did you know that before your first child?  Anyway, unless I fill my time with projects, I tend to wander aimlessly and fritter my time away without my children directing me here and there.

As a separated parent, I also have to forfeit special events with my kids.  After a week of VBS (Vacation Bible School), I chose not to go to the final event Friday evening, a potluck BBQ where all could enjoy fellowship together and give their best attempt at the Bible Boot Camp obstacle course.  I sat at home instead and hoped my kids and their dad were having a good time.  Yes, he took them and for that willingness on his part, I am grateful.

Saturday there were not one, but two, children's birthday parties to attend.  I bowed out of those, too.  Some may wonder why but the answer is simple:  It was my husband's time with his children and I believed it best to give them that.  Again, he took them to the parties and they were still able to participate and have fun... without Mom.  It is difficult missing out on family time but then, our family has been redefined. 

Although attending church solo this morning was admittedly less stressful (almost 4 and 2+ year olds don't sit still well), I'd rather have had them there.  I want them to hear about Jesus, whether their little minds fully comprehend or not.  I want them to know Him, His grace, mercy, love, compassion, and will for their lives.  I know it is sinking in; the other day I caught Ben and Elizabeth holding hands at the table.  I figured they were playing around, as they often do.  Nope.  They were holding hands to pray.  Holding hands to pray.  My almost 4 and 2+ year old, praying.  Ben prayed, as only a child could, "Dear Jesus, thank you for this lovely day.  Thank you for Mrs. Carroll coming to help us.   Amen."  It made my heart leap with joy. 

But they are home now and things seem more "normal."  I use that word loosely - what, after all, is normal?  I guess it is what we make it and it will vary tremendously depending on who you are asking.  They are bickering... they are playing... they are chasing each other through the house... they have already backtalked, sassed, argued with me and told me 'no.'  They have whined for their dad and given me "the look."  Then Elizabeth trudges down the stairs just now, asking me to "open her bowl, please," and "thank you" when I do.  She tells me, "I am happy to be in your house."  I say, "I love you," and she says, "I love you" back to me.  Yes, things are back to normal.

A Second Coat

I like projects.  More so, I like completing projects.  I didn't always - complete them, that is.  If a project took too long and I grew weary of it I would set it aside... often for another project!  These days, I'm more apt to start something I know I can and will finish.

I like projects because they afford a sense of accomplishment.  They offer not only a tangible result but, for me, they also offer an escape from the sometimes-harsh realities of life.  Some folks like to escape into reading a good book of fiction, others turn to alcohol, drugs or some other unsavory vice.  I prefer to "build" instead of tear down.  Even if it is transitory, there is something worthwhile about using my time, my hands, my head to be creative and productive.

Like now... words of rejection have left me feeling humbled and discouraged.  How will I handle this rebuff?  I'm off to put a second coat of paint on the living room walls. 

A Strange Sort of Freedom

Being newly separated can play tricks on my mind.  There is an uncomfortable and uncertain grey area with no distinct boundaries.  Personally, I like boundaries; they help keep me in line.  That's not to stay I don't occasionally dip a toe or two onto the other side but generally speaking, I like to know where I stand and what is coming next.

Well, in this current state of separation, that simply is not possible - things seem pretty unstable.  Since mid-March when my husband left and as these short yet enduring 4+ months have passed, I have wondered to what degree my obligations, inquiries, and actions should involve him.  He IS still my husband at this time -- to what degree do I remain his wife?  Having children certainly complicates situations, as their dad and I will be required to remain in contact and cooperation for many years to come - whether we want to or not.  It's tough knowing (or at the very least suspecting) how he feels toward me.  It's difficult trying to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Take, for example, this weekend.  Ben and Elizabeth are with their dad and there are community events they will be attending - Vacation Bible School  (VBS) during the day and evening potluck and 2 birthday parties.  I've been a part of the former and invited to the latter.  Do I go?  How (un)comfortable will it be for either of us?  Potential...  Might it be confusing for the kids?  Possible...  Will our actions and words be on display for others to observe, form opinions, speculate?  Probable... 

I've always been overly concerned and sensitive to what others might think about me and that has developed great insecurities.  Many perceive me to be strong, independent and sure... if they only knew!  My insecurity has led me to build up defensive walls for protection; although I do indeed treasure some privacy and space, those walls have created the label "unapproachable" in the eyes of some.  Ouch.

I didn't understand this until recently.  So, now I am trying to learn to be 'vulnerable' to those around me.  Yikes!  Do you know the definition of vulnerable?!  dictionary.com defines it as "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon" and "open to moral attack, criticism, temptation."  Hmm, yeah, let's jump right into that!  I mean, come on!  Who welcomes being wounded, attacked or criticized?  Not me... but I also know growth can and mostly likely will be painful... and necessary.  I'm a big girl now; I need to act like one. 

So, here I am on this Friday morning with a strange sort of freedom.  It's just me... and my dog, Charley.  I can do whatever I want or do nothing at all.  Ambiguity.  Foreign.  At times, paralyzing... what do I do?  Where do I start?  Other times, respite.  Ahhhhh.  I'm going for "ah"!

Why not on a Thursday?

Most folks think they need to wait until Monday to start something new... why is that?  I'm usually a middle-of-the-road conformist; I don't like bucking the system too much.  Today, however, I am.  I'm starting something new - this blog - on a Thursday.  Living life on the wild side, aren't I?! 

I can't make any promises about this blog meeting anyone's needs but my own.  Sounds pretty selfish, I confess.  I've long wanted to write and every once in a while, I believe some things are worth sharing.  You may disagree and that is certainly your prerogative.  Just try to be kind and constructive if you, too, have something to say.

So, here is a little bit about me...

Right off the bat, I want you to know I'm a believer and follower of Jesus Christ.  My posts will certainly be peppered with scripture, questions, thoughts, ideas and references that include Him. 

Second, I confess I am not a perfect Christian... which is why my husband recently left me and our 2 young children.  He has some very legitimate complaints and sadly for us all, has closed his heart to forgiveness and reconciliation... at this time.  I know my God is big and still in the business of miracles and, so, I continue to have hope.  My blog will have much to say about this season of my life.

Third, as I mentioned above, I have 2 young children, Benjamin (almost 4) and Elizabeth (2+).  They are a constant source of joy and frustration.  Can anyone relate?!  Both are adopted and came to us as infants.  Without a doubt - they are gifts from God.  There are many days I cannot believe He entrusted them to me (us).  But He did.  See?  Will wonders never cease?!  Not as long as He is on the throne! 

For nearly 2 years now, I have been a SAHM.  By far, this has been the most difficult job I've ever had.  As time goes on, I will elaborate and share my challenges and triumphs.  They are what make up most of my day!

A little taste of the community we live in - Big Creek, California.  After all, Big Creek is the main part of my blog title.  It's a unique, tiny, mountain community nestled at approximately 4960' elevation in the Sierra Nevadas between two more well-known areas - Shaver Lake and Huntington Lake.  It's remote, to say the least, taking almost an hour and a half to reach the big town of Clovis, CA.   We have a General Store, a Post Office, US Forest Service offices, and the big employer of the community, Southern California Edison hydroelectric power plants.  Population:  unknown!  There isn't even a number on the sign, but I'd guess somewhere around 200+ folk. 

I love it here - the skies are almost always blue (except when there is a fire), the air is clean (although pollen floats liberally during its season), and it's a safe place for children.   Everything is within walking distance and it's small enough you can actually know your neighbors - almost a thing of the past. 

That isn't everything but it's a start.  You'll learn more, as will I, as time moves on.  We can learn together.  I hope you'll come back for more... of my life in Big Creek.