Hope Continually... and Praise Him

Harrumph.  What a very interesting day.  You know, you just cannot anticipate how a day may unfold when you're laying in bed enjoying the comfy, cozy warmth of flannel sheets, Grandma's quilts, and the invigorating chilliness of a basement bedroom!

The day started off peaceful enough.  Overnight temperatures had dipped into the high teens, which meant the living room was sub-50.  Brisk, to say the least.  My freshly brewed coffee, however, did a decent job of warming me up - God bless whoever put brew timers on coffee makers!  I love climbing my stairs to the aroma of fresh coffee and knowing it's ready and waiting for me to pour a cup!  I was able to enjoy an entire cup before my little man quietly made his way into the living room, with his ever-present "ducky" blanket draped over his head. 

Once Benjamin and Elizabeth awaken and make their appearance, peace and quiet quickly dissipates but both were in good moods, thankfully.  After early morning antics and mid-morning baths, they left late morning to spend the weekend with their dad.  After a few deep breaths, I decided to take Charley for a little walk to the post office; after all, who knew what surprises may be hiding in my box?!

You know, I'd been wondering the status of the d-word.  Over two months ago, my lifelong friend and paralegal had sent my husband my papers with a request for a settlement proposal.  I just love how I'm given these ridiculously short deadlines and he can take as much time as is convenient for him.  At least, that is how it appears.  Anyway... after opening my mail box, I no longer had to wonder.  For there, just waiting for me, was an envelope with his paralegal's return address in the upper left corner.  Oh, yippee.

Why I chose to do this, I don't know, but I promptly opened the envelope and began reading.  My "comments" were a series of huh, hm, ^ ^ (raised eyebrows) followed by a longer hmmm, phht  - all much to the entertainment and wonderment of our postal employee!  I quickly decided I needed to do this in the privacy of my home rather than the lobby of the post office.   Getting news like this is never pleasant, but to end the year on this note?  Lovely.

As my sister remarked, "Well, crap."  Admittedly, receipt of this document definitely put a damper on my day.  I think, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I was holding out hope he was holding out for reconciliation.  Yeah, got that one wrong.

After the numb disappointment settled in, I was graciously uplifted by much better news.  A friend, someone I really don't know well but who has found a niche in my heart, was battling depression recently.  I don't know any details, except it was clear it was much more complicated than simply having the blues.  I have an inkling of how debilitating depression can be because I also struggle with it at times, but hers was serious enough she had to be apart from her family and in a facility for care.  The good news I discovered was that she is now home and doing much better.  Praise the Lord for answered prayer!  This thrilled me!  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  God is good, all the time!

So, in the aftermath of receiving the not-so-good news followed by the oh-so-good news, I was emotionally depleted.  This, I think, on the heels of the busy Christmas season has left me simply weary.  My plans for seeing in the New Year are quiet ones; reading, movies, warm fires, and a hopefully-restful nap or two.  I don't make resolutions but I always have new hopes for the coming year.  And so, I end with this, which is really a good beginning for any new day or year:

But as for me, I will hope continually,

And will praise You yet more and more.  

Psalm 71:14 NAS

A New Christmas

Just about time to rest my weary head but I wanted to jot down a few thoughts before the evening ends.

I spent so many Christmases alone between Marriage One and Marriage Two.  Those years were some of the loneliest holidays.  After nearly 30 years of knowing what my Christmas would be like, I spent the next decade feeling like the 5th wheel, never knowing where I'd be, whether I'd be fortunate to spend the time with family or friends, or be home alone.  My last Christmas with my first husband was spent separate from each other; after we'd agreed to stay local (Visalia at the time), he chose to go to his parents house - without me.  Two years later, after he'd divorced me, my mom passed away right before Thanksgiving.  She'd been the glue that drew us together at the holidays and after her passing, there simply was no continuity.  For many years, I found myself not only dreading the holidays, but disliking them.  They seemed very joy-less. 

This year has brought many more changes.  Benjamin & Elizabeth went to their dad's last night for their Christmas.  I'm the first to agree how busy and behind you can get at this time of year, but I'll admit, I was surprised and disappointed when, after hearing he had the whole day off from work, he wasn't more eager to pick up the kids.  He mentioned he had to go down the hill for groceries; so? take the kids with you!  Don't misread this:  I know he loves his kids a lot but I can't imagine what it must be like to see them so seldom.

