HOPE

3:07 a.m. and I can't sleep.  And, I can't figure out why.  Sleep doesn't usually evade me like this; I feel nearly wide awake.  So, since my mind was running like a caged rat in its silly wheel, here I am.

Being separated, I removed my wedding rings a while back.  I didn't want to but, honestly, my husband has made it pretty clear he has no heart for reconciliation at this time.  I know I'm still married (legally), and at this time, I have absolutely no interest in another relationship, let alone another marriage.  That, in itself, is foreign to me; after my first marriage ended, I couldn't wait to be married again.  I liked being married, I wanted a family, and was anxious for both those life events to occur.  I was determined to be remarried with 2 years!  I was completely distraught when I learned the average was 5 years!  God, however, had a different timeline in mind; a span of 10+ years would pass before I remarried.  Guess He got the final say on that one!

Right now, marriage is about the furthest thing from my mind.  Yes, I am a woman with needs and at times catch myself pondering the possibility of meeting someone who will be "that man,"  someone who will truly be a best friend, be willing to talk with me, share ideas and responsibilities with me, someone who would be a spiritual leader, and remain committed to me - regardless. 

Yet the practical side of me recognizes several key elements:  1) I'm closer to 50 than any other decade; 2) I have two very young children still to raise; 3) I live in a small, remote mountain community with an even smaller population of Christian men; 4) I've already tallied two failed marriages, and 5) I'm the common denominator.  Any guy would have to be off his rocker to even consider me!

And therefore, I'm back to learning to be content with my Forever Love.  He IS all those things I long for - and so much more.  In the absence of wearing my wedding rings that tie me to a man who wishes to be untied instead of united, I bought for myself a narrow, silver band with a single word engraved in it:  HOPE.  No, it doesn't necessarily stand for any "hope" of someday being replaced with another ring.  It doesn't necessarily represent any "hope" of reconciliation with my husband.  I do know God is big enough to bring about either of those things, if it is in His plan for my life and His kingdom (and if those involved were to cooperate).  What this ring means to me is simply what it says, HOPE:  Hope for the day, hope for the future, hope for my children, for provision, warmth in the cold, winter days, hope of new life in the Spring, hope to continue growing in my knowledge of and relationship with my Love, that I will bring honor to Him, that I will serve Him and His community well in the days allotted for me in this place.

So, now, when my thumb seeks the presence of something on the fourth finger of my left hand, it finds HOPE.  And I'm content with that.