Today was a good day. Any day that can start off with some Bible study (still working in the Book of Daniel - awesome!) and a hike with my canine companion, Charley Boy, is a good day! There are certainly other things that constitute a good day; that is just one of them.
The air was cool this morning as we set out and by the time we got up to Scott's Lake, the breeze was downright chilly. It felt good, though, and so refreshing. That's about the only way I like the wind - just enough to whisk away heat from exertion and brush my face with a brisk whisper.
Charley was in paradise as he followed an array of aromas in typical zig-zag dog fashion! Deer tracks were evident and I keep hoping we'll get a glimpse of one some day on one of our outings. After flushing out a startled squirrel, Charley was tempted to scurry down the hillside after it but, thankfully (and probably reluctantly for him), he listened to me and stayed put. You can be certain, however, he picked up the scent on the trot back and was ready to give it another go! Of course, if he reacted that excitedly over a squirrel, who knows what he'd do with a deer!
After a nice, lengthy chat with a friend, Charley and I headed home. Another weekend of no pressing plans, there is the perpetual "to do" list posted on the fridge. First on the list was to split kindling. Despite buying firestarters to expedite the chore of lighting fires in the woodstove, I like to have kindling on hand as a back-up. Plus, I don't know what it is about that task but I just get a kick out of it! Silly, I know.
Watching "Princess Bride" while ironing followed splitting the kindling and hauling wood into the house. Halfway through, I got a call from our post office - UPS had delivered a package for me. You see, that's one of the great things about living in a community the size of Big Creek; the gal at the post office is also a friend and can let me know when a package arrives!
After a quick shower and some simple sprucing, I retrieved my package (early Christmas gifts I'd ordered for the kids) and then stopped by the school gym where folks were setting up for the school's annual Fall Carnival. I pitched in by setting up chairs for the enchilada dinner, hanging streamers for the cake walk, coding Tootsie Pops for another booth, cutting curling ribbon for balloons, and making big bows for something else. When there was nothing more to be done, several of us ladies made our way to the General Store for our version of T.G.I.F. - nachos and adult beverages, telling stories, laughing at ourselves and each other. It felt good to spend time with others, relaxing and just feeling alive.
I can be so tense and uptight trying to handle the challenges of any given day. I know I take life too seriously too often. But today was different. I got outside for some fresh air. Charley and I took a brisk walk in the cool morning. I was productive at home and I volunteered my time for the benefit of others. I ate, drank, and was merry. Today was good. Scripture says "every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights" (James 1:17). Today was a good thing bestowed on me. God is good. All the time.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Furlough is Over - Back to Work
At my last session with the counselor, I promised him and myself I would continue to work on my issues at hand. It has occurred to me lately that I have not. As it goes, life tends to get in the way and interrupt good intentions. I have realized I have once again been focusing on my husband - the fact he left, the fact he filed for divorce, the fact I don't his whereabouts, his comings and goings, his work, his life, or anything else. It is a struggle for me and I'm not sure why. Why can't I let go? Why can't I let go of the things I have no control over? Why do I need that control?
The past few days have been very reflective for me. I have been brought to my senses by two individuals: Daniel and Whitney. As our morning Bible study group has been g(r)o(w)ing through a Beth Moore study of Daniel, (my first read of the book) I am being challenged to examine my life; am I living a life of integrity? Is the private person the same as the public person? I confess: Not for me. I think people have a difficult time understanding why my husband left me. It is because very few people, if any, will ever see the side of me he lived with. Integrity? I think not. I could be a very different individual than the public me.
Oh, I guess that could be said for a lot of folk. Don't many of us "put on a face" in public? Sure - but to the extent I did? I felt like a Jekyll & Hyde at times; I was fearful of myself and what I could possibly do. There were moments I was completely aware of the spiritual battle within; and I felt helpless, truly helpless to rise above it. The enemy knew my weaknesses, preyed upon them and worked his evil schemes to destroy the marriage God had built. One of the questions in the study guide asked if you've ever been used by the enemy. I have and it is a most horrific knowing. It makes me feel weak and powerless - just where the enemy wants me.
