As the "natural man" in me surfaces - a sinner from birth - I naturally turn to sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I've been hurt, betrayed, rejected, and abandoned - probably much like any other individual. So, I'm not that different than you, or more special.
My sarcasm has, understandably, gotten me into some unpleasant circumstances. I don't mean to be mean but I have nurtured a habit of letting my hurt come out in hurtful words. I did it again to my estranged husband the other night... as he was doing me a favor. Yeah, not good on my part, to say the very least. He brought over some personal possessions of mine and after realizing something had not been included, I asked about it. He advised me he would be keeping it. Hmm. I thought I wanted it until I realized it really is not worth arguing over. I have absolutely no desire for it anymore.
As he has let fly his own angry feelings toward me these past few days, I can't help but wonder how he feels as the venom spills forth from his lips. This is NOT the man I married! I have confessed my wrongdoing - the disrespectful, hurtful and ugly words I have spoken to him. One thing I can say is my dispicable behavior felt dispicable. I was ashamed, ridden with guilt, appalled at hurting my own husband - yes, I knew I hurt him. I just did not realize how badly. I really didn't know.
In looking for truth, the ugly truth of who I am and why I have allowed the things I've done to be done, I have repeatedly read, heard, and been told - I have to take responsibility; I have to "own my own stuff." No one made me do anything; I chose my own responses. It is a disgusting thing to know about yourself and so there is a part of me that wonders if I am being given a dose of what I doled out. You know, "what goes around, comes around," "turnabout is fair play," "all is fair in love and war." But even if it is, darn it, I cannot help but think that as I have to be responsible for my words and actions, so does he. And to date, he has not been willing to do that.
And so, although I have been a fighter, a fighter who forced a hand I never intended to, the following comes to mind, and I will humbly bow out of the fight. I can never say "I'm sorry" enough.
Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also ; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Luke 6:29
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