Knock, Knock

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Love.
Love who?
Love you!

What do you do when love comes knocking and you're not sure you are ready, willing or wanting to open the door?  What stops you?  Is it fear?  Fear of what? 

Interestingly, but not coincidentally, I attended a gathering of other Big Creek ladies this morning to take in another episode of "Wednesdays with Beth (Moore)" and her topic was on being set free from the bondage of fear.  She cited three areas of fear that can cripple our lives:  the past, saying 'yes,' and saying 'no.'  I have fears in all three areas, so it's easy to see how this love-come-calling situation has me upside-down.  I have two failed marriages in my past.  If I say 'yes,' I may fail (me, him, my children - or all three).  If I say 'no,' I may miss out on a great and wonderful thing.

When I first became acquainted with my gentleman friend, there were some red flags fluttering in my peripheral field of vision. I recognized them and tried to proceed cautiously.  As with many new relationships, however, it's natural to get caught up in the excitement, hope, and desire for things to, well, go well.  I was certainly right there.  So, what has happened?  What has changed?

What has happened is some things haven't changed; the red flags are still waving.  I have hoped they would stop, be still and even, perhaps, be taken down and retired.  But they have not.  There are circumstances - some unavoidable, some necessary - that have raised the flags in the first place; circumstances I have no control over.  I have begun to wonder if a serious, permanent relationship is something I can do - or want to do - at all, ever, with anyone.  Time, my location, and the demands of my young children are very real considerations for me; not mere excuses, I believe, but real life elements that can make any endeavor more challenging. 

After the separation, I sincerely and deeply believed I would spend the remainder of my days without a partner.  For the first time ever, perhaps, I accepted Jesus as the Lover of my soul, the Love of my life.  But then I met this gentle man and discovered it is tough to walk away when someone right in front of me loves and cares for me. 

Knock, knock.  This is no joke.