A Strange Sort of Freedom

Being newly separated can play tricks on my mind.  There is an uncomfortable and uncertain grey area with no distinct boundaries.  Personally, I like boundaries; they help keep me in line.  That's not to stay I don't occasionally dip a toe or two onto the other side but generally speaking, I like to know where I stand and what is coming next.

Well, in this current state of separation, that simply is not possible - things seem pretty unstable.  Since mid-March when my husband left and as these short yet enduring 4+ months have passed, I have wondered to what degree my obligations, inquiries, and actions should involve him.  He IS still my husband at this time -- to what degree do I remain his wife?  Having children certainly complicates situations, as their dad and I will be required to remain in contact and cooperation for many years to come - whether we want to or not.  It's tough knowing (or at the very least suspecting) how he feels toward me.  It's difficult trying to love someone who doesn't love you back.

Take, for example, this weekend.  Ben and Elizabeth are with their dad and there are community events they will be attending - Vacation Bible School  (VBS) during the day and evening potluck and 2 birthday parties.  I've been a part of the former and invited to the latter.  Do I go?  How (un)comfortable will it be for either of us?  Potential...  Might it be confusing for the kids?  Possible...  Will our actions and words be on display for others to observe, form opinions, speculate?  Probable... 

I've always been overly concerned and sensitive to what others might think about me and that has developed great insecurities.  Many perceive me to be strong, independent and sure... if they only knew!  My insecurity has led me to build up defensive walls for protection; although I do indeed treasure some privacy and space, those walls have created the label "unapproachable" in the eyes of some.  Ouch.

I didn't understand this until recently.  So, now I am trying to learn to be 'vulnerable' to those around me.  Yikes!  Do you know the definition of vulnerable?!  dictionary.com defines it as "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon" and "open to moral attack, criticism, temptation."  Hmm, yeah, let's jump right into that!  I mean, come on!  Who welcomes being wounded, attacked or criticized?  Not me... but I also know growth can and mostly likely will be painful... and necessary.  I'm a big girl now; I need to act like one. 

So, here I am on this Friday morning with a strange sort of freedom.  It's just me... and my dog, Charley.  I can do whatever I want or do nothing at all.  Ambiguity.  Foreign.  At times, paralyzing... what do I do?  Where do I start?  Other times, respite.  Ahhhhh.  I'm going for "ah"!