The second person, Whitney, is a distant relative-by-marriage. This is my third attempt to put into words why or how is she touching me. I simply cannot adequately relate the effect she is having on me. Suffice it to say, she is battling so much more than I am and yet continues to praise God with every precious breath. I am a worm complaining about petty inconveniences when this fragile young lady is simply hoping for the day she can stop taking meds and live a "normal" life. And yet, shamefully, it is her pain and praise that inspires me to move beyond the situation I find myself in, because what I'm dealing with is nothing - NOTHING - in comparison to the challenges God is walking her through. So, Whitney, I pray you know in your heart and mind you are found faithful to those of us who know you even a little.
I have so much work yet to do. I feel like I've been on furlough; no work, no pay, no reward. It's time to resume progress, focus on the person I have the power to change (me), and thank God - really thank Him - I still have time to do it, to make things better than they were.
By the way, tomorrow I should be celebrating my 7 year wedding anniversary. Instead, I will celebrate all the Lord has granted and provided me. There is much; it will be a busy, blessed day.
The past few days have been very reflective for me. I have been brought to my senses by two individuals: Daniel and Whitney. As our morning Bible study group has been g(r)o(w)ing through a Beth Moore study of Daniel, (my first read of the book) I am being challenged to examine my life; am I living a life of integrity? Is the private person the same as the public person? I confess: Not for me. I think people have a difficult time understanding why my husband left me. It is because very few people, if any, will ever see the side of me he lived with. Integrity? I think not. I could be a very different individual than the public me.
Oh, I guess that could be said for a lot of folk. Don't many of us "put on a face" in public? Sure - but to the extent I did? I felt like a Jekyll & Hyde at times; I was fearful of myself and what I could possibly do. There were moments I was completely aware of the spiritual battle within; and I felt helpless, truly helpless to rise above it. The enemy knew my weaknesses, preyed upon them and worked his evil schemes to destroy the marriage God had built. One of the questions in the study guide asked if you've ever been used by the enemy. I have and it is a most horrific knowing. It makes me feel weak and powerless - just where the enemy wants me.
The second person, Whitney, is a distant relative-by-marriage. This is my third attempt to put into words why or how is she touching me. I simply cannot adequately relate the effect she is having on me. Suffice it to say, she is battling so much more than I am and yet continues to praise God with every precious breath. I am a worm complaining about petty inconveniences when this fragile young lady is simply hoping for the day she can stop taking meds and live a "normal" life. And yet, shamefully, it is her pain and praise that inspires me to move beyond the situation I find myself in, because what I'm dealing with is nothing - NOTHING - in comparison to the challenges God is walking her through. So, Whitney, I pray you know in your heart and mind you are found faithful to those of us who know you even a little.
I have so much work yet to do. I feel like I've been on furlough; no work, no pay, no reward. It's time to resume progress, focus on the person I have the power to change (me), and thank God - really thank Him - I still have time to do it, to make things better than they were.
By the way, tomorrow I should be celebrating my 7 year wedding anniversary. Instead, I will celebrate all the Lord has granted and provided me. There is much; it will be a busy, blessed day.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
From Pointless to Purpose
I know I've written once before about the trouble of bridling the tongue. The book of James speaks of it, no pun intended, rather bluntly. Sort of how I can speak - rather bluntly. My husband left me due to my disrespectful tongue. Oh! If he had any idea how much I haven't said! I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, honestly, because I certainly don't have it nailed down. All I'm saying is, it is a struggle and it must be a struggle for many or God would not have thought it pertinent enough to include in His Good Book. I find it difficult to believe money is the primary source of conflict in marriages; I'm convinced it's poor communication.
I have realized I really want to "win" in lots of petty matters. D-U-M-B. What does that gain me? A big, fat nothing. Well, nothing except heartache. I have a really hard time letting go when someone doesn't see my point; I want to keep pressing buttons until it finally clicks. I want the other person to see it my way, or at least see my perspective, where I'm coming from. It's incredibly frustrating when something that seems so simple to me appears to completely escape someone else. Argh. Some people just don't get it! It's like beating my head against a wall. Okay, well, put that way, I can clearly see the absurdity of my ways. If it is pointless to persevere in such a exasperating endeavor, why do it? I have been known to beat the proverbial dead horse. Poor thing. I gotta learn to let it go and get on with living. Then, maybe the rocks in my neck and shoulders will go away.
So, onto life in Big Creek. Some months ago I bought supplies - some 1x2x8 lengths of wood and some tarps - to make a covering for my stack of firewood. Since rain is forecasted almost all week and I had to contend with trying to burn wet wood last storm, I thought I better get my tarps up.
