Practically Speaking

This morning, as I sat in the front room - an enclosed front porch surrounded by windows - my mind was a flurry of activity.  Like a little ball in a pinball machine, my thoughts jumped erratically from one thing to the next.  There was no continuity, no resolution, no decisions - just mindlessly muddled thoughts.  I was fortunate enough to have the peaceful quiet of Benjamin and Elizabeth sleeping later than normal (I thank the cooler temperatures for that) because now that they are up and about, I not only have cacophony in my head but they are contributing to the confusion in a non-stop flow of NOISE. 

For a while now, I've coasted in the present, not looking back at what was and is no more, or looking ahead to what might or might not be.  The past couple days, however, I have been plagued with both - regretfully reliving the unkindnesses I burdened my husband with that gave him cause to leave me and wondering if I truly can be content in these circumstances and not spend the rest of my days mourning my losses.  Was I really so unloveable?  It both pains and irks me when the kids make ongoing references to their dad; they love him and have every right to do so, but it is like salt in the wound to hear their repetitive stories about what they did with him, how they miss him, asking if they are going to his house, and on and on.  I know it is the enemy trying to make me feel more unloved and unwanted and as much as I do not want his influence on my thoughts, as my resistance weakens due to worn-down defenses, I find myself wallowing in my pit.

I know God has planned for me all the days of my life, and His plan is greater, healthier, better than anything I can come up with.  But, practically speaking - and anyone who knows me well knows I am very practical - I find that hard to live out.  You know, letting God rule.  I'm independent, stubborn, and determined - a challenging combination when I am called as a believer to be a submissive, obedient follower.  

Because I struggle knowing how to put the right behaviors into practice, this morning I have turned once again to practical projects. I pray my efforts in Ben and Elizabeth's lives are healthy and productive, but they are at ages and stages that test me constantly.  I've always been a pretty good test taker but they are putting me through the paces like never before.   I am feeling very weary and out of control regarding my children, my life and future and need the concrete evidence of accomplishing something.  So, I think my "to do" list today will include such mundane things as mowing the lawn, washing the dog, mopping the floors, picking apples, etc.  And then, after those petty tasks are done, I will hopefully have the good sense to relax and enjoy the life I have - including my two favorite people - Ben and Elizabeth.