Have you ever been to a second-hand store? What do you look for? What do you find? Usually a bargain, right? An item someone else has cast aside; maybe there is a broken or missing part. Maybe they found some new gadget that could do the job better, or maybe they simply grew tired of the item. "There's still some life left in it," they think, "perhaps someone else can make use of it." So, they mark down the price and set the item on the shelf.
That's how I feel tonight: Damaged goods. I've certainly been cast aside - numerous times, even! Some of my parts - my heart, for one - have been broken (repeatedly, I might add). Like anyone, I can be replaced. And, yes, it might even be said, I've worn out my welcome in certain places.
I learned tonight that knowing myelf, being able to identify and to even have the courage to share my shortcomings has, well, bitten me in the butt. Oh, but for the truth in the saying "ignorance is bliss"!!! Damn, Sam! Is this simply a case of sharing TMI - too much information? Screw you, o, counselor! Being vulnerable sucks and hurts - it hurts like hell.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
The Other Foot
It's interesting how God uses people and they aren't even aware of it. On the flip side, as in the story of Job who suffered and endured the tempestuous trials brought about by the enemy, with God's permission, people can also be used by the enemy.
Shamefully, I was. Used by the enemy, that is. Yes, I really believe that. I believe I was a tool in the destruction of my marriage, gradually yet effectively tearing down what had been established in God's name. I've posted previously about the demeaning and disrespectful ways I treated my husband. In hindsight - o! how clear it is - I can see how my words, well-intending though I told myself they were, served no greater purpose than to not-so-subtly convey my disappointment and dissatisfaction, as well as point fingers at his inadequacy, inefficiency, incompetency - as I perceived him. Certainly not how God viewed him. Rarely, however, did I take the time to see him through God's eyes.
You hear that people belittle others to make themselves feel bigger, more important or powerful. Perhaps that is true; perhaps that is what I did. In my own insecurities, I lashed out to feel greater than I actually believed I was. Am.
Moving ahead now to current day. It would appear the shoe is on the other foot. Where I was the instigator and aggravator, whether conciously or not provoking feelings of ineptness and inferiority, now I am experiencing those same doubts about myself my husband would, on rare occasion, confess I caused him to feel.
Oh, I can guess what you may be thinking... no one can make you feel any certain way. I used that same spiel earlier this evening with every bit of conviction. But it doesn't stop one from initially blaming the "instigator" for your feelings of inadequacy. I find myself thinking I do not measure up, that I am a disappointment, and that I am not doing enough - all things someone else thought about themself because of things I said.
Where does that leave me? For one, with greater understanding how words (mine) affect others (my husband). It is motivating me to talk more honestly, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, to the other person about how their words are affecting me, having some humility to dig deeper than the surface for underlying implications or meaning. For the truth is, clear, open, and honest communication was always, always lacking in my marriage. Now that it appears I have the opportunity to develop good communication with someone I care for, I'll willingly slip my foot into that other shoe and learn to walk a new path - one that hopefully and God willing, leads to greater joy, peace, and harmony.
Shamefully, I was. Used by the enemy, that is. Yes, I really believe that. I believe I was a tool in the destruction of my marriage, gradually yet effectively tearing down what had been established in God's name. I've posted previously about the demeaning and disrespectful ways I treated my husband. In hindsight - o! how clear it is - I can see how my words, well-intending though I told myself they were, served no greater purpose than to not-so-subtly convey my disappointment and dissatisfaction, as well as point fingers at his inadequacy, inefficiency, incompetency - as I perceived him. Certainly not how God viewed him. Rarely, however, did I take the time to see him through God's eyes.
You hear that people belittle others to make themselves feel bigger, more important or powerful. Perhaps that is true; perhaps that is what I did. In my own insecurities, I lashed out to feel greater than I actually believed I was. Am.
Moving ahead now to current day. It would appear the shoe is on the other foot. Where I was the instigator and aggravator, whether conciously or not provoking feelings of ineptness and inferiority, now I am experiencing those same doubts about myself my husband would, on rare occasion, confess I caused him to feel.
Oh, I can guess what you may be thinking... no one can make you feel any certain way. I used that same spiel earlier this evening with every bit of conviction. But it doesn't stop one from initially blaming the "instigator" for your feelings of inadequacy. I find myself thinking I do not measure up, that I am a disappointment, and that I am not doing enough - all things someone else thought about themself because of things I said.
Where does that leave me? For one, with greater understanding how words (mine) affect others (my husband). It is motivating me to talk more honestly, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, to the other person about how their words are affecting me, having some humility to dig deeper than the surface for underlying implications or meaning. For the truth is, clear, open, and honest communication was always, always lacking in my marriage. Now that it appears I have the opportunity to develop good communication with someone I care for, I'll willingly slip my foot into that other shoe and learn to walk a new path - one that hopefully and God willing, leads to greater joy, peace, and harmony.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Working Hands
I don't have pretty hands. I have working hands. I dig into the soil to weed -- with my fingers, not necessarily with a garden spade. I get blisters when I trim the lawn (no power trimmer for me!) and have scratches and scrapes because I forget to wear gloves, even when working around prickly roses. My fingernails are usually short, out of practicality. My rule of thumbnail is, pun intended, if there are 3 or more short nails, they all get shortened!