I had to go through Edison Camp in Big Creek this evening, where the kids' dad lives and can you guess what I saw?  His truck... not at his house.  He has told me to concentrate on my life because that is what he intends to do - focus on his own - so clearly, I have no business wondering or speculating where he may be tonight.  But I do... 

Recently, someone asked me if it weren't easier without him, less stressful, less frustrating.  Yes, sure, sometimes that is true.  Last night I had a dream he told me he loved me.  I don't even know what to think about that or how it makes me feel.  Some things are simply a mystery and I don't have the answers.

So, anticipating our first Christmas together as a threesome, I will start some new traditions.  Traditions my children and I can look forward to and count on when life at the holidays can be rather chaotic.  This first year will be a learning experience and will no doubt take some refining over time, but in one way or another, they'll take shape and substance. 

For one, I want to give meaning to Christmas by celebrating the day as Jesus's birthday and to do that, Red Velvet cake will be served.  The red cake is for His blood, spilled so I could live and the white frosting signifies being washed white as snow of my sins.  As Jesus received three gifts at his birth, my children will also receive three "categories" of gifts:  clothing, learning, and toys.  This idea is borrowed from my friend, Kim, and I think it is one that helps diminish the focus on how many presents are under the tree, as well as connect in another way with our Savior.

My sister and her family will be joining us here in Big Creek tomorrow afternoon.  We'll share laughter, food, gifts, and our time enjoying each other's company.  I'm looking forward to hosting our gathering; after all, not many folks are willing to make the trek up the mountain!  It will be different - a new Christmas - but I am hoping it will be good.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!

HOPE

3:07 a.m. and I can't sleep.  And, I can't figure out why.  Sleep doesn't usually evade me like this; I feel nearly wide awake.  So, since my mind was running like a caged rat in its silly wheel, here I am.

Being separated, I removed my wedding rings a while back.  I didn't want to but, honestly, my husband has made it pretty clear he has no heart for reconciliation at this time.  I know I'm still married (legally), and at this time, I have absolutely no interest in another relationship, let alone another marriage.  That, in itself, is foreign to me; after my first marriage ended, I couldn't wait to be married again.  I liked being married, I wanted a family, and was anxious for both those life events to occur.  I was determined to be remarried with 2 years!  I was completely distraught when I learned the average was 5 years!  God, however, had a different timeline in mind; a span of 10+ years would pass before I remarried.  Guess He got the final say on that one!

Right now, marriage is about the furthest thing from my mind.  Yes, I am a woman with needs and at times catch myself pondering the possibility of meeting someone who will be "that man,"  someone who will truly be a best friend, be willing to talk with me, share ideas and responsibilities with me, someone who would be a spiritual leader, and remain committed to me - regardless. 

Yet the practical side of me recognizes several key elements:  1) I'm closer to 50 than any other decade; 2) I have two very young children still to raise; 3) I live in a small, remote mountain community with an even smaller population of Christian men; 4) I've already tallied two failed marriages, and 5) I'm the common denominator.  Any guy would have to be off his rocker to even consider me!

And therefore, I'm back to learning to be content with my Forever Love.  He IS all those things I long for - and so much more.  In the absence of wearing my wedding rings that tie me to a man who wishes to be untied instead of united, I bought for myself a narrow, silver band with a single word engraved in it:  HOPE.  No, it doesn't necessarily stand for any "hope" of someday being replaced with another ring.  It doesn't necessarily represent any "hope" of reconciliation with my husband.  I do know God is big enough to bring about either of those things, if it is in His plan for my life and His kingdom (and if those involved were to cooperate).  What this ring means to me is simply what it says, HOPE:  Hope for the day, hope for the future, hope for my children, for provision, warmth in the cold, winter days, hope of new life in the Spring, hope to continue growing in my knowledge of and relationship with my Love, that I will bring honor to Him, that I will serve Him and His community well in the days allotted for me in this place.

So, now, when my thumb seeks the presence of something on the fourth finger of my left hand, it finds HOPE.  And I'm content with that.