Not What I Expected

Many days have passed since I last penned any thoughts.  Since I only have 2 confessed followers and I, myself, have confessed this blog is for my own selfishly cathartic purposes, I guess I figure I'm really only disappointing three people.  Not that the other 2 aren't important (I value them both) but, well, I mean, really... it's not like there is some huge following hanging on my every word.

How many people have a good, solid idea what their future will look like?  Of those people, how many realize the future they've dreamt of, planned for, expected?  You know, a lot of people fantasize about what they want to be when the grow up.  Some just fantasize about growing up!  Then, there are those who never do (grow up, that is!).  

I don't ever recall having a specific goal in mind regarding my future.  I expected I would always work; it's what both my parents did.  I expected I would marry and have a family; again, it's what both my parents did.  Some opportunities are complete unknowns until that particular door opens for you.  Others, like marriage and family, have certain normal expectations and when they aren't fulfilled, life can really throw you a curve ball.

Maybe it's the holidays... they are supposed to be happy times, times of celebration, being with the ones you love, laughter, joy, etc.  But often, the holidays are difficult, emotional, and they generate memories of loved ones lost, treasured hopes dashed, and the reminder life simply isn't what you expected. 

Oh, please, don't misunderstand.  I am deeply thankful for all God has blessed me with -- a lovely home, an incredible place to live, two beautiful children, health, welfare, and an abundance of dear friends.  I have ample food on my table, reliable transportation, a sense of humor (some may debate that!), common sense, and countless valuable life skills that get me through day to day.  I have a Savior, my Forever Love, and am looking forward to spending eternity with Him. 

Not to diminish the greatness of all that and more, it's just... I didn't think I'd be facing another divorce.  I didn't want to be a single parent.  I didn't think I'd be anticipating holidays alone again, being the odd-man-out in gatherings, or shouldering major decisions for three.  I was tired 7 years ago, when I said "I do."  I both needed and wanted a partner.  You would think I would have taken better care... but I made my bed and now I'm lying in it.  Alone, by the way.  Now I am 7 years older and 7 times more tired, trying to keep my head above the constant flow of demands from two little ones every 11 days out of 14.  Talk about life not turning out how you expected...

Regret is an appalling waste of energy.  I am both encouraged and challenged by those words, to step out of my pit of regret, buck up and get on with it.  I've been told I'm a practical person.  It's true.  I can be rather blunt and seemingly uncaring, but it has become my defense for dealing with rejection, abandonment, disappointment, and failure.  I do feel, I do care, I do hurt, cry, and mourn like everyone else.  Regret, however, is not worth the time spent on it.  It gets you nowhere.  It serves no purpose, except the purpose of the enemy, who strives at every opportunity to distance a believer from the One they believe in, the One who gives hope to the hopeless.  And so, with that, despite being tired and worn out, I will recall my life verse and share my hope with you...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans for hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)  Amen.