I'm no engineer but I am pretty pleased with what I came up with. I used my staple gun to attach the tarps to the lumber. Then I used eye screws in the underside of the eaves and put cup hooks, the kind that are sort of like a snap hook, on the top edge of the lumber. I thought the snap would help keep them on if it were windy, and it also makes it super quick and easy to remove them from the eaves. It took about 5 minutes to staple the tarps to the wood strips and about 15 minutes, tops, to install the eyescrews and cup hooks. Done. Even got some firewood brought into the house in preparation for colder temperatures. There is such a great sense of accomplishment when you can cross something off the 'to do' list. Somehow, it just gives me a sense of purpose.
I have realized I really want to "win" in lots of petty matters. D-U-M-B. What does that gain me? A big, fat nothing. Well, nothing except heartache. I have a really hard time letting go when someone doesn't see my point; I want to keep pressing buttons until it finally clicks. I want the other person to see it my way, or at least see my perspective, where I'm coming from. It's incredibly frustrating when something that seems so simple to me appears to completely escape someone else. Argh. Some people just don't get it! It's like beating my head against a wall. Okay, well, put that way, I can clearly see the absurdity of my ways. If it is pointless to persevere in such a exasperating endeavor, why do it? I have been known to beat the proverbial dead horse. Poor thing. I gotta learn to let it go and get on with living. Then, maybe the rocks in my neck and shoulders will go away.
So, onto life in Big Creek. Some months ago I bought supplies - some 1x2x8 lengths of wood and some tarps - to make a covering for my stack of firewood. Since rain is forecasted almost all week and I had to contend with trying to burn wet wood last storm, I thought I better get my tarps up.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Lesson in Humility
I think one of life's hardest lessons has got to be that of humility. And I think humility is most necessary when one is at the peak of indignant pride. Sharing my pain of wounded pride is not an easy thing to do and so I pray by putting myself "out there," someone might be able to learn from my humbling experience.
This past weekend I was doing some volunteer work at a children's consignment sales event. The work afforded me the opportunity to browse for items - clothing, toys, shoes, etc. - for my children, Benjamin and Elizabeth. I've been a part of this biannual event for about 4 years now, either shopping, consigning, volunteering, or all three. Through the years, I've chosen only to shop the final day of the sale, because a great percentage of the items are 50% off already low prices. It's a heckuva deal, there is no dispute.
Let me set the stage, because it is key to illustrating where my pride crept in.
Not only do I elect to shop the 50% day, I also volunteer to work this day. I volunteer for an 11 hour day, which includes the organization and disassembly of everything after the sale is closed to the public. It's a crazy lot of work but I do it because a) I enjoy hard work and b) I figure most people don't like cleaning up so this is one of the tasks where most volunteers are needed. On this day, I did not take any break, ate no lunch or snack, never took a potty break - but after asking the "owner" if it was okay, I did take many opportunities to browse for items as I was straightening clothes on the racks. These treasures were placed in the back room on hold until I had time to weed through them and pick the keepers and return unwanted items to the racks.
Well, the day overall was quite busy. By the end of the day, I had an embarrassingly HUGE pile of clothing items. At one point, as I went to the back room to add more items to the pile, some volunteers were sitting down for a break and I could tell they were somewhat astounded at the size of the pile I'd accumulated. With a nervous chuckle, I commented I would be weeding through them... but before I knew it, the sale ended, that time to sort my finds never came and the chaos of breakdown had begun.
Although there is a system for breakdown, the whole process is really rather bizarre. It had been a year since I'd been involved and although my memory can be pretty lousy, this time it seemed less organized. I was torn between thinking I really needed to assist and feeling I really needed to sort through the gigantic stack of clothes in back. Plus, all the remaining merchandise on the floor was sorted and certain items were being pulled; what if I had some of those things in my pile? At one point I decided I better get to the back and start sorting.
Well, oh, my goodness - even I was overwhelmed at all I'd set aside. It was absurd. Ridiculous. I'd offered to purchase additional items for the kids to keep at their dad's house so I was essentially buying for two households but, really, how much did I need? I was part way through the stack when another volunteer who shall remain nameless, partly because she never introduced herself, approached and basically confronted me for what I was doing. She explained that although it was okay to set some things aside, by hoarding them back there other shoppers couldn't purchase them and consigners couldn't sell them. She assured me I wouldn't be "forced" to buy everything I had held back but...
