What To Do

It's been a looooong time since I've dabbled in any poetry so I'm not sure how this will pan out...

When the color of this day shines bright in my eyes
with promises of rainbows through the cloudy skies
I see a day ahead of me when all things are good and right
And I cannot help but wonder if it's just the dark of night
that darkens my day, or is it the enemy at work?
Trying to rob my joy and employ my insecurities to hurt
my heart that longs to love again
a man that does not know
the Maker of all things, 
Who has given life to grow
in strength and in beauty, giving glory to Him
who is deserving of all praise until the very end.

What was the gain of giving myself to one who seemed alike
to have it all thrust aside like an empty can of soda on the side
of the road of life that twists and turns,
with no forgiveness in his heart
but rather just a bitterness that manifested in the dark
of the night that seeks to steal my joy
in the light that I have found
My God, what shall I do with these feelings that abound?

No man can fill the void or replace the One who made me
and yet there is a part of me that cannot help but see
the joy in being understood
of someone taking time
to want to get to know me, know me
like anyone would.

How can such a big difference seem like such a little thing
in mine eyes that seek to serve Thee
through the Hope of my ring
that rests 'round the finger, the one that says "I do"
because I do and yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.

Can this be a good thing, a good thing to be worked through You?
or must I say 'goodbye' to the one I have begun to love
the company of
the sound of
the touch of
the caring of
the smile of
the eyes of?

And yet I don't know, I don't know what to do.

Sweet & Sour Pickles

Thoughts can come to me at the oddest moments!  I'm mopping my kitchen floor and instantly knew I had to pause and come to the computer.  Again.  And again.

I'm falling in like with someone who has very different beliefs than I do.  Spiritual beliefs, that is.  On seemingly every other level, we appear to be a very comfortable fit.  And yet...there is this monumental chasm and I don't know how to bridge it.  One very dear friend told me being unequally yoked should be an immediate deal-breaker.  I know the truth of the words she so lovingly delivered to me... and yet, I also cannot deny the emotions growing inside me.

I did not plan on this.  As a matter of fact, I was pretty much planning on this not happening.  A relationship was something I thought might be better left to other people, people who have it more together and haven't already had two failed marriages. 

There has only been one other man I've known who gave so much to understand and "get" me.  My relationship with him had some wonderfully tender moments because of that but "we" were not meant to be.  I am delighted for him that he is now married and I have no doubt he is giving his wife his undivided heart and attention.  The one element of our relationship that I appreciated so much was his introspective and gently analytic nature that strove to grasp not only what I was saying, but my underlying emotions.  My new friend gives me that, too.  We can all be misunderstood by people who are close to and care for us, but when there is one who goes beyond that misunderstanding and can break down the tricky parts to get to the heart of the matter - who not only cares enough but has the skills to do so - that is so rare and precious.  And difficult to let go of.

I listen to music and praise God through it, both the sweet lyrics and moving music. My new friend also loves music and singing... but will he be able to savor the words of worship to a God he does not believe in? I hear the sweet, sweet name of Jesus... and my heart hurts that he will not feel the depth of love I have for my Savior.  Or feel the depth of love the Savior has for him.

So, you can see, I am in quite a pickle:  The sweetness of discovering joy with another human being... and the sourness of a critical difference. 

Missing You

I had a little extra quiet time this morning sitting in my front room, before the kids got up.  As is usually the case, my mind tends to flit from one topic to another, often covering a vast amount of territory.  Of course, the more time I have, the farther my mind wanders to past conversations, situations, emotions... people.  This morning, I found my thoughts settling on two people, my mom and RJ.

As my eyes traveled around my front room, full of materials for home decorating projects, I wondered what Mom would think of our home, our cozy living space.  I think she would have felt very comfortable here.  Although not always, most usually, she not only approved of my decorating choices, she enjoyed them as much as I did.  She may not have understood my eclectic collection of "things," but I think she liked them... maybe simply because I liked them.  She was good for my self-esteem; she encouraged me and supported me.  I miss her and how she could build me up.  I have been missing it for nearly 17 years. 

Then there is RJ.  Our friendship barely got going before it was over.  These are the conversations I recall, the discovery of common interests, challenges, life stories and experiences.  The attraction - physical as well as emotional, spiritual, mental.  But if there is one thing I've had to learn is true is the only person - or mind - you can change is your own.  Despite what I believe was a genuine and wonderful connection, if both individuals cannot for whatever reason be on the same page (or in the same town), then rather than grieve what is lost, I should count my blessings for the brief time we were in contact and try to stop counting the days since we parted... 17.