At my last session with the counselor, I promised him and myself I would continue to work on my issues at hand. It has occurred to me lately that I have not. As it goes, life tends to get in the way and interrupt good intentions. I have realized I have once again been focusing on my husband - the fact he left, the fact he filed for divorce, the fact I don't his whereabouts, his comings and goings, his work, his life, or anything else. It is a struggle for me and I'm not sure why. Why can't I let go? Why can't I let go of the things I have no control over? Why do I need that control?
The past few days have been very reflective for me. I have been brought to my senses by two individuals: Daniel and Whitney. As our morning Bible study group has been g(r)o(w)ing through a Beth Moore study of Daniel, (my first read of the book) I am being challenged to examine my life; am I living a life of integrity? Is the private person the same as the public person? I confess: Not for me. I think people have a difficult time understanding why my husband left me. It is because very few people, if any, will ever see the side of me he lived with. Integrity? I think not. I could be a very different individual than the public me.
Oh, I guess that could be said for a lot of folk. Don't many of us "put on a face" in public? Sure - but to the extent I did? I felt like a Jekyll & Hyde at times; I was fearful of myself and what I could possibly do. There were moments I was completely aware of the spiritual battle within; and I felt helpless, truly helpless to rise above it. The enemy knew my weaknesses, preyed upon them and worked his evil schemes to destroy the marriage God had built. One of the questions in the study guide asked if you've ever been used by the enemy. I have and it is a most horrific knowing. It makes me feel weak and powerless - just where the enemy wants me.
The second person, Whitney, is a distant relative-by-marriage. This is my third attempt to put into words why or how is she touching me. I simply cannot adequately relate the effect she is having on me. Suffice it to say, she is battling so much more than I am and yet continues to praise God with every precious breath. I am a worm complaining about petty inconveniences when this fragile young lady is simply hoping for the day she can stop taking meds and live a "normal" life. And yet, shamefully, it is her pain and praise that inspires me to move beyond the situation I find myself in, because what I'm dealing with is nothing - NOTHING - in comparison to the challenges God is walking her through. So, Whitney, I pray you know in your heart and mind you are found faithful to those of us who know you even a little.
I have so much work yet to do. I feel like I've been on furlough; no work, no pay, no reward. It's time to resume progress, focus on the person I have the power to change (me), and thank God - really thank Him - I still have time to do it, to make things better than they were.
By the way, tomorrow I should be celebrating my 7 year wedding anniversary. Instead, I will celebrate all the Lord has granted and provided me. There is much; it will be a busy, blessed day.
So many of your blogs touch me. You and I though completely different in demeanor - are a LOT alike in many ways. Steve and I call what you speak about "pretend as if". His family is superior at this. But the truth is, no one REALLY knows what we are like in our four walls behind closed doors. Because I am louder - at least, more out-spoken in public - than Steve, people have (mistakenly) assumed that I am the "strong" one in our marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is the strong one. And not in a bad way, in a good way. The tower of strength way. I am not saying that we haven't had our battles and that I do not use my big mouth well when I have an opinion! I'm just saying that I get what you are saying about public perception. Steve just laughs about people saying that I am "strong".... because he knows the real me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have learned some lessons lately too - just like you, there have been some major trials in our life the past few years that have greatly tested our marriage. However, I too thank God every day that I have two healthy children, a good husband, a roof over our heads. I have NOTHING to complain to God about - not in comparison to so many others I know going through greater trials.
Accepting change is so hard. Changing ourselves is even harder. I just want you to know that you are not alone.