To say I was mortified is an understatement. I knew full-well what she was telling me was only right and fair, and yet I felt my defenses rising. I shifted my weight and cocked my head as if to say, "enough already - I got the point." My mind was spinning at the confrontration. A voice inside my head was like the Apostle Paul, tallying up my qualifications to justify in my behavior. Ah, here comes the pride. Thankfully, by God's grace alone, I realized this prideful change in my attitude and put a stop to it immediately. Had I, at that moment, tried to put a period before the end of her sentence, I would have made an even bigger fool of myself.
After the encounter, I finished my sorting and shamefully returned the unwanted items to the racks, feeling eyes of other volunteers upon me. My head bowed and my steps quick, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I even contemplated leaving... and not coming back. Practically speaking, that was not an option. And besides, I had a lesson to endure.
When all was said and done, I survived. I apologized profusely through my tears to the person who had informed my of my wrongdoing. She extended kindness through a hug. The work was accomplished. My kids have "new" clothes for the winter.
I gratefully escaped the event as soon as I could. I felt like a criminal escaping the scene of a crime. I felt awful, really awful. It was a very humiliating experience. Some people could blow it off and hang on to their "rights" feeling perfectly at peace with the misappropriation of privilege. I knew better. My intentions were not to cheat anyone, and yet I knew I had.
This happened to me once before when I was much younger. I innocently, and yet clearly, violated a rule and was terminated from a job - on the spot. I have never gotten over that. To this day, I have issues with insecurity. The difference now is that I have a relationship with a God who is forgiving and understanding. He disciplines those He loves. I have been disciplined. I know I am still loved. Praise be to God! He loves me still and in spite of myself.
This past weekend I was doing some volunteer work at a children's consignment sales event. The work afforded me the opportunity to browse for items - clothing, toys, shoes, etc. - for my children, Benjamin and Elizabeth. I've been a part of this biannual event for about 4 years now, either shopping, consigning, volunteering, or all three. Through the years, I've chosen only to shop the final day of the sale, because a great percentage of the items are 50% off already low prices. It's a heckuva deal, there is no dispute.
Let me set the stage, because it is key to illustrating where my pride crept in.
Not only do I elect to shop the 50% day, I also volunteer to work this day. I volunteer for an 11 hour day, which includes the organization and disassembly of everything after the sale is closed to the public. It's a crazy lot of work but I do it because a) I enjoy hard work and b) I figure most people don't like cleaning up so this is one of the tasks where most volunteers are needed. On this day, I did not take any break, ate no lunch or snack, never took a potty break - but after asking the "owner" if it was okay, I did take many opportunities to browse for items as I was straightening clothes on the racks. These treasures were placed in the back room on hold until I had time to weed through them and pick the keepers and return unwanted items to the racks.
Well, the day overall was quite busy. By the end of the day, I had an embarrassingly HUGE pile of clothing items. At one point, as I went to the back room to add more items to the pile, some volunteers were sitting down for a break and I could tell they were somewhat astounded at the size of the pile I'd accumulated. With a nervous chuckle, I commented I would be weeding through them... but before I knew it, the sale ended, that time to sort my finds never came and the chaos of breakdown had begun.
Although there is a system for breakdown, the whole process is really rather bizarre. It had been a year since I'd been involved and although my memory can be pretty lousy, this time it seemed less organized. I was torn between thinking I really needed to assist and feeling I really needed to sort through the gigantic stack of clothes in back. Plus, all the remaining merchandise on the floor was sorted and certain items were being pulled; what if I had some of those things in my pile? At one point I decided I better get to the back and start sorting.
Well, oh, my goodness - even I was overwhelmed at all I'd set aside. It was absurd. Ridiculous. I'd offered to purchase additional items for the kids to keep at their dad's house so I was essentially buying for two households but, really, how much did I need? I was part way through the stack when another volunteer who shall remain nameless, partly because she never introduced herself, approached and basically confronted me for what I was doing. She explained that although it was okay to set some things aside, by hoarding them back there other shoppers couldn't purchase them and consigners couldn't sell them. She assured me I wouldn't be "forced" to buy everything I had held back but...