I use to have acrylic nails - long, fancy, and polished. I spent time and money to keep them looking nice, primarily for my profession - one that was constantly pointing out details in paperwork to all classes of folk. When I left that profession, however, there was no practical reason to maintain the fancy tips. I can't say I've missed them.
Even though they're rough, my hands know how to touch, caress, hold, soothe, and love. My hands may be working hands and they may not be pretty, but they're loving hands.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Cat...
... is out of the bag. I have a new guy in my life and I'm spilling beans about him. Some will love and support. Some will pray for guidance, protection, and wisdom. Some will not approve, but will judge and offer their "tsk, tsk," giving further weight to the hypocrisy nonbelievers see in many Christians - you know, those followers of Christ who Jesus tells that whomever is without sin should throw the first stone (John 8:7)? I've stood among those hypocrites, quietly chastising others for their lack of spiritual steadfastness, lack of obedience, lack of will power. Now, it would appear to the naked eye, I am one of those very individuals who is lacking the steadfastness, obedience, and will power.
It is not as though I deliberately set out to care for someone who does not know the one and only true God. Someone asked me if he's not a believer, on what level were you able to connect, as if it were impossible to even fathom? My internal response: On EVERY other level! This is what makes our one monumental difference so incredibly difficult to come to grips with. Yes, spiritual difference is no light matter, and yet I find myself painfully reluctant to dismiss this man who seeks to understand, validate, respect, and honor not only who I am, but what has made me the individual who stands before him.
Perhaps what adds to my reluctance in any sort of early dismissal is the knowledge of having been married to a "believer," a man who did not willingly or regularly attend church (after all, NASCAR, football, and hours-long naps are healthy alternatives, right?!), who could be as judgmental and intolerant as the best of them, who, by all appearance of lifestyle held ill-regard for how he fed his mind, body, and spirit, who seemed to hold little to no regard, value, or responsible stewardship for the care of material goods, who granted no mercy or forgiveness for his wife's wrongdoing, and repeatedly fell back on a claimed lack of experience when it came to dealing with basic life matters. (So learn something, already!)
And yes, I know as I point the finger, there are three pointing back at me. I am not guilt-free. I guess the point is this: No one is. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Do you notice the inclusion (ALL) and do you clearly see the present tense of the above? We "fall short" - 'fall' signifying continually. It doesn't say we fell and no longer do so, but the truth is, it is an ongoing falling short of the mark, which is the meaning of 'sin.'
Ah, but then I am reminded of my counselor counseling me to focus only on what I had responsibility for - me. So, here I am. Sinfully, according to some, keeping company with an unbeliever. I cannot control the thoughts, judgments, and convictions of others. I am not without thought, judgment, or conviction myself. It is my ongoing challenge right now. But as I strive, struggle, and desire to figure it out, I can only hope I will receive the benefit and blessing loving support can provide. My dear Christian friends, don't desert me now.
If someone knows that others are praying for their salvation, are they more or less inclined to embrace the gift? Will they dig their heels in in stubborn and independent resistance or will they be willing to listen... learn... love the love God Almighty has for them?
It is not as though I deliberately set out to care for someone who does not know the one and only true God. Someone asked me if he's not a believer, on what level were you able to connect, as if it were impossible to even fathom? My internal response: On EVERY other level! This is what makes our one monumental difference so incredibly difficult to come to grips with. Yes, spiritual difference is no light matter, and yet I find myself painfully reluctant to dismiss this man who seeks to understand, validate, respect, and honor not only who I am, but what has made me the individual who stands before him.
Perhaps what adds to my reluctance in any sort of early dismissal is the knowledge of having been married to a "believer," a man who did not willingly or regularly attend church (after all, NASCAR, football, and hours-long naps are healthy alternatives, right?!), who could be as judgmental and intolerant as the best of them, who, by all appearance of lifestyle held ill-regard for how he fed his mind, body, and spirit, who seemed to hold little to no regard, value, or responsible stewardship for the care of material goods, who granted no mercy or forgiveness for his wife's wrongdoing, and repeatedly fell back on a claimed lack of experience when it came to dealing with basic life matters. (So learn something, already!)
And yes, I know as I point the finger, there are three pointing back at me. I am not guilt-free. I guess the point is this: No one is. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Do you notice the inclusion (ALL) and do you clearly see the present tense of the above? We "fall short" - 'fall' signifying continually. It doesn't say we fell and no longer do so, but the truth is, it is an ongoing falling short of the mark, which is the meaning of 'sin.'
Ah, but then I am reminded of my counselor counseling me to focus only on what I had responsibility for - me. So, here I am. Sinfully, according to some, keeping company with an unbeliever. I cannot control the thoughts, judgments, and convictions of others. I am not without thought, judgment, or conviction myself. It is my ongoing challenge right now. But as I strive, struggle, and desire to figure it out, I can only hope I will receive the benefit and blessing loving support can provide. My dear Christian friends, don't desert me now.
If someone knows that others are praying for their salvation, are they more or less inclined to embrace the gift? Will they dig their heels in in stubborn and independent resistance or will they be willing to listen... learn... love the love God Almighty has for them?
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