Peeve(d)

Other people making decisions for me has always been a pet peeve of mine.  
I didn’t invite you because I figured you were busy. 
I didn’t ask you to join us because I was afraid you didn’t have the money to go. 
I didn’t let you know about an opportunity because you were out of town. 

I wasn’t.
I did.
Ever heard of emailing a resume and phone interviews?

Okay, so here’s the scoop.  Something I learned about a week ago has attached itself to my brain and won’t let go.  It’s a done deal and I can’t do a darned thing about it but there are underlying issues that are poking at me relentlessly.  I have been engaged in some crazy mental conversation that is getting me nowhere except bummed.

It was a job opportunity.   A missed job opportunity.  A great job, at the school, up the road from home, near my kids.  Ideal.  I’ve wanted that job for the past five years!  I wouldn’t have gotten it; the person hired is the bomb.  Young, innovative, savvy, efficient.  She’ll be a great asset and I know it’s a good fit.  So why am I so consumed with the situation?

Two things, I think, are my bother.  One, I’m disappointed I’m not better qualified for such a job.  Being out of this sort of position for the past 7 years hasn’t benefited me here.   I was good at something - once - but not so much anymore.  My office skills are stale and antiquated.  I haven’t kept up.  I’ve been busy trying to keep up with my two charges instead.   Since, like most parents, I feel I miss the mark, I tend to question what I am good at doing.  I do know I am capable of more than cleaning toilets.  I am.

The second issue for me is that no one even bothered to let me know.  I may be WAY out of line here, I realize that.  I’m speculating, which is often dangerous.  But this evil little voice is pestering me that this is how it went:  Person A had a pretty good idea I would give my right arm for this job.  Person B told Person A not to let me know about it, because Person B already knew who they wanted in the position.  If I should ask, say I wasn't here anyway.  Person B gets what Person B wants.  Again. 

I feel like I was deliberately kept in the dark.  No one had the right to deny me this opportunity.  I had just as much right to apply as the next person.  If I should ever find out that Person A made a conscious decision to withhold this information, I’m going to be very hurt.