A New Christmas

Just about time to rest my weary head but I wanted to jot down a few thoughts before the evening ends.

I spent so many Christmases alone between Marriage One and Marriage Two.  Those years were some of the loneliest holidays.  After nearly 30 years of knowing what my Christmas would be like, I spent the next decade feeling like the 5th wheel, never knowing where I'd be, whether I'd be fortunate to spend the time with family or friends, or be home alone.  My last Christmas with my first husband was spent separate from each other; after we'd agreed to stay local (Visalia at the time), he chose to go to his parents house - without me.  Two years later, after he'd divorced me, my mom passed away right before Thanksgiving.  She'd been the glue that drew us together at the holidays and after her passing, there simply was no continuity.  For many years, I found myself not only dreading the holidays, but disliking them.  They seemed very joy-less. 

This year has brought many more changes.  Benjamin & Elizabeth went to their dad's last night for their Christmas.  I'm the first to agree how busy and behind you can get at this time of year, but I'll admit, I was surprised and disappointed when, after hearing he had the whole day off from work, he wasn't more eager to pick up the kids.  He mentioned he had to go down the hill for groceries; so? take the kids with you!  Don't misread this:  I know he loves his kids a lot but I can't imagine what it must be like to see them so seldom.

I had to go through Edison Camp in Big Creek this evening, where the kids' dad lives and can you guess what I saw?  His truck... not at his house.  He has told me to concentrate on my life because that is what he intends to do - focus on his own - so clearly, I have no business wondering or speculating where he may be tonight.  But I do... 

Recently, someone asked me if it weren't easier without him, less stressful, less frustrating.  Yes, sure, sometimes that is true.  Last night I had a dream he told me he loved me.  I don't even know what to think about that or how it makes me feel.  Some things are simply a mystery and I don't have the answers.

So, anticipating our first Christmas together as a threesome, I will start some new traditions.  Traditions my children and I can look forward to and count on when life at the holidays can be rather chaotic.  This first year will be a learning experience and will no doubt take some refining over time, but in one way or another, they'll take shape and substance. 

For one, I want to give meaning to Christmas by celebrating the day as Jesus's birthday and to do that, Red Velvet cake will be served.  The red cake is for His blood, spilled so I could live and the white frosting signifies being washed white as snow of my sins.  As Jesus received three gifts at his birth, my children will also receive three "categories" of gifts:  clothing, learning, and toys.  This idea is borrowed from my friend, Kim, and I think it is one that helps diminish the focus on how many presents are under the tree, as well as connect in another way with our Savior.

My sister and her family will be joining us here in Big Creek tomorrow afternoon.  We'll share laughter, food, gifts, and our time enjoying each other's company.  I'm looking forward to hosting our gathering; after all, not many folks are willing to make the trek up the mountain!  It will be different - a new Christmas - but I am hoping it will be good.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!