To say I was mortified is an understatement. I knew full-well what she was telling me was only right and fair, and yet I felt my defenses rising. I shifted my weight and cocked my head as if to say, "enough already - I got the point." My mind was spinning at the confrontration. A voice inside my head was like the Apostle Paul, tallying up my qualifications to justify in my behavior. Ah, here comes the pride. Thankfully, by God's grace alone, I realized this prideful change in my attitude and put a stop to it immediately. Had I, at that moment, tried to put a period before the end of her sentence, I would have made an even bigger fool of myself.
After the encounter, I finished my sorting and shamefully returned the unwanted items to the racks, feeling eyes of other volunteers upon me. My head bowed and my steps quick, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I even contemplated leaving... and not coming back. Practically speaking, that was not an option. And besides, I had a lesson to endure.
When all was said and done, I survived. I apologized profusely through my tears to the person who had informed my of my wrongdoing. She extended kindness through a hug. The work was accomplished. My kids have "new" clothes for the winter.
I gratefully escaped the event as soon as I could. I felt like a criminal escaping the scene of a crime. I felt awful, really awful. It was a very humiliating experience. Some people could blow it off and hang on to their "rights" feeling perfectly at peace with the misappropriation of privilege. I knew better. My intentions were not to cheat anyone, and yet I knew I had.
This happened to me once before when I was much younger. I innocently, and yet clearly, violated a rule and was terminated from a job - on the spot. I have never gotten over that. To this day, I have issues with insecurity. The difference now is that I have a relationship with a God who is forgiving and understanding. He disciplines those He loves. I have been disciplined. I know I am still loved. Praise be to God! He loves me still and in spite of myself.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Morning Hike
From my dining room window, I can see vivid blue sky as well as encroaching clouds. Thunderstorms are still in the forecast. This morning, however, it was deliciously cool and dry, which made for perfect conditions for another walk to Scott's Lake with Charley.
Charley led us along the path. He'd trot ahead, stop, look back at me as if to say, "Are you coming?" then would venture on his way. It was breezier today than yesterday, but a great and beautiful walk, just the same. I was glad to have taken my camera this morning. I hope you enjoy some of the beauty around Big Creek.
Washed Clean
All weekend and into next week, there are thunderstorms in the forecast. At least we sometimes get a "heads up" they're coming; personal thunderstorms don't always come with any advance warning. No chance to prepare for the torrent or to cover your head from the onslaught of attack.
I had warning - I'd read the weather forecast. So how did I prepare? The winds predicted were slight and though I knew they'd have an adverse effect, I chose to expend some energy raking my yard to clean it up! It looked so neat and tidy... for about an hour! No matter, I knew it would happen. I knew my efforts would be undone but I so enjoy the physicality of working in the yard that it wasn't a deterrent. Not unlike washing your car in the rain or with forthcoming rain. Oh, come on! Don't tell me you've never done that! It's classic - I've either washed my car in the rain or washed it knowing the rain is coming! My thought is that at least it will rain on a clean car. At least there are fewer leaves and acorns littering the yards.
You could smell the rain coming yesterday. I love that smell, a sort of musty anticipation of a good earth cleansing on its way. Even better was the smell after the rain. Ah, freshness. Clean, clean, clean. It's crisp and has that "just washed" fragrance - like a dirty slate being wiped clean. It's a good feeling, a welcome feeling to know God sends His rains at the appointed time to wash the slate clean.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." (Lamentations 3:21-24)
I had warning - I'd read the weather forecast. So how did I prepare? The winds predicted were slight and though I knew they'd have an adverse effect, I chose to expend some energy raking my yard to clean it up! It looked so neat and tidy... for about an hour! No matter, I knew it would happen. I knew my efforts would be undone but I so enjoy the physicality of working in the yard that it wasn't a deterrent. Not unlike washing your car in the rain or with forthcoming rain. Oh, come on! Don't tell me you've never done that! It's classic - I've either washed my car in the rain or washed it knowing the rain is coming! My thought is that at least it will rain on a clean car. At least there are fewer leaves and acorns littering the yards.
You could smell the rain coming yesterday. I love that smell, a sort of musty anticipation of a good earth cleansing on its way. Even better was the smell after the rain. Ah, freshness. Clean, clean, clean. It's crisp and has that "just washed" fragrance - like a dirty slate being wiped clean. It's a good feeling, a welcome feeling to know God sends His rains at the appointed time to wash the slate clean.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." (Lamentations 3:21-24)
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