Practicing Contentment

Do I have the right to be happy?  To be truly content in my circumstances?  No, really, I am completely serious.  After all, I am deemed responsible for the division of my family.  Okay, granted, one person that I am aware of considers it 'my fault' but still... how is it that I am supposed to come away from this scenario HAPPY?  Where is 'happy' supposed to fit into my life now? 

I've grappled with this.  I hurt someone.  I hurt him deeply enough he decided he'd rather live without me (and his children).  I guess the sacrificial "staying together for the sake of the children" is no longer the "in" thing to do.  But that's a post for another day.  Okay, so daily I get to live with the fact I behaved in such a way my husband threw in the towel, determined I was incapable of any permanent change, left me, and has filed for divorce.  Whether or not I'm wholly to blame (last I heard, it still takes two to tango, right?), I know I have to pick up my pieces and as my soon-to-be ex-husband so eloquently stated, "focus on my life as he will do the same."  Yes, well, that is easier said than done.

How do I move forward without appearing either like some blase b**** who doesn't give a damn her marriage and family appears irreparably damaged or like some pathetic martyr determined to live the rest of her days in self-prescribed humility and shame... and joylessness?  How do I healthfully embrace the future without disregarding the past?  How do I healthfully regard the past so that I can embrace the future? How do I live happily ever after, relatively speaking?

I cannot and should not pretend what took place didn't.  I cannot erase what I did; there is no Rewind button I can press.  I have caught myself trying to make light of the situation as if to say, "Hey, I'm handling this, I'm really okay" but even to my own ears, I sound flip and disrespectful.  It is not my intention and yet, I recall some Michael W. Smith lyrics that go something like "...the road to good intentions doesn't lead to anywhere."  I believe I must convey a certain honest humility in the most positive manner possible.  I may not have an opportunity to properly communicate that in each and every encounter, but when I can, I should.

Prior to the separation, I shamefully confess thoughts of "singledom" held some appeal to me.  I say 'shameful' because prior to marriage, I practically begged God to bring me a husband.  I SO wanted to be married!  So why, once married, did I think the grass had been greener on the single side of the fence?  Don't we often want what we don't have?  Well, I got what I thought I wanted.  Now all I can do is make the best of it.  Whether married or not, there would be days of sickness and health, riches and poverty, better or worse days, as well as sadness and joy.  Sound familiar?  I cannot expect all my days to be either/or; some days will be a mix and a blend of trials and triumphs.  Perhaps my goal should not be perpetual bliss (not a very realistic goal anyway!), but rather that contentment Paul refers to in Philippians 4:12 (NIV): 


I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I rather doubt Paul was literally jumping for joy each time he suffered persecution.  What truth Paul held close in his heart, however - the same comfort that can bring even this sinner contentment - is knowing my God has forgiven me, He loves me, and He does believe I am capable of change.  I may not be blissfully giddy, but I can be contentedly joy-filled and joyful. 

So, if you happen to see me smiling and laughing, it isn't because I am blithely indifferent to recent events.  It is because I am practicing joy, despite recent events.