The Other Foot

It's interesting how God uses people and they aren't even aware of it.  On the flip side, as in the story of Job who suffered and endured the tempestuous trials brought about by the enemy, with God's permission, people can also be used by the enemy. 

Shamefully, I was.  Used by the enemy, that is.  Yes, I really believe that.  I believe I was a tool in the destruction of my marriage, gradually yet effectively tearing down what had been established in God's name.  I've posted previously about the demeaning and disrespectful ways I treated my husband.  In hindsight - o! how clear it is - I can see how my words, well-intending though I told myself they were, served no greater purpose than to not-so-subtly convey my disappointment and dissatisfaction, as well as point fingers at his inadequacy, inefficiency, incompetency - as I perceived him.  Certainly not how God viewed him.   Rarely, however, did I take the time to see him through God's eyes. 

You hear that people belittle others to make themselves feel bigger, more important or powerful.  Perhaps that is true; perhaps that is what I did.  In my own insecurities, I lashed out to feel greater than I actually believed I was.  Am. 

Moving ahead now to current day.  It would appear the shoe is on the other foot.  Where I was the instigator and aggravator, whether conciously or not provoking feelings of ineptness and inferiority, now I am experiencing those same doubts about myself my husband would, on rare occasion, confess I caused him to feel.

Oh, I can guess what you may be thinking...  no one can make you feel any certain way.  I used that same spiel earlier this evening with every bit of conviction.  But it doesn't stop one from initially blaming the "instigator" for your feelings of inadequacy.  I find myself thinking I do not measure up, that I am a disappointment, and that I am not doing enough - all things someone else thought about themself because of things I said. 

Where does that leave me?  For one, with greater understanding how words (mine) affect others (my husband).  It is motivating me to talk more honestly, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, to the other person about how their words are affecting me, having some humility to dig deeper than the surface for underlying implications or meaning.  For the truth is, clear, open, and honest communication was always, always lacking in my marriage.  Now that it appears I have the opportunity to develop good communication with someone I care for, I'll willingly slip my foot into that other shoe and learn to walk a new path - one that hopefully and God willing, leads to greater joy, peace, and